How much longer

[Flowerpot26]

Hello, sorry if this is the wrong place as I wouldn't say my mum is elderly she's only 63, but has been dying for the 20 years basically and I just can't take it anymore, she was diagnosed with a life changing illness when I was in primary school, so it's all I've known, in now 34 and I just can't do it, the worry and stress is killing me, she went from being my mummy who was just abit wobbly, to then needing a wheelchair, to not being able to eat and has a peg tube, can't speak, but can make sounds I understand on a good day, to needing daily suction as she can't swollow and aspirates from own saliva, I basically grew up with carers and lived in hospitals, her mum died when she was young, we had her auntie to help when I was younger, I had a brother but he basically said nope in not doing this and left at 16, he's so selfish takes after my dad who has never given me any support and has never wanted to know is anything about her, but somtimes what else is there to talk about when I was her sole carer,
I've given up a career I was getting started in as I ment time overseas, I've never been able to invest in hobbies, I can only book last minute holiday if her health has been okay, when I met my husband I had to say we basically come as a pair, he's amazing and always helps out where he can, I've always fought so hard so her,I love her so much she's my mum! But I can't do it anymore, I've been told countless times she won't make it and I've sat by her bed and my heart has been breaking, she mainly chest infections and they can be brutal, then she recovers to a new normal, on Nye I finally let a Dr sign a dnar but she's now stable, on one hand in so glad but on the other I think in going to have to go through this again. I've spent my life thinking of her, there is no-one else to take the burden, or to help out, carers come and go, she's now in a local care home but I still have always gone everyday as I can't bare to think of her on her own uncomfortable,
I want to learn a language I want to travel I want to have date nights without worry or guilt, I want a mum to look after me!! In sorry this sounds like in so selfish,but I never even allowed myself to say these things, she is the most amazing person, so kind and patient never deserved any of this life is so unfair. Im sick of crying in the car xx

Bless you OP. You sound love you need and deserve an amazing holiday!

Is she still mentally coherent? Would she understand if you were just desperately exhausted and at the end of your tether and needed a rest?

Yes with in reason, when she's having a good day she cud understand, but she can't communicate now, I always think it can't get anyworse and then she hits a another low, I can't stand to listen to the grunting noise, and I can't just run away either as I just worry so much, by brother inherited allll the selfish genes I just can switch off , if I do every go away or don't visit for a day she gets worse, due to not being in the right position etc, and I just feel guilty

But with all due respect you need a break yourself. You need to re-charge, you need to have a rest from it so you can go back with renewed energy.
It sounds utterly heartbreaking for you and I admire your commitment immensely. But do have a small break - a weekend away with your dh?

Oh gosh, you poor thing. Don’t feel guilty writing it down, you have done amazingly well. Your poor mum sounds lovely as well. What I will say is, as a mum myself, I would want my daughter to have a life too. Obviously I would want to see her as much as possible and have her near. But I would also want her to have fun, and romance, and relaxation and a full filling career. I would hate to think I took that from her. Otherwise the illness is robbing both of you of a life. Have you had any counselling?

I really feel for you, you are an amazing daughter. I would say you don't just need 'a break', you need regular breaks scheduled into your life. Maybe 2 days a week when you don't visit? Or some kind of schedule that allows you to start doing things you've never been able to do, before your life passes you by.
I'm sure if your Mum could talk to you she would tell you to do that.

Thanks for your replies, I agree I don't need a break, I need a lifestyle change! But I can't I don't have it in me to switch off and just go off , even when there is an opportunity to do something in just so worn down with it all, in scared my life is passing me by as well, and my husbands! It also scares me that when my mum's time is over then his parents will need looking after as they r older, i
n sad that I've never had a mum to look after me!! Aaahhhah thanks for the moan will pull my big girl pants up and carry on xx