What do you do when your parents suddenly both become in need of more of your attention and time? I'm struggling a bit

[BatCakes]

I don't know if my parents class as being elderly as such - they're 69 and 73. Always been capable people, intelligent, quick witted, self sufficient - until now

They both have cancer - both life limiting I suppose but this hasn't particularly had a big impact over the years - we've had our ups and downs with it but long periods of things being stable.

Last month my dad went for his usual cancer check up and all was fine re results but consultant noticed he was breathless. Then has followed a fortnight of him having a stent fitted and then getting an infection which resulted in intensive care. He's been very unwell and was released from hospital on Xmas day afternoon of all times

This has coincided with my mum becoming ... confused. Memory issues. Unwell with a bladder infection as she also has a stent fitted. She's also anaemic but the sort of anaemia that's in the bones apparently and cannot be treated so she's extremely lethargic and can hardly have a shower without having to sleep afterwards and recover

So I've got the pair of them unwell and both at home. They're managing but what the bloody hell should I be doing to help? They are quite independent I suppose

I live 45 minutes away. I've done all the hospital visits and pick ups and drop offs. I go over as often as I can - few times a week. I do jobs round the house as and when. I've called my mums doctor on the sly as I'm worried about her memory so I've requested they do a memory test next time she's in surgery

What else can I do? I feel tired just thinking about what's to come. They categorically will not allow me to get help in - and they're a way off all that. I just feel guilty at my dad feeling very tired after his hospital stay and my mum feeling very tired due to her issues. I have my own family - quite young still I suppose, my youngest is 12 but I work from home and can do more. But what?

Maybe I just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading

it sounds like you are doing everything you can

when my parents were 70 they had health issues - perhaps the sort of thing yours have now. so quite major, needing to go to hospital etc, but then getting home and recovering well. does that sound about right?

my dad died recently at 80, my mum is 80 and still doesn't need help. so it can and does happen that you have parents who are ill, you panic about what's next and well...here we are ten years later! Dad was ill for some time before he died, but he went straight from being at home with no help, to being in hospital/hospice.

I know how worrying it is but I think it's also important to respect their independence. I don't have any experience of the memory loss factor though.

I do understand you feeling tired at the thought of what happens next - but just to say that what happens next might be okay? Presume you know about the main caring thread in case you'd like to join us on there.

but again - I think you are doing loads! My parents being tired at 70 alarmed me too initially...it took me a while to just work out what would happen. Also after various health issues they did have the odd phase of being much perkier.

PS have they decided on treatment for your mother's anemia - presume you mean aplastic anemia?

Thanks for responding Grace to what I know was quite possibly the most boring thread ever. I'm sorry to hear about your dad

And yes - that sounds about the long and short of it. My dad was diagnosed almost a decade ago with advanced kidney cancer and my mum 8 years ago with ovarian. Ups and downs as you will well know with long periods of stability. Both not curable but both still here and able to drive/ go on shortish UK breaks etc when they're both feeling ok

I don't know about the anaemia. I accompanied my mum to some consultant appointment a year ago as my dad was unwell and couldn't make it. She has SO much wrong with her - small cancer which had returned, diabetes, a kidney stent, gall stones, on and on it went. Anyway, I asked if the cancer was curable and was told no but it was treatable. Consultant then said about this anaemia. I piped up with ' can she have iron tablets?' and was told ' no they wouldn't work'

I pressed more on this and the dr said something about the anaemia being too deep or something - apparently common after chemotherapy which she'd had

Anyway it got worse. She had heart palpitations and couldn't walk up the stairs. Turns out she needed a transfusion so she had a few pints about 8 months ago. A few pints of what exactly I don't know. Blood? Plasma stuff? Not sure. Didn't do much

And now we are at a stage where she is always exhausted. Literally can't do anything much at all. Sleeps until 10.30am (although to be fair, she is up half the night)

So what do I do about this?

And her memory issues. She's always been sharp, quick witted, intelligent. And now she's often a bit confused, doesn't concentrate on what you're telling her half the time or goes off at a tangent. Small things make her anxious - like her John Lewis order not arriving on time - she can't grasp sometimes things get delayed . She still drives, she's perfectly conpos mentis over WhatsApp most of the time, but terrible on the phone. Not helped by the fact she has an infected ear issue and is also deaf in one ear. But it's so frustrating to tell her something and she doesn't concentrate

She was on morphine for five years - she has neuropathy caused by chemotherapy and is registered disabled and walks with a stick outside. So I tell myself that all the heavy painkillers won't help. And the kidney stent causes frequent urine infections like right now - I'll be falling to make her an appointment on Monday for that. She won't like me doing that though

God what a ramble!

not boring at all, don't worry
I wish I'd found this board ages ago, so helpful

right, my experience with dad and aplastic anemia was similar, but he did feel better after blood transfusions and also had high doses of steroids. we were also told iron wouldn't make a difference.

he finally died from heart issues - which date back to his 40s so getting to 80 was amazing - and he was told many times that he would die between being about, ooh, 60 and 80. So I hope it has some reassurance to say that he ended up retiring early, then going back to work because he recovered so well and was hugely bored - and even 3 weeks before his hospitalisation this year, he was out with friends for lunch and stuff.

so the mad yo yo of quality of life can do surprising things.

it doesn't help our stress levels of course....there's a main thread "caring for elderly parents" - warning - it can get very dark and most of us there have much older parents, but it might be useful and you are always welcome

you might prefer to just keep this thread going of course. I'll keep it on watch in case I can say anything helpful or give it a bump etc.

reading your post again, I actually think you are doing too much - sounds like there are jobs round the house that they could get help with? I know the worry is that they won't get help but perhaps if you leave them to it...or just really explain how worried you are.

my dad also had severe osteoporosis, the type where you can get spontaneous fractures for no reason, and certainly he shouldn't have lifted anything heavy. About 5 years ago, I finally persuaded them to get a cleaner after I arrived there and found dad hoovering the stairs, with this insanely heavy hoover - the type I didn't even think they sold any more.

I let myself in, he sort of waved hello with one hand while shifting this ruddy great hoover down one step - and I nearly had a heart attack myself!! I said "that's it - I'm not even having so much as a cup of tea until you two talk about getting help in." I think the look of horror on my face was probably handy too

PS my ramble has SO beaten your ramble!! lol.

Hi Batcakes. Not wanting to drag you further down, but I lost my DM last month to pancreatic cancer diagnosed only three weeks before she died. She had been having dreadful exhaustion too, sleeping almost all day. Anaemia too. And the confusion - struggling to find words, unable to complete a sentence, dithering and anxious. Totally out of character. The cancer was causing high calcium and she sharpened up mentally so much once that was treated (some kind of drip) she was able to enjoy conversations and do some planning in the little time she had left. I think having clarity about what was making her feel so shattered possibly also helped.

Our experience was that the hospice at home team were much more open and constructive and just generally more helpful in getting us very gently to an understanding of what was coming than anyone n the medical or oncology teams at the hospital. Don't know whether your DM's prognosis is such that you could get a hospice referral, but they were unbelievably helpful for us.

Sorry to hear about your mum - how sad for you x

Ah maybe I've not been very clear. She's perfectly 'fine' on the whole. She was shopping at Waitrose last week for example! Away on a city break the week before. She's a world away from a hospice - isn't dying. She's just very unwell, very tired, and everything she does is an effort. It's been that way for years now - made worse after her last lot of chemotherapy last year - the lethargy that is

My dad is out of hospital and she's currently waiting on him hand and foot - which is wearing her out completely.

mum's heart problems have made her last ten years very similar
e.g. go away for a weekend - lie down for a week to recover

thinking back, I had to make it clear I couldn't visit every week - I'm 90mins - 2 hours away depending on how good transport is that day - as well as urging them to get help.

two people in poor health can't really prop each other up. It took my parents a while to accept that. I think you need to think about what you're prepared to do and what you aren't.

It's funny, I came to this board feeling overwhelmed and then found that others have parents who expect help with cleaning etc so admittedly I've not had to put my foot down in that way. But I did have to tell them when I thought they were damaging each other's health by not having a cleaner.

one angle you could use is to say that you want to enjoy your time with them and you shouldn't have to spend it doing tasks.

Have you got space and would they come and stay with you for a couple of weeks to recouperate? It is often easier than the tooing and growing. Then persuading her that a couple of hours a week help with housework/ changing sheets/ ironing etc might be acceptable. Need to make sure go is regularly checking bloods for whether transfusion required. Some people get fortnightly or weekly blood top ups but depends on diagnosis. Good luck

GP not go!

Grace - thanks for those points. I 'think' I'm happy to do whatever they want me to do to be honest. Not in a martyred way (well maybe inwardly!) but because I genuinely feel I should - and want to - step up and do whatever I can. They do such a lot for me (not practically I hasten to add - and have done so much for me. They bought my house as one example (they're wealthy, I didn't ask!) and they're extremely generous and so I feel indebted to them - not obliged but indebted

Vdb - I'll make the offer of them coming here actually. They won't as they like to be in a familiar space with their familiar things but we could accommodate them for sure. Anyway - the offer will certainly be out on the table

My dad is feeling sorry for himself. One of his tumours was pressing on his trachea hence the stent being fitted. And then he caught a terrible infection in hospital requiring a short stint in intensive care. Antibiotics did the job and he's recovered from the chest infection but the tiredness is something else for him. So I had an enjoyable half an hour on the phone with him today as he went on and on about my mum not being able to get him his usual croissant at half past bloody 7! She can't do it that early - she is ill too! He does understand this and he's not expecting her to be a slave but doesn't stop him having a whinge about having to drag himself out of bed and prepare a croissant and a yogurt

I've suggested food by the bed for the morning / even suggesting a freeze block to keep a yogurt cold but no no - joe would he have a warm croissant?!!!

And this is what I deal with

Oh and I do their housework more or less each week. 5 bed house though so I often can only skim what's needed. I'll be over tomorrow and Monday to chip away at what I can

Well I think a cleaner would be a big help fit them and it sounds as if they could afford it? Do you think they would have a live in housekeeper?

Just a brief note to say that a UTI can make an elderly person very confused, or dramatically worsen their memory and concentration span, it won't be helping your Mum right now. Keep an eye out for these. I was a PA to a rather frail company director in his mid seventies and very quickly learned to recognise the signs of a UTI from his personality changes.

No other advice for you as thankfully not been in that situatin yet, but for you, OP

Sounds like you have got so much on. I would echo other posters and say get a cleaner in- maybe deep clean for new year😉😉and then get them to accept ongoing one. Really worth tackling that battle now and as other say focus on what only you you can do.
You have to protect your own resources- what if you get ill? Sorry to be blunt but years of reading these boards sees the same patterns as daughters get worn down to breaking point with the care of elderlies.🌺

@WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo good point re urine infections not helping matters. She isn't frail so that's something but this kidney stent causes regular discomfort and pain. They should just take the damn thing out

I'm going to suggest a cleaner as a one off deep clean. They won't have it! You know when you just know? I'll give it a go though. I can do it myself - I'm not particularly past it. Yet! They also wouldn't have anyone live in - and they don't actually need this really to be honest. What I think they need is the house being given a decent going over a few times a week.

I suppose they're more 'unwell parents' as opposed to 'elderly' - and my mum would clout me for ever describing her as elderly! It just makes me sad as she is still so glamorous and 'trendy' - even her walking stick is gold toned and studded in crystals so it's been hard seeing her not quite with it and a bit anxious over every day things

@thesandwich yes good point. They also hate to put on me at all but I work hard mentally on not seeing them as some sort of burden. I've been so lucky to get to my age (47) and A they're both still here and B I've not had to do 'too' much. Quite a lot of 'mental' stuff as opposed to physical until now I guess. There's always a problem with an iPad or iPhone that I need to look at

OP sorry, but if you are cleaning a 5 bed house, they don't "hate" to put upon you.

Also a bit concerned that you said you work hard mentally on not seeing them as a burden. I have felt frustrated with mine sometimes and had to work on their expectations in terms of them wanting to see me once a week, but I think it's important to be realistic about when they actually are being a burden.

If you get on well and you love them etc, I totally see that you will do things for them. But you sound like you're doing too much. I'm considering moving in with my mum but I am looking at the pros to me as well as the pros for her - in fact, the pros for me are the reasons why I started thinking about it in the first place.

You need to think of yourself more. I've been on the receiving end of that advice on the main thread, so I know it's weird to hear it

Are they charitable?

Sell the cleaner idea to them as 'giving someone a job'.

They'd be being kind to someone. Perhaps you could think of someone you know who needs a small job.