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Elderly parents
Original poster

Christmas when your parent doesn't know who you are anymore

19 replies

CMOTDibbler · 24/12/2018 20:39

Mum has no idea who anyone is now. She won't eat anywhere but the pub they go to everyday, and even then only the egg, hash browns and corn on the cob child size meal on a plastic plate (bless them, the pub are still going to do this for her on christmas day).
I've bought her a purring kitten toy.

My wonderful, intelligent, mum who was so excited 12 years ago to spend christmas with her first grandchild. She loved buying really thoughtful presents, and we always exchanged books as she loved to read more than anything.

And my formerly strong, fix anything, wheeler dealer of a father knows who I am, but can barely walk 5 metres, and its testament to the skills of the nursing team that his legs are still attached though oozing. He's really not interested in me or his grandson, and if I miss a call he starts getting paranoid about it and accusing me of all sorts. Inc that DH and I had split up as it was only DHs voice on the answerphone...

We'll see them for a couple of hours on boxing day as they can't cope for much longer, and I'll have a cry in the evening thinking of the past. But I have to keep it together for ds as he finds it distressing too.

Anyone else in this sort of situation?

OP posts:
lavalampoon · 24/12/2018 20:42

I'm so sorry OP. I can relate insofar as this is how my stepdad is now. We're going to see him in the care home he lives in tomorrow. I think he will notice the decorations but won't understand that it's Christmas even though they are having a Christmas dinner for the residents. All I can say is stay strong and if it's getting to you just remember it's only another day. Thinking of you and wishing you the best x

Tortycat · 24/12/2018 20:49

Flowers op, it's tough. Df died of dementia after years spent crumbling in a nursinghome. Dm now also has dementia. She's still well enough to chat and know who we all are, but cant help but wonder how long for. It must be hard having to manage/ look after dc as well (my dc are too young still to understand). Hope it goes ok tmrw

JaceLancs · 24/12/2018 20:50

Dad had a stroke in October n is in nursing home his cognitive ability is limited although he does know who we are - very little speech either and can’t eat or move much
Mum has dementia and is still in own home but missing him dreadfully
She has already rung me 4 times tonight in a stress first 2 calls were because she realised she hadn’t bought me or my DC any presents
3rd because she hadn’t bought Dad anything
Final call was hysterical crying because for the first time in 60 years she hadn’t got him a Xmas card
I can’t go round and console her as have had a couple of glasses of wine
I’ve sorted DC presents
I’ve sorted presents for Dad from her they are already wrapped and at nursing home ready for tomorrow
I helped him write card for her
I will find a card for her to write to him in morning and sort it
Just waiting for next call as she will forget what I’ve explsined patiently each time
Last Xmas was very different
Next Xmas who knows so am trying to make best of it

brizzledrizzle · 24/12/2018 20:55

Flowers for all of you. Your relatives might not remember who you are but they will know that you care. As my grandmother used to tell me, I know I know you but I don't know who you are but you make me smile. Even if they don't tell you, they will be glad to see you in their own way even if they don't show it.

Pieceofpurplesky · 24/12/2018 20:59

ThanksOP I am so sorry.

My mum appears to be on the path to forgetting everyone and everything. Not really bad at the moment but having been through it with my aunt I can see the signs. I have gone all out this Christmas to make it amazing for her and everyone around her as maybe next year she will not be the same.

OhioOhioOhio · 24/12/2018 21:00

That sounds so awful. Be strong.

foxyknoxy30 · 24/12/2018 21:14

Kind of similar but not ,one parent in a home with parkinsons the other still living at home but unable to care for herself and is miserable, making me feel so guilty and hellish even though I can't possibly do any more before I neglect my kids .you try to explain but she is locked in her own misery meanwhile I am constantly locked in a battle of worry, feeling hellish and dealing with so many things 😣honestly op although my parents are physical and not dementia related I understand exactly how you feel about mourning for Christmas past ,and the soul destroying battle of just coping

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 24/12/2018 21:38

I feel for you all. Whichever way things are it is awful.

Mum has zero interest in people, so tbh it isn't like she gets anything out of us going. We basically get in the way of her routine. Her form of dementia took out her speech/language and visual recognition centres early on, so looking at photos doesn't work for her

OP posts:
BigcatLittlecat · 24/12/2018 21:47

I hear you OP. Drove all day to spend Christmas with PIL. It's so hard, FIL has no idea who we are or why we are here, although he's very amenable. MIL looks exhausted. Have had a stressful evening. Everyone is now in bed My family are hundreds of miles away and I'm missing them dreadfully. But we've done the right thing by coming I know but it's so sad to see him like this.

thesandwich · 24/12/2018 22:05

🌺🌺to you all. It is two years since fil died, mil a few years before after 10 years following strokes, dementia and everythingin between.
And over 10 years caring for dm.but easier now than for many of you.
It was my dd I felt for... so hard.
Nothing makes it easier.🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷

Glaciferous · 24/12/2018 22:11

Love to all of you dealing with this. It is in my future. My mum has dementia and the other day when I was there, my brother came in and said 'hello Mum' and she said 'am I your Mum?!'

She can barely get a sentence out most of the time. She can't do anything apart from watch TV and draw. My dad is fully compos mentis but frail.

On FB memories a couple of videos came up of six years ago when she was still able to actually be a human being and it was pretty sobering to see how fast she has deteriorated.

I've bought her a children's book with beautiful pictures of flowers and some paints and a new rucksack so she can carry around all the mad stuff she likes to carry around.

AnnieHawk · 25/12/2018 10:45

MrH and I care for both our mums. I live in the house we own, visiting my mum two full days a week and at other times as required. MrH lives full-time with his mum in the next town and has done since my FiL died eighteen months ago. I visit at weekends to cover while he's away with work and I live in with her while he's abroad during the summer, which obviously cuts down on the care my mum gets.

My FiL infantilised my MiL. She was incapable of doing even the routine tasks of life unaided even before she developed vascular dementia. She has always been a difficult, narcissistic personality who has caused both her children to have emotional problems. Without the filter of "keeping up appearances" she has morphed into an occasionally violent, angry, demanding woman who makes our lives hell. She has refused respite care and because we don't have a POA we can't make her go.

So I'm here on Christmas Day, away from my family and friends, trying to live up to the impossible standards of someone for whom a Christmas at Sandringham is a benchmark and I feel like crying. I didn't sign on for this. And I feel as though I can't walk away because to do so maroons my husband, who didn't sign on for this either.

BigcatLittlecat · 25/12/2018 17:43

So today FIL doesn't recognise anyone and he keeps asking who is he? I also had to cut his dinner up and feed him forkful by forkful. That was a pretty sobering experience.
Thinking of others today.

brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2018 12:42

We just got back from the care home where we were greeted with blank stares as we were strangers and then 'Have you come to take me home?' Sad

Sorry for everybody else having a difficult time. Bigcat that's kind of you to do that for your FIL.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 26/12/2018 17:25

We did our duty visit today. It just gets harder and harder. Mum wouldn't sit with us in the pub as it wasn't the usual table, and just sat there looking out of the window. At the end, she told me it had been nice to meet me.

DDad had been buying all sorts of tat at a local auction again and was encouraging ds to choose stuff. I was so proud of him as he accepted gifts like a rusty stool with bits falling off with enthusiasm and then only said when we were in the car that we could take it to the tip tomorrow. Poor ds has one set of grandparents who are too decrepit to be grandparents, and the other set who just can't be bothered with him

OP posts:
thesandwich · 26/12/2018 17:54

Oh cmot that’s so tough. What a lovely lad you have raised.🌺🌺

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 26/12/2018 18:04

He drives me nuts at times, but he was brilliant today.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 27/12/2018 11:13

Cmot he sounds like a lovely, considerate young man.

foxyknoxy30 · 27/12/2018 11:21

Sometimes it breaks your heart 😓he sounds like a lovely young lad ,same as mine can drive you nuts but they know when they need to step up .Same as me one set extremely poorly, the other grandparent doesn't give a flying fuck !!!!

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