Stopping sister from contacting care home

[Lepetitpiggy]

Long long story. Sister cut contact, in a very unkind and distressing way with our mother 7 years ago. I then fell out with her about 3 years ago as I couldn't stand the vitriol with which she spoke of our mother and the general stress she caused me. A few weeks ago, mum had a major stroke and we were told she only had a few days. Sister visited, stayed for 20 minutes and fucked off. Now mum, amazingly having survived, is in a nursing home, very very ill, very confused and dying to be frank and I have done absolutely everything - as I had over the past few years. Sister has not lifted a finger to help - or been in touch with me. I am exhausted and stressed but expected this she did nothing the last few times mum was ill. Now I find out she has been calling the home every day for an update, despite me putting on the notes that I don't want her knowing what's going on. a) am I wrong to not want this token behaviour, and b) do I have the right to tell the home not to tell her anything. I have to admit I am so so angry.

By done everything, I mean daily visits, sorted out finances, cleared her flat and spoken to everyone that needs to be spoken to.

Morally you're not wrong.
Legally though - unless there's something in writing from your mother either giving you power to make decisions or saying that she doesn't want your sister involved, there's nothing the care home can do.
Legally your sister has as much right to get information as you, baring written documents or your mum having capacity to express her wishes that she doesn't want your sis involved.
Note the distinction between legal and moral here. I'd be P'd off if I were you, but not with the care home. They don't have a choice.

While I understand why you are pissed off, she is still entitled to ask after or see your mum. I suppose I would be thinking about what your mum would want. Would she have wanted to reconcile with your sister if she was able to communicate?

I guess I knew that - but it has really upset me. How dare she? I cant really understand what she is going to do with the information though. She certainly wont be welcome at mums funeral - although I will of course let her know via others when and where it is. The entire extended family is disgusted with her. Thank you .

It's not really reconciliation though is it. Just calls mum will know nothing about. Also I think mum had been so hurt and upset that she didn't want to see her anymore after about 6 years.

You are understandably angry but you cannot stop your sister calling the home or going to the funeral. If you can try not to let the anger destroy you, you are a wonderful daughter, just keep on looking after your mum.

It isn't possible for you to stop the home from telling her about your mother. If your mother hasn't written a statement blocking your sister, nothing can be done. Don't blame the care staff - they have enough to worry about without getting involved in family disputes.

I can understand that you are upset, but your mother isn't being harmed by these phone calls . As long as she is comfortable and not being upset, leave it alone.

No, you don't have the right to do that. Think about it, though, you and your mum fell out with your sister big time but her telephoning the home is not actually doing any harm.

Try not to think about it . I'm glad your mum has you.

I wasn't angry with the staff, just very upset. I'm furious with her though. I know its not their fault. I'm just physically and mentally shattered and I cant bear the thought of her swanning about, knowing what I am doing and not wanting to even lift a bit of that burden, but be able to bravely tell her chums how her poor dear mother is. Oh I'm rambling now! Sorry!

Thanks for being nice everyone. I cant quite get to grips with her behaviour and the thought of her calling (for what reason? She's never cared in the past 7 years when mums been very ill) has really got to me.

I would try to remove myself from the situation for my own sanity. You can't stop her from calling the home but you don't have to let her ruin your own mental health especially when you are dealing with the awful situation around your Mum. You have done your very best for your Mum and she knows that. That's the really important bit. Try to find a way to let it go, don't contact your sister and don't ask the home if she's calling. Just cut her right out of your head if you can and concentrate on you and your mum right now. Being so pissed off and letting her take up space in your head when you have other things to do won't help you. This is a time you want to be there for your mum not focusing on your sister. Easier said than done I know (from someone whos mum and dad died young, with a sister who wasn't around). Sending you hugs

Unless your mother made her wishes known in writing before she got sick, if she unable to give legal consent now then there's little you can do - you could go to the court of protection but they would need proper evidence that your mother terminated your sisters rights.

Thank you. I will try very hard to not let her enter my head. and I'm sorry you went through it too

She probably only has few weeks to be honest, so I need to focus on her. She's comfortable, not in pain and seems happy, so I will just remember that

Your mum absolutely knows.

Thank you