How often do you visit the care home?

[LorraineBainesMcFly]

I am curious to see where I sit in the continuum of care home visitors.

For background-my DM has been in care for a couple of years with Alzheimers. She became a permanent resident shortly before I gave birth to my DD.
For the first 5 months of DD's life I visited DM weekly and DD mostly just slept. DM was interested in DD but too rough (and aggressive) for any cuddles or anything like that. My DM also visited my house once a week with my DF and I usually also saw her on the weekend with my DH at DF's house.
It was frankly too much visiting for me, other residents often wanted to poke at DD, we had several fingers put in her mouth and I was struggling with BF-ing her in my DMs room when other residents would often barge in. My DM was also constantly annoyed at me as I would not let her hold DD. She became aggressive with me several times in my house if she heard DD crying.

We visited my IL's (overseas) for a couple of months and when I returned I made an effort to regain control over the visits. Plus DD was now 8 months old and not content to just sleep during visits. I still saw DM at least twice a week but at my house or DF's house. I was not comfortable taking DD to the care home when she was crawling and licking everything.

Now DD is 18 months and since she was about 10 months old I have seen DM once a week- back at the care home now as DD can walk around. My visit is about an hour or so long.

I honestly don't think I can manage another day or more time with an 18 month old. I can only visit in the afternoon (as it takes the whole morning for the care home staff to get DM washed and ready). My DM has no concept of who I am, no idea who my DD is and honestly most of the time barely acknowledges that we are there. Her dementia is fairly advanced now too so there is no chance to engage them both in something like drawing or TV or photos- DM is uninterested. She's still 'grabby' and rough towards DD. I leave the visits exhausted.

Sorry for the long post but I am interested to hear whether I am doing more/ less/ the same as others. My DF and DB's opinion is that I certainly should be doing more as I am "just at home all day". I think their out of their minds but wonder if perhaps a part of me is just relieved not to see DM more and watch her decline more closely.

Thanks for reading this far.

First of all, it doesn't really matter what other people can or can't manage, so do what feels right for you and don't worry about other people.
Secondly, wouldn't it be easier for you to set aside one evening a week, or a couple of hours at the weekend when your dh (?) / partner can look after your dd, and you visit can be less stressful for you and more focused on your dm ?
Thirdly, how often do your DF and DB go ? Presumably, as there are 3 of you, you share the visiting as much as you can, with other friends and relations going less often, but still doing their bit ?

I agree - you need to do what's right for you, and not feel pressured by other family members.. IME these visits are hard enough and I haven't got the added stress of a toddler or a challenging parent.
And if you are "just relieved not to see DM more and watch her decline more closely" .... well that doesn't make you a monster, especially if she is at the stage when she doesn't know who you are.

So sorry - its so hard.
To answer your question - I go once a week for an hour or so (it takes 3 hours including travel time) , my sister does the same and DF gets less regular visits from my other sister who lives further away, and from local friends. It doesn't sound much .. .