CONSTANT Interrupting *At breaking point*

[Mummylife2018]

I know the title of this thread sounds pathetic and I'm likely to be called pathetic, OTT and that good old MN fave ""

But seriously. I am at breaking point....

My Mum is 73. My Dad passed away on 2010 so she's on her own. She's always been very on the ball, hell of a lot fitter than most women over 25 and walks for miles with the dog. Incredibly intelligent etc etc (I think this is relevant) yet this annoying habit of hers has steadily got a hell of a lot worse over the past year/18 months.

It's now at the point where I cannot get three of four words into ANY sentence without being interrupted; and not just with a few words, she will then take over. Leading to a total misunderstanding of what I'm saying.
If I need to tell her anything important, I now have to plan my sentences to get the important words out within the first few words. If it's a sentence with two important things to say (for example "No, they're NOT going to pay out the full value of the claim BUT they will....") then frankly, I'm screwed. I generally text her things like this.

I realise this doesn't sound like 'breaking point' material but whenever there is any argument/debate where I need to politely correct her, I find myself having to shout so loudly it's practically a scream, just get out what I'm trying to say. Otherwise she totally misunderstands. If I calmly say it without raising my voice, she just interrupts again, and so the cycle continues.

Just got off the phone with her now after what should've been a simple conversation and I'm nearly in tears. Tears of frustration at not being able to communicate with my own Mum!

Of course I've told her how frustrating it is. She knows full well she does it, plus I must say "Please let me finish" or similar about 20 times per call/conversation.

Even though she knows she does it, could it be the beginnings of Alzheimer's? Her personality has changed slightly over the past year, I must admit......

Sorry for the long, boring OP. It really, genuinely is stressing me out. She's the only family member I have besides my child and my useless drunk brother. I really don't know how to handle this...

Thanks

Please no nasty comments, I just want some advice x

Can you take a step back? I have a similar older relative and I only speak to her about once every 2 months and visit once per year. You can't have a conversation with her so I don't really try! She is also early 70s, very fit and well, no signs of dementia or anything.

She may be lonely and so desperate to talk to someone she can't stop herself. I suggest encouraging her to join groups/activities etc so she has more contact with other people.

I have no advice sadly but I feel your pain, I am in such a similar situation

I can't step back, she is my only support. I have MS and am a lone parent to a 3 yr old. She has her 3 times a week to help me.

Also she is definitely not desperate to talk to someone or lonely! Quite the opposite in fact. She's always whinging about having too many invites out with her friends and her phone never stops ringing. She forgets I can't socialise so I'd kill for her social life!

@shutlingsloe Feel free to pm me if you'd like a chat x

Is she hearing everything? My gran is much older but tends to steam roller conversation because she can’t hear what’s being said.
In the past she tried to hide it but didn’t want to get caught out being asked a question she hadn’t heard.

I can't offer any advice OP, only sympathise because my own DM can be just as annoying. She talks on and on about the most inane stuff - what the neighbours are up to etc - and never seems interested in what I have to say. If I try to contribute to the conversation she is poised, waiting for me to take a breath, so that she can dive straight back in and take over again. Sometimes when I call her I'm literally just 'yes', 'mmm', 'no' the whole conversation. Once she's finished what she has to say she's keen to get off the phone, so I'm left feeling as though I have nothing useful to contribute. I think in my DMs case she's just lonely and has saved up a day or two of chat and can't wait to get it out. If I was to call her out on it I know she'd just get offended and sulk for days on end.

My grandad is a bit like this. It's selfish and rude, but he is not going to change. I just accept I am going to be talked at and mentally play bingo in my head. Anything important gets communicated by email or text.

More practically, I recommend building your support network as your child grows up - having that extra neighbour or friend to pick up from school in an emergency can really help. Likewise a babysitter you can trust if you have a hospital appointment in holidays. Your mum is fit now, but there may come a point when she herself is ill.

@TheABC Yes I know I've been aware of this all along but my friends have long since abandoned me. I don't get out to meet new ones and with my daughter's autism, she won't go to anyone but my mum or nursery teachers. Neighbours are all one word answers and look down on me as the only renter! I've been trying for 3 years to build a support network but to no avail!

I have school mums I speak to outside of school but none who are in a position to help even if she would go to them.

Being a disabled single mother with a child with SEN and having next to no family is a truly niche situation to be in! At my low points I have even briefly been convinced that DD would be better off with an adopted family but that's a whole other thread!

Thanks for your replies everyone x

sorry this is happening

I too wondered if she is experiencing any hearing problems

of course, Alzheimer's etc is a possibility

have you seen how she interacts with others, does she do the same to them?

x post with you OP

just to add, nothing you say sounds pathetic.

Just to pre-empt an inevitable question: Her father ran off with a nurse when she was 1 (almost 3 yrs ago now) and hasn't been back since! I couldn't even begin to know how to get in touch with him if I tried! His family only contact me once every 3 months or so and again, I don't have their contact numbers, they just have mine.

Strange family they are 👽🛸🤪

@Grace212 Yes she does! Everyone.

I think her hearing is fine. Maybe very marginal age-related loss. I'm half death but I manage not to do it! ☺️

Thankyou I get scared of posting on here, there's some right bullies!

Er half-deaf! Ha! What a typo...!

I also wondered about your DM’s hearing - my Nan doesn’t interrupt as such but fills in the gaps with what she thinks you’ve said when she doesn’t hear and it causes all manner of mischief.

The other thing I wondered was if it’s related to your MS - is she unconsciously (or consciously) compensating for her perception of your disability? Eg giving you a conversational “helping hand” (which of course you don’t need or want)

Have you been in touch with the MS Society? They have been a tremendous support to my aunt and might be a source of meeting new people, broadening your support network etc

It does sound as if it might be neurological . But then, it might be a product of either living on one's own, ( ie starved of conversation) or anxiety.

And I don't have a suggestion other than developing strategies.... depending on the nature of the person. Touching the arm ( or somesuch) might enable a "break " in the flow to be engineered. "You seem "wound up" , Mum....."

My sympathies. Not much help, but, my sympathies.

My mum is 69 and she's been doing this for years. It's utterly infuriating. Every conversation I have she interrupts after every few words and adds her tuppence worth or asks questions that I would have answered if she'd just hung on for me to finish speaking. I find conversation very hard work at times, particularly when I'm trying to tell her something important. She also always gets the wrong end of the stick. My mum hasn't got dementia or Alzheimer's, and she isn't lonely. She's just become a bad listener. I'm not sure what the answer is because you seem to already be doing what I end up doing which is snapping at her to listen or shouting over the top of her I've recently noticed one of my sisters (mid 30s) is also developing this irritating way of conversing.

I have this with my mother too. I’m strangely relieved to read this thread as I thought it was just me. My mum is nearly 70 and been doing this to me for a decade. My DB and SIL noticed it a month ago at a family lunch and I nearly cried as I finally felt that it wasn’t just me being a bit over-sensitive (what I’d be accused of if I ever mentioned it). My father does it too but as he talks less it’s not so obvious.

I do this, I know. I live alone.

My daughter tells me I do it.. The thing is I love her , and miss her, and when she phones or we meet I can't shut up. I just get anxious and full of chatty energy. Perhaps this is the same thing?

Big , OP. You sound heroic and I hope you catch a break soon.

@TheABC Aww Thankyou. I don't feel it though when I'm snapping at my little girl because I'm frustrated with my mum! Thanks though x

Sorry for disappearing, I fell asleep putting mini-madam to bed!

Honestly, she's not lonely or anxious she's just a bit of a cow! She hates company, especially mine (admits she's always disliked me ), and it's not related to my MS as she does it to everyone! Nobody else ever says a word about it though.

@Woooman Oh I'm glad me posting this has helped you to see that you're not being over sensitive! As wrong as it sounds, it is a relief to know you're not the only one dealing with a particular challenge! Whatever it may be.

One woman I used to know, had this uncanny ability to continue talking whenever she was interrupted. Never even flinched! Every time i witnessed it, it always worked. I've tried it with my mum though, but she carries on too 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

I'll attempt to show her this thread, but it will end in a showdown I just know it. However it may still hit home a bit. I don't want to upset her though?

I think it sounds like the beginning of dementia. I think (no medical knowledgeable, just observations of my family and others) that each person changes individually. Also there are something like 100 different types of syndromes under the umbrella of dementia. You have explained repeatedly that she needs to stop interrupting and she continues, and presumably in the past she didn't do this or would moderate her actions. (BTW DH interrupts me loads and I know how it can drive you potty.)

If it is dementia you should get her to the doctor's. At least to rule it out - or check her hearing (!). I can understand that may be difficult. Also, you need to accept and adapt to her behaviour. She is never going to change back. Her brain ( if she has dementia) is probably undergoing irreversible degeneration. You are the one with the ability to manage your own responses.

I am not saying this judgementally. I have seen my own grandmother decline mentally over the past 5 years and my mother (similar situation to you) having to deal with the frustrations. It's not easy at all. In fact, my daughter was born as my grandmother's dementia was diagnosed and i can see as one becomes more cognitively adept (dd) the other worsens (dg). It is almost interesting to see how the brain develops and then regresses.

My mother has systems in place to deal with my grandmother's limitations (anxiety in her case - leading to dozens of phone calls a day about anything, but often just to my mum's voice). It sounds as if you are starting those yourself. They help hugely.

Of course, it is almost preferable to think that she is just being a stubborn pain in the backside. But I don't think people genuinely decide: I am old and I want to annoy the person I love the most so they end up shouting at me. I hope things work out for the best.

My DM has interrupted conversations and not allowed me or others to finish sentences for many years. Definitely getting worse and personally I think it's dementia related. She's undiagnosed as she refused to admit there is anything wrong. I think it comes from wanting to be the centre of attention constantly. She's lost a lot of friends as a result, it's difficult to have a conversation as it becomes a monologue all about her. I give up trying to converse sometimes then get accused of not wanting to talk to her! No answer to the problem because I know it's only going to get worse with time and progression of dementia. I have changed my response to it all by going grey rock but it's bloody frustrating and feel a like I'm just letting her get her own way, like a petulant toddler really. Just keep your own boundaries in place as much as possible.