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Elderly parents
Original poster

Care Homes - a few questions

24 replies

sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 19:07

I am just starting the journey. My father has been deemed mentally competent but the time to look for a care home has arrived. He has some memory loss but lives in a hoarders house. He needs to get out of the toxic environment.

He has plenty of money to fund for a number of years providing that he sells his house. Could I ask a couple of questions please.

Do care homes allow residents out during the day? Is there any possibility of him getting a small apartment as part of a care home but with a place for meals. He would not want to lose his independence but clearly going forward he will need more care. He is 85

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 11/12/2018 19:10

Can't answer those questions though think the answers would be Yes and Perhaps depending on level of care you envisage.
But has your DF done a lasting power of attorney? If not get him to do one!

KitKat1985 · 11/12/2018 19:17

Different care homes offer different things. Many residential homes for people with lower care needs (I.E, not aggressive or likely to wander off) will take people out.

I don't know any care homes that would offer your Dad a full apartment but with a dining room he could go to for meals. Your choices would probably either be a private room in a care home where he could go out and socialise in the communal areas when he wants, and go back to his room when's he's had enough (but it would probably only be a room rather than a flat); or if you think he could manage more independently, a warden assisted flat with perhaps carers coming in to support him if needed (but he would most likely have meals in his room). The problem with the latter though is there's a greater chance of having to move him if his care needs increase and he gets wandersome etc.

Best advice I can give is go and see as many homes as you can, as it should give you a good idea on what different homes offer.

anniehm · 11/12/2018 19:27

There's several kinds of care, and an assessment of his current requirements is your first thing to do. One option is "extra care" communities which are self catering and warden controlled. Then there's residential homes where no care is provided (think of it like a long stay hotel with laundry service) then there's full nursing. Residential homes (sometimes called assisted living) have varying rules but most allow residents to come and go as they please between certain hours, the exception being those in dementia wings which are generally locked down. It takes a while to get your head around it so go and see several homes initially then take him to see a shortlist - do try to look beyond decor etc and you need to read cqc reports carefully too as a good rating doesn't necessarily mean it's any better, maybe they just spend longer filling in forms! Once you have a preference you put him on the waiting list.

It took us nearly a year to go through all the options, try home based care and eventually find a decent setting - a bit shabby decor wise but amazing staff!

cheesywotnots · 11/12/2018 19:29

Residents who are safe can go out but it's best if they have someone with them, friend or family member. They can go out on their own if they are able to do so but the home will usually assess th3m for walking, memory. Most carehomes organise days out for residents, which the staff go on. Most homes have en suite bedrooms, with a bed, chair, wardrobe, drawers and if the room is large enough you can take your own pieces of furniture, pictures, ornament, lamps in. There are communal areas for meals, some homes have a couple of dining rooms, some have cafes and cinema. Best thing like pp said is to look at the homes in the areas he wants to live in, costs are usually at least 1k a week. As he is still independent you could look at residential homes which are a bit cheaper, some also have nursing home beds for when people need more care, it saves them having to move somewhere else.

Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 19:48

Just looking at it now. He has one already with a friend but he wants myself and my sibling to do alongside him. I have found out I need to start one again unfortunately.

I also have to say it’s not as difficult as expected although the signatures from everyone is going to be a bit of a challenge as one person lives abroad

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Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 19:55

Thank you everyone. I would look to avoid him having to change bearing in mind his age. We have been estranged for years due to his behaviour but now he is a frightened old man and I am the only sibling living in the UK.

I speak to him on the phone as I am 100 miles away. He is not good and in his heyday he created merry hell but things are different now. He has written me out of his will and left everything to my sibling but I feel it’s the right thing to do, to help but not be at his beck and call.

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Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 20:00

His house will need to be sold for self funding care but he has a house worth in excess of £1 m so fees aren’t any issue. He is scared though. He asked me today whether he would have his own room. Very sad...

I am not sure he will leave his house. It’s too much change and despite the house being a pig sty and floor to ceiling crap I think something will happen to take that decision out of his hands.

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thesandwich · 11/12/2018 20:07

Would live in care be an option for a while? No experience but several posters on here have used it- some companies mentioned bluebird, country cousins, home instead.... there are also a lot of new developments around us for 70 plus age which offer independen5 but increasing care when required- you buy them.

thesandwich · 11/12/2018 20:09

Contact age uk for advice, also his county council website may have details of services or be able to give you options.

Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 20:13

You know those hoarding documentaries where you cannot get through the front door. We’ll imagine that in a 5 bed house. Think of a sofa jammed up the stairs, newspapers from 40 years ago, old broken TVs. The bathroom is unusable and the kitchen is disgusting yet his doctor says that he is able to make his own decisions. I guess you have to be really bad these days to be flagged as a serious risk

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Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/12/2018 20:14

Echoing what other people have said, different care homes offer different things, and with varying degrees of independence. Having been through this with both parents, I would suggest starting with a brief respite stay, so he can try out life in a residential setting without feeling trapped or committed. Involve him in your meeting with the care home manager, let him ask all the questions he likes and voice concerns that might be troubling him. My father was worried he would be made to go to bed at a certain time, and that he might get hungry between meals.

Just a small heads up. Like school head teachers, care home managers will enthusiastically sell their product. You will need to be watchful to see what they actually deliver.

Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 20:16

I think a care home in his own area which could take dementia patients when the time comes would be good. Found a Greensleeves Home in Barnes West London.

Am I allowed to ask if anyone knows of it?

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Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 20:19

He did a week of respite care a few months agoand hated it apparently. Said he was surrounded by idiots and it was expensive.

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Furrycushion · 11/12/2018 20:23

There are care homes where you can gave an apartment and catering if you want it. I know of one in Leicester (done know the name, sorry) & one in Marlow.

cheesywotnots · 11/12/2018 20:35

Does he have a diagnosis of dementia, just wondering because if not he won't need a dementia speciality home.

Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 20:43

Not yet diagnosed with dementia. His GP says he is mentally competent but he isn’t t really. It won’t be long and with his age I thought a split care home with two sections so he doesn’t have to move again. The one in Barnes seems to offer both.

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wickywilk · 11/12/2018 20:45

Have a look at the care quality commission (CQC) website. They are the regulatory body responsible for registering and inspecting care homes and publish their findings on their website. Also second speaking to age uk or dementia uk.

chickywoo · 11/12/2018 20:55

As a pp said Best to look for one that’s duel purpose residential and emi so that if his needs changes he can remain at same place, most residentials have a little shared kitchen on each floor that they can use with basic facilities- microwave, kettle , fridge etc and then main meals provided and you can pay for any additional services - eg if he needs help bathing, etc
EMI would be more expensive but would be more help included.
Even though GP has said he has mental capacity it would be worth requesting a social services assessment they would look at maybe his needs could be supported at home if he wanted to stay there or if he does want 24hr care then they would advise best type of home to look for and would also arrange a contract (so they don’t rip you off) even though you are self funding.
At all homes residents are allowed out - obviously depending on needs some may need accompaniment with staff or family, but nothing to stop you bringing him to yours for a day or taking him out or even on holiday. Have a look at cqc but don’t take it as gospel, have a look around places you’ll get a feel for them.

TheFaerieQueene · 11/12/2018 21:02

I would consider a home that has an open and a secure unit. Whilst he doesn’t need a secure facility atm the time might come when he does - this just means key pads on main exit doors so he can’t wander. It would be less traumatic for him to move in now and then in a few years find another home and move again.

Original poster
sunglasses123 · 11/12/2018 21:02

Thank you everyone. I am feeling overwhelmed with this. He has the money in his house and goodness knows what in various bank accounts.

It’s his money of course and price won’t be an issue but am I right to feel upset that he has left me out of the will and that he makes no reference to his only two grandchildren.

I will try and do the right thing but it won’t involve being at his beck and call

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Charley50 · 11/12/2018 21:24

It's natural you would be upset at not being in his will.

NecklessMumster · 11/12/2018 21:35

If he is deemed to have the mental capacity to make his own decisions then he has the same right to live in a state as you or I. It sounds like extra care housing to me, he doesnt sound ready for residential care.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/12/2018 22:03

The CQC reports address regulatory issues and legal compliance but based on the reports I’ve read of two homes I know well, they don’t necessarily accurately reflect the residents’ experience. I would look at user reviews on carehome.co.uk for a better idea.

Has anyone mentioned Power of Attorney yet? If you don’t have it, you really should get this organised as quickly as possible. It doesn’t come into effect until he can no longer manage his own affairs, so he needn’t worry about losing control, but it will save you a lot of hassle later. Be prepared to be very firm about this, without it you will not be able to access his money for him, or act on his behalf and in his expressed interests.

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