Guilt and survival

[orangecushion]

My parents are very old and live about 3 hours away. They are not nice and were horrible to me when I was young. One of them will die pretty soon.

For my own sanity, I don't want to visit at Christmas and yet the guilt os there.

Do what will cause you personally the least harm in the long term

In other words, if the guilt (even though it's misplaced) really will eat you up for years to come, go for half a day on boxing day or something. Not for them, not because you should, but because it will stop you beating yourself up in the future.

If you think you can persuade yourself that they don't deserve your time - even at the end - then don't put yourself through it.

a day trip is not really an option due to travel but thanks for your reply.

Its not that they don't deserve my time, its just I can do no more and i have done a lot believe me.

In their world is Christmas actually something they are going to celebrate or is it just the day that follows the one before?
If they are in the 'It's just another day' brigade then hold on to that thought.

Are you an old child?
Do they have any family or friends around?

ONLY not old....sorry!!

I have a sibling who lives about 6 hours from them. We had terrible Christmases growing up. Bleak.
They have an excellent private carer and some helpful neighbours.

Maybe go for a few hours, either there and back or book into a hotel. Could you go before Christmas, don't let the guilt eat you up, just say hello.

Presumably you are in touch with their private carers? Isn't it likely the private carer person/ team is very aware that you have done as much and can do no more? They will be supportive of your position
and are likely very aware that your parents have 'issues'.
Can you give them an early heads up that you don't plan to be there on Xmas so they have lots of time to step up.

But, as others have suggested, if you could handle a short visit before Xmas involving a night in a hotel (which you would not mention to them whatsoever) then that might be one way of having the whole festive period spoiled by feeling guilt ridden, albeit misplaced.

How does your sibling feel about the situation?

Sorry ... Not having it spoiled

I hear you OP. Christmas guilt is hideous. You say you have done loads for them and I certainly do believe you.

I agree with other posters to choose the option that sits best with you, and yes I know that may not be a clear cut decision. You are an adult, you are not a child and you don't have to do what they expect of you. You deserve to have a peaceful, enjoyable Christmas

roisin, by horrible coincidence he has been seriously ill this year and basically has had enough.
Thanks all for your replies.

I suggest you go up early - a couple of weeks before Christmas and spend half a day with them. Take a token present, chat to the carers - be professionally kind. Give plenty of buffer room between the visit and actual Christmas.

Not all carers understand that adult children who keep their distance do so because their relationship with their parents has always been fraught. Some are coached to believe the absent child is just callous and selfish. Showing your face with cheer and basic humanity may help you to keep a good relationship with the carer.

That's what I plan to do. After the way my monstrous father treated my sister recently, I'd be happy to never see him and my ditsy enabling mother ever again. But I will continue to do my duty so no one can accuse me of being the callous one.

Thanks One Step, I fully understand what you mean. The outside world can think what it likes, I know the truth . Thankfully so does the carer.

I think you’ve made your decision OP and that’s good. Be at peace with it and remember how you feel right now if it tries to come back and haunt you. Maybe write down all your reasons, all the hurt all the history and keep it like a shield to protect the yourself from guilt in the future.