Hi all, ok so not my parents but my grandparents. So sorry for the Novel.
My grandparents are both in their mid 90s and still living in their home. All was going ok-ish until a few months ago when my Nana got some mild cellulitis and became bed bound. She went into hospital as they thought a blood clot where she was mobilising but the second she came out she refused to move again. Que my 65 year old dad having to carry her places and when things didn’t improve social services set up carers, aids, bed etc ... however she became extremely demanding. To seemed to want to make things as difficult as possible for others. She refused to move, refused to use the “nappy” style pads, so wet the bed several times a day, would call up everyone, including family, neighbours or asking the gardener, cleaners to carry her to the toilet or use the bedpan.
Family wise there is my auntie and mother and their husbands, my mother is severely disabled and uses an electric wheelchair when out, her spine is very deformed and crumbing, her bones break very easily (she broke 3 vertebrae just moving some bags), she has significant autoimmune problems (disease like lupus etc), so she’s not well, my dad is still in work as he can’t afford to retire, he’s very tired and very stressed (funding looks like it’s running out at work, so he’s trying to magic up money to keep that going). My auntie also has heath struggles I think she has ME/fibromyalgia, she has a issue with her foot from an accident and feel over a year ago, but still despite surgery to her hands hadn’t recovered, she is still working although currently off sick, and my uncle works full time. So they all struggle for various reasons.
My Nana will just demand constantly, she acquired a bell and would sit there ringing it for everything. My grandfather was rushed off his feet and given if someone was there with her she would demand him. All stupid things, can you bring that closer, can I get another drink, more salt, when I counted up the amount of things in one meal it was over 10 demands, the fork wasn’t the right one, she wanted another bit of kitchen roll (one wasn’t enough and she had tissues). She is constantly eating too, and will constant call someone I’m saying she has not eaten or drank all day. She calls my mum about 30 times a day and she goes up there about 5 times a day, certainly no less, my father is up there 3 times a day minimum.
For context,
630am - my dad goes in, opens up,checks in on them and helps my grandfather with things he needs
7am -Carers come and give her cereal,
8am - my mum makes her fried egg and toast,
9am - another carer makes tea and bread and butter
1030/11 - neighbours daughter goes in and makes them tea and cake and stays
1130 their lunch gets delivered, they are immovable in this, they have always had their booked meal at 1130. The neighbours Daughter now stays for then and brings them their meal and washes up. She does anything needed in this time.
*by this time my mum will have been called up for at least one “emergency”.
1230ish - carer comes, gives them second lunch usually a sandwich, tea, cake, soup, sort of thing.
1/130 pm another carers comes, often my nana will have paid someone to bring her chips, rissole or something from somewhere.
3pm - my mum goes up, makes them tea, soup, cake, jelly or whatever they want at that point.
4pm - carers (this is new, officially to make their supper)
430 - neighbour comes home, gives them tea, does any washing they need, gives them something else to eat, often Bread or a Welsh cake etc.
*mum will get called up again usually by now.
630 pm - neighbours husband calls in makes them supper, team baked Goods etc.
#Around this time my dad comes on way home from work, he finishes all sorts of times so it’s not predictable but will call in even if he has to go back to work.
7PM - carers feed then soup, tea, often get chips etc and sort them out for bed.
8pm - neighbours go in and “tuck them in”
9pm - my Dad goes in and locks up and checks everything.
*my mum will have had to visit again in the evening.
On top of this- the neighbour referred to is one house, she will call others throughout the day saying she’s not seen anyone all day, and she’s needing a drink, food, wee. Literally will call any of them.
My auntie and uncle are back and forth throughout the week too, one day this week my uncle was there 5 times in one day too.
She has cleaners who officially come twice a week but she has them do things a lot more than that, calls them up saying she’s needing a cup of tea.
Gardener the same, he officially comes once a week but she will call him up and send him to buy her things.
There are always people turning up with shopping she’s sent them for.
The neighbours daughter is getting over 10 calls a day from her now.
I tend to just call in rather than make arrangements as I have 4 children, two with disabilities, and I do unpaid work at the school which I’m committed to, but really I’m just angry at this situation, frustrated, Upset etc. My mother is really failing health wise, it’s taken a massive toll. Mental heath wise both my parents are exhausted my auntie has has a mini break down and very stressed too. Even when I step on it doesn’t stop the burden on anyone else as they just continue making demands. I can literally walk out and next thing I see mum mum arrive as they have called her saying they need someone and I haven’t closed the gate yet (we all live doors away from each other).
Plus all night, so my parents get calls every night in the middle of the night with “emergencies”
After a few weeks despite everyone running around he looked dreadful, exhausted and swollen. He has cellulitis all over, he was very swollen and diagnosed as in severe heart failure and kidney failure. He has since gone done hill very quickly, he no longer knows what’s going on, he gets very very confused, he strips off naked and wees in different places. Mostly he just sleeps, he doesn’t eat well and it’s just so difficult seeing him like that.
The demands keep getting greater and the problems bigger. There is thousands missing, they stored money in a box which is now near empty. She is obsessed with the money and hides it places and tells people she has no money. She told everyone on Monday my mother (who collected the money) gave it all to my grandfather and left her with nothing. For context she has £470 and he had £300. She denied this, she called all the neighbours, cares, cleaner, gardener and told them this. People went in to look for the money and couldn’t find it. Next day it was all found (so she’s clearly able to move out of bed) and then instantly (they literally went to make her tea and it was gone) lost £50 of it which they found on the other side of her bedroom.
This week she has called the police twice, when they answer she says wrong number, she has threatened to call police and say cares, family etc are abusing her if they don’t make her demands, she has accused people of hurting her, she has bitten my auntie, she’s pulled a radiator off the wall, she’s called the GP telling them my mother stole all her medications and she told everyone she was going to kill herself and took a mouthful of pills.
Doctors and social worker been out several times, suggest respite they agree to their faces and the minute they leaves they say no. I just don’t understand how they can be deemed to have mental capacity to make these decisions. We have shown call records, played the voice mails which are dramatic and lies. Carers are leaving in tears so that must end recorded somewhere. They refuse care but clearly this can’t go on?
Any advice? I know I sound selfish, I do go in as much as I can but refuse to be dragged into going several times a day like everyone else. I frankly have enough on my plate. If it meant taking the toll off my mother I gladly would, but it doesn't, it just another person added to the rota and more tea (plus I make awful tea so she doesn't like me doing it anyway 😂)