How do you deal with the nastiness?

[NormaLouiseBates]

My 77 year old dad has always been a difficult man. Demanding, selfish, arrogant and generally a bit of an arsehole. Not all the time of course; he can also be charming, kind, generous and a lot of fun.

As he's got older and sicker he's got more and more unpleasant. He's currently in hospital with suspected sepsis and also awaiting confirmation of lung cancer (PET scan a couple of weeks ago, biopsy 10 days ago). His moods are swinging wildly from day to day. He's so rude to me, my brother and my mum and also to my adult daughter who he has always idolised. I don't know how much of it is the possible infection or if it's just old age or even the start of dementia. He's getting more and more confused too, telling us things that we know aren't true. Tonight he was accusing the nurses of stealing his medication. He's rude to the hospital staff too, it's so embarrassing and upsetting... he's racist, impatient and seems to think they're all out to get him. He's accused them of lying to him, waking him in the middle of the night to take his blood pressure for fun (wtf?) and refusing to give him his painkillers. All of these are untrue. We are there visiting him every single night and sometimes during the day too and I'm starting to dread every visit.

I can't kid myself that this is solely down to either illness or old age as he's always been an unpleasant man; it's just magnified lately.

How to deal with it though? Pull him up on every rude, nasty comment and we're either met with more aggressive rudeness or sulking and silent treatment. Try to ignore it and surely it's giving him the okay to continue? I'm so very tired. My poor mum is at her wits end with him and is dreading him coming home as she'll get the brunt of it then. With the cancer diagnosis a mere formality things are only going to get more difficult.

If anyone has been in a similar position I'd love to hear some coping strategies.

I think it's time for your mum to have some time to herself. Her life is going to be a misery if she has to be a carer for him. Is it time to look at residential care, do you think?

He is scared and lashing out. Take your mum out regularly for one on one time. Sorry you are going through this

It could be the infection that’s affecting his behaviour. My dad has just recovered from neutropenia sepsis and he was very ill, very confused and saying things that didn’t make sense. He was also very anxious about being in hospital which was expressed in all sorts of behaviour.He now doesn’t remember a lot of it - probably a good thing. His mood has improved greatly since he’s got better (well apart from the lurking cancer). I didn’t realise how much an infection could affect their state of mind. How do you cope? Well short visits if you can manage it. If you can arrange with other family members a visiting Rota. & look after yourself. Hope things improve for you 💐

I'd make sure to give your mum some
Much needed Tlingit

It probably is the start of dementia. Don't force yourselves to visit every day if he's being so unreasonable. There must be some specialist organisations that can help you? Eg MIND?

Thank you each and everyone of you for taking the time to reply. It's made me a bit tearful to be honest.

He's got 2 sisters and a brother locally but he won't let any of them visit at the moment as "he can't handle it" so it's all falling to me and mum mostly. My brother is great, he does his best but he's not local and works full time so is limited with how often he can come down. I've had tonight "off" as I'm working and I've been told he's been particularly vile to my mum so I've told her to take tomorrow off and I'll go up with my daughter or maybe my husband.

Something not right about dreading visiting your own dad in hospital when he's so ill isn't there?

This must be very upsetting, I would make a short visit with dh, don't take your daughter, she will get upset seeing him like this. It could be sepsis, cancer, dementia, medication, there are lots of reasons which I am sure the staff are considering. Do you have to visit twice a day, would you and mum feel able to not visit for a day, give yourselves time to relax a bit. When he gets a diagnosis and they start making plans ask to have a meeting with the doctor and nurse, explain that your mum will not be able to manage.

It's sounds to me like a UTI. It's very very common in elderly people, especially when they are ill and in hospital. My nana had this (we suspect she has got a little bit of early dementia) but completely normal usually. When she was ill in hospital she was literally mad. Thought nurses were trying to kill her, turned really racist (not like nana at all). Was convinced her flat had burnt down and that my dad (who she adores) had sold all her stuff and stolen the money. As soon as the infection went away she was fine.

It sounds like the same thing. Hugs for you

He probably has no idea who he's talking to or what he's saying. it is hard for you though and I am glad that is something I didn't have to face with late late father. See if you can get some support for your Mum from relevant charities. I found some helpline to be incredibly supportive when facing some horrendous scenarios.

To save your own sanity maybe do what I do with my DM. I just pity her and think of her as someone who has lost their marbles. FWIW I don't think she has completely, sometimes I think she's just a bitch by choice. But if I think of it as a mental degeneration rather than her choosing to make personal attacks and selfish actions, it's easier to brush off.

It’s a known phenomenon that being in hospital can make people lose their grip on reality. I guess it’s the institutionalised nature of it, loss of control, people poking and prodding you. It happened to my Dad when he was in his late 50s. Social worker was talking about residential care etc. because it didn’t seem like he was safe to be left alone. It passed and he’s back to his usual (always slightly unhinged) self.

So whatever is happening to your Dad could be amplified by the setting. Good luck.

My dad was like this and it was a urinary tract infection in fact. I used to dread going to see him as you just never know who you're going to get whether you going to get the nice Dad or some raving lunatic. Yes it was incredibly hard to deal with so both you and your mum need a lot of support in the coming months. Sending you love and best wishes.

My dad was like this when he had a UTI, it was horrible and very upsetting, especially as he was a good natured person. Speak to the nurses about his behaviour and good luck.

My Dad was like this when he was in ICU. Apparently he tried escaping! Once he was on a ward and off the strong meds he was fine

Been there OP. Make visits short and light - turn up, talk for few mins then say you need to get X from hospital shop and does he need paper etc, go to shop for a bit for a recharge and back to ward.

I've pulled mine up on occasion.

An awful time for all of you. Have been there with my own dad. Looking back I realize he was very very frightened but having always been the protector and provider he couldn't bear to show weakness in front of his family. He would definitely have considered it weakness to admit to this so instead we had exactly the aggression ext you describe.

Hang on in there op. Look after yourself...and your mum ...and him as best you can. But remember ...this is more likely to be a marathon than a sprint.

I made the mistake of trying to be all things to all people ...every day ...doesn't work. I did better when I gave myself the odd day off. So sorry you and all your family are going through this. Take care.

It's kind of comforting knowing other people have been through similar, so thank you all for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. I'm going to try and switch off a bit in future and not take what he's saying so personally. I'm going to speak to the nurses today and see if he's been checked for a UTI as he has had them before.

OP the sepsis can cause delirium, this is particularly common in older patients. When he is over the infection he won’t remember any of this behaviour. Don’t be embarrassed, the hospital staff are used to it and know that it is the delirium and not your dad that is causing the behaviour IYSWIM. Good luck

My nan has just been in hospital and was exactly like this. I think it was a combination of UTI, feeling scared and vulnerable and also the start of dementia (she's in her early Nineties). Talk to social services about getting some respite care to relieve the pressure on your mum (the hospital can put you in touch). If it is a cancer diagnosis, there may be a hospice close by where he can go as a day visitor to give your mum a break and also for him to talk to people in the same boat, because he's most likely terrified by the prospect of having lung cancer.

You say your dad has always been 'Demanding, selfish, arrogant and generally a bit of an arsehole'. There is a good chance it's not his illness doing this, it's him - he thinks that because he's ill - maybe terminal - he has permission to be rude and abusive to his wife and family.

It's up to you if you put up with this or not, but have you considered just leaving when he starts getting nasty and unacceptable? It's not like he can do anything about it. "any more comments like that and I'm going" "Right, I'll see you tomorrow".

Long term is there anything you can do to protect your mum? Will she stand up for herself?

Definitely ask staff if he might be suffering from Delirium

Common in older people in hospital and can cause behaviour shifts.

My DF was like this and it was hypoxia. By the end of his life, he was a little, foul-mouthed old man that I didn't like and I sadly don't miss him. I wish I did. I had no help, my DC were kids themselves and I was his only child. Nothing I did was right and I got no comfort or support from him when my marriage ended.

Have a word with the nurses about a UTI. Apart from that, there isn't much you can do. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

As much as I would to be able to blame his behaviour on infection or delirium most of the way he is acting is not new, it's just worse than it was. The way he's acting with the staff is also not completely unexpected... he's always been prone to rudeness to just about anyone. As I said in my OP he's a very arrogant and selfish person, has been all my life. My brother and I suspect he might actually be a narcissist - he certainly displays a lot of the traits.

@PurpleWithRed we've talked about just getting up and leaving him when he starts but none of us have ever had the guts to see it through. My mum does stand up for herself to be fair, she doesn't let him get away with talking to her like shit but then they just end up arguing, he gets nastier and she gets upset.

I try really hard to remember what he is going through and to appreciate how scared he must be but then I look around his ward at some of the poor sods there who barely get 1 visitor a week and there he is, surrounded by us all loving and worrying about him and he treats us all like shit. I suspect that when I go up there this afternoon he will be pleasant and chatty. He is often like that after a particularly unpleasant outburst.... which again, makes me think it's him and not the illness as surely if it was the illness he wouldn't be able to switch it on and off the way he does?

You need to get up and leave. He is selfish and nasty and you don't deserve it. He won't change, so to stop the abuse you need to do something and the simplest thing is to walk out of the room. We can't change the behaviour of others, just our own.

If he's always been this way, then you can't blame it all on his illness. I'm sure he is scared and lashing out, BUT it also sounds like he's a nasty bully and you've all been conditioned to pander to him and let him have his own way all the time.

Next time, if he says anything nasty, just say 'Dad, I'm sorry you're ill and in hospital. I'm sure you're scared, but that was really rude and hurtful. Please don't say things like that, or I will leave and I won't come back. I've been spending a lot of time visiting you, and I won't if you are horrible to me.'

Then if he carries on, leave. This may shock him into being nicer.

Your poor mum too. That's no way to live.

HUgs and