FIL moving in

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Basically my FiL had a stroke and has spent the last couple of months in hospital. He is now medically optimised, can talk and swallow but has lost all use of his left side and is currently catheterised.

Social workers were all set to send him back to his flat with a care package of four visits a day. We worried he'd basically end up staring at the walls so we've sorted out a room and he's coming here for eight weeks and then we will decide how to proceed.

In theory, according to the social worker, we won't need to do any actual care and can simply carry on living our lives, go away whenever we want etc. I would be interested to know how this is likely to work out in practice: do care agencies tend to be reliable, is it very wearing having strangers in your home four times a day? This sort of thing. Anyone in a similar situation?

Care agencies do tend to be reliable...they have to be as some clients would die without their visits.

Most of the workers will be in and out very quickly as they're always on timed visits and never quite have enough time. You're very good to have him at yours....I'd do the same but I know it's not easy.

It's not wearing having strangers in because they're fast and doing tasks which they focus on.

That's reassuring Ajas, I'm just a bit concerned that because he has us around, if they are pushed, they will prioritise people in greater need, which is understandable I suppose, but not really what we are signing up for.

IME it depends on the agency, some were on time but rarely, they do come but always seem to rush, they only had half an hour for each visit. You may find yourself doing some caring, preparing meals, laundry, shopping, which is great as long as you are happy, some people want the carers to do those things. If he has no sensation down one side have they arranged equipment to be delivered like a hospital bed, hoist, commode, pressure mattress, will two carers be coming each time, if not you may be expected to help him change position, turn over, get dressed. For his room we bought a plastic chest of drawers from wilko to keep pads, wipes, nappy bags, catheter bags, gloves in. You can apply for carers allowance if he is receiving attendance allowance. If you do go away ask the carers what plans they have for overnight care, sometimes ours came around 8pm then not again for 12 hours which us too long for someone unable to move themselves or if the catheter needs emptying.

We are happy to do laundry, meals etc when we are there, just want someone to do personal care and cover for us if we are away. Although I hadn't thought about 12 hours being too long for him to be left; the hospital and social worker were quite happy for him to go his home.

They have said there will be two people and they have brought around a hoist, commode and pressure mattress. We had to buy a bed.

To be honest I feel we haven't been given much info about anything: it's not a very joined up system.

I believe he will only receive free care for a certain time period. The care agency/social worker should advise you when this is due to run out. After that, if he needs more care if he has assets he will have to pay or be means tested.

Yes he will be means tested. He is a bit over the threshold and has a small pension. He has been very generous to us in the past though, so we are happy to shell out if becomes necessary.

UPDATE

Well this has all been a massive learning curve. Beginning with them delivering him to our house in the evening with no continence pads or catheter bags, no thickener so that he could even have a drink and only half his meds.

We have subsequently discovered his discharge notes are s complete work of fiction: according to them he can walk, eat proper meals and is fully compos mentis. Obviously this mistake had had s big impact on the services we can access.

The other big problem is that we live in one county and our GP and FiL ex GP are in a different county (boundary splits our village). Cue much head scratching and buck passing and hand washing.

We honestly have spent the first two weeks of FiL being here simply on the phone trying to sort stuff out. We have made a complaint to PALS too.

Carers have actually been okay, ranging from not bad to brilliant.

But (and I know I'm a bitch saying this) it's the smell, the horrid stinky old people rotting smell. It permeates the house now. I think it will be the smell that does for me in the end.

FiL is now totally away with the fairies too; apparently we are all in a lovely holiday home in Penzance, his long deceased dog sleeps on his bed and I have acquired a fifth child between DC3 and 4. Very spookily, this child slots into the biggest gap in our family (2 years, then 3 years, then 6 years) and is called one of my shortlist names. Not quite sure what to make of that other than FiL has slipped into some parallel dimension.

Aaaah venting feels good!

oh wow, that sounds awful

are you regretting taking it on? What's the plan going forward?

btw what is the thickener for the drinks?

If you need support from the local council - assessment by social worker and physio, it can be helpful to contact your local Councillor for help in moving things along

Grace dad had thickener in his drinks after his stroke - flavourless powder to add to drinks which, I think, would otherwise be a choking hazard for people whose swallowing reflexes may be affected.

The thickener is because he cannot safely swallow unthickened liquids. This was not provided and left off his prescriptions. DS had to trawl the local pharmacists until he found one to agree to sell us some without prescription. At that point poor FiL had been 24 house without a proper drink (obviously we tried our best with milkshakes etc).

Regrets? Well maybe. I'm not sure how much FiL is getting out of living with us, considering he doesnt know what day it is. And it's definitely taking a toll on DS.

I suppose the only benefit is that we know that, physically he is well looked after.

Sorry, taking a toll on DP not DS. If it were DS, I'd call a halt at once obviously.

I think everything is pretty much in place moving forward. Still waiting to see what PALS say.

We had my dsd here living in our annex for several years before he died, so I know what you mean about the smell. I thought it was just that he couldn't be bothered to shower but maybe it's something unique to old people.

I don't know, FiL gets fully washed every morning, clothes and bedding changed every day, incontinence products straight in the outside bin. But it just smells.

I think there's actually hormonal changes that can cause smells, sadly

so going forward, he's on track to go in a home? I actually say to mum, if she ever gets to a point where she doesn't know who I am, I don't think I'll keep visiting

Honestly, I think whether or not he goes into s home is largely DP's decision to make, since he is carrying most of the stress. If we could find him somewhere lovely then I don't think it would be a bad idea. Seen too many horrid homes though.

In our heads we thought he would still be FiL only in a wheelchair, eating mashed up food and maybe a bit forgetful. I honestly thought he'd be enjoying the football on the Telly and playing board games with the youngest when he gets in from school.

In reality we have an adult sized toddler. We love him but it's quite relentless (and it's only been 5 weeks).

yes, "relentless" is definitely a time to consider a home

I say this as someone considering moving in with their 80 year old mum. But the situation you are in is entirely different. Did he have health issues before the stroke?

Before the stroke he was a perfectly independent 83 year old, living in a cosy flat in an over 55s complex, hanging out with his lady friend of 10 years and planning the latest holiday.

The stroke was a result of planned surgery to fit a pacemaker. To do it they needed to lower his blood thinners.

He would hate how he is now.

Oh Tinkly
that is so sad
how long did they reduce the blood thinners? My father had a pacemaker but I must admit, I don't recall how long he had to stop his squillion other meds before taking it. I was against dad having it in the first place - if I had known stroke was a risk, I would have spoken up. I didn't say anything because i figured it was his choice.