Christmas with elderly parents/relatives

[JontyDoggle37]

Wanting to get some thoughts from others in similar positions. Since we got married, DH and I have always hosted Christmas, with his parents, my mum and an elderly aunt. However, elderly aunt is now in a nursing home and needs constant supervision and has to be helped to go to the toilet etc. My mum has also deteriorated a lot in the last year and now has carers 4 times a day at home, needs special rails around the toilet etc. Even if I could get them in the car to bring them over, I can’t get them on and off the toilet if they need it because we don’t have the special rails and I can’t bodily lift them on and off, and they don’t want my husband doing it. My mum in particular will be devastated if I say she can’t come here for Christmas, but I can’t see how I can do it. I can’t take Christmas dinner round to hers as her whole house is now basically kitted out around her disability requirements and she has medications and dressings and all sorts everywhere. Do we have to just visit them separately for an hour or so each and then still have dinner at home with DH’s parents? DH suggested taking everyone to a restaurant, but the toilet issues remain as most of the old pubs around here don’t have great wheelchair access as they’re all listed and very old. I feel guilty about excluding them, but can’t see what other solution there is. Any thoughts gratefully received...

This sounds very complicated.
Although your mother will be devastated to not spend Cmas at your house, she must realise how difficult it would be . What does she say about the situation?
Elderly Aunt is not too much of a concern as she will have company in the care home.

Your Aunt should have a lovely Christmas in the care home and will probably be more comfortable there. Could you visit on Christmas Eve. If your mum came for a couple of hours would she need the loo, if she has a wheelchair you could get a special adapted taxi to bring her and take her home. You could follow in your car to settle her both ways, my mum can't manage my stairs this year as I've just took her home from a second hip operation.

Is Mum's house big enough for all of you to sit & eat? Adaptions for Mum's disability shouldn't mean that you can't use the oven. It's over a month until Christmas, do you have an afternoon to spend with her to sort out her medication & dressings? I'm concerned you say these are everywhere, gather them up and agree where they will stay. Anything out of date or no longer used needs to go back to the chemist for disposal.

Rails fitted? Or would your dm not visit more to justify it?

Could you take Christmas dinner and crackers round to your mums and stay with her for a couple of hours while she eats it and watch some Christmas TV, etc, then have your Christmas dinner later at home with your DH's family? I'm in a very similar position myself and this is what I had in mind to do if my DM not able to come to us.

1. Visit auntie in the care home a few days before or after . Don't feel bad - care homes do Christmas very nicely, she'll have a good day.

2. If your mother lives nearby - go and pick her up about an hour before the meal is to be eaten, make sure she has used the toilet before you leave . Have her for the meal and some family fun, then get DH to take her home.

3. Think about getting your own bathroom sorted for her to visit in future . If this is going to be a long term thing, and if she visits often, it might be the sensible course to take.

Thanks for the comments. Mum doesn’t visit our house at all otherwise as she is housebound and can only go out in a wheelchair, and even then finds anything longer than an hour painful because she doesn’t have her specially adapted furniture. We visit her every weekend instead, sometimes twice a week. One of her conditions mean she has to drink all the time so she always needs the loo. I think we’re going to have to do something at her house for half the day and have the rest at ours, and see my aunt either that morning or the day before.

When we had Mil at Christmas (she had Parkinson's and also had carers 4 x a day) we fetched her in the car and brought her wheelchair. We also brought her special toilet seat/ stand for the loo -see photo-.
I borrowed a high seat granny chair from a friend too.
It required some planning, but I think it was worth it as she got to see her great grand children before she passed away 6 weeks later.

That being said, there is a downstairs loo, and she could stand with a bit of help. I would hold onto her while she turned round, and help her with her clothes. She wore a pad too.

Would this sort of thing be possible?

Photo

How about asking the care home if you can take your mum to visit your aunt and do a christmas tea with them both?

Redact's plan would be my suggestion, too. Although CMOT's suggestion of a visit to see her sister/ aunt in a place which already has the care aids is also worth exploring if you can get the care home staff to agree they will be happy to help with the toileting. Maybe try to talk to the activity co-ordinator at the care home and see what they suggest for a visit before or after Xmas.

. If your mum came for a couple of hours would she need the loo

My urgent advice to you when dealing with the elderly, is to not arrange anything that involves no visits to the loo. Nothing more guaranteed to make you want to go, as knowing you can't.

Have you considered hiring some equipment, so that she can use the loo , the Red Cross are very good.

www.redcross.org.uk/get-help/borrow-a-commode##

As someone who's come gone through to the other side on this (i.e my mum is dead) I have to say that, looking back, the last few Christmas's (in the care home) were never really up to much, which is not to say that other little moments either side weren't terrific, it's just it's hard to anticipate ahead of time the events that will turn out a treat.
Instead, you may find you look back on lovely days that came with no expectation and realise they were the moments.
Christmas isn't live that as it comes with so much build-up and expectation.
We don't know how far away you live, etc, how long it takes in the car. With us, it was usually a case of having her changed before you leave, then not leaving it too late til getting her back to avoid a UTI. Plus, avoiding too much drink in the morning though trust me, with many care homes that really isn't a problem (cough! Liverpool Care Pathway).
My main regret was not getting Mum back to the family home enough in the last few months. When you get middle-aged Monday becomes Friday before you know it and times speeds up in a way that looking back is very unhelpful.
It's like two cars in a head-on collision going at their combined speeds. It's later than you think.
If you can't swing it on the day, swing by a few days before with the pressies and do all that sort of thing. It's true that the day itself will take care of itself at the care home, plus other relatives might be around dunno if that's a plus or minus. But it can add to the stress.

Sorry, Christmas isn't like that...

Does your DM still have capacity to FaceTime or Skype or WhatsApp?
If she does it may be worth exploring how to keep her in touch with the family without leaving her house. You could write down a step by-step guide of how to connect. The actual Kindle or iPad or 2nd hand family phone could be her Christmas present and all you need do is sort out how she accesses wifi. (And consider paying her neighbour £10 /month to share their wifi password).

Could you/dp collect dm an hour before dinner and return her late afternoon - not ideal but she could use tena lady or similar if she cannot use your toilet (though it is not too difficult to transfer people clothed, they then slip them off while seated.) Aunt may need a visit instead.

It depends how far away you live. This year I've decided to cook and eat at my place then drive over to M&S's house with dinner and pudding that I can just microwave / reheat and watch some TV and chat with them. They're really only comfortable in their own home now. But I'm very local to them and we decided just to eat early.