Guilty daughter.

[roisinagusniamh]

My elderly mother lives in Ireland and spends her time going between my two older sister's houses. They share her care but find her very difficult.
I live in Engalnd with two teens, a partner and I work full time, but term time only .
One sister constantly badgers me to come 'home' and do my 'bit'.
I go every three months, usually leaving my teens at home and do my best to be productive when I am there. I phone twice/ three times a week .
But, because I don't drive theres not a lot of practical things I can do for my mother.
My mother won't come to me because she doesn't fly any more due to her anxiety.
I'm finding my sister's constant nagging, badgering and at times shouting hard to deal with.
I feel guilty all the time but also, know there is only so much I can do because I live here.
Anyone else have a similar set up?
Any tips on how to deal with angry sister (whom I am a little afraid of)

I live in lreland and cared with my siblings for my elderly dm.One sibling lives abroad and l think its really mean what your dsis is doing.
Things that helped with my db abroad. He constantly acknowledged what we were doing and saying how much he appreciated it. He sent us a generous voucher at Christmas to go out to dinner on him. When he came home along with his dw they insisted on completely taking over for a few days. We didn't expect or need that but he was adamant. At her funeral he publicly thanked us. All that meant a lot and there was absolutely no bad feeling.
Appreciation is the key l think. No much else you can do.

Thank you June.
To be honest no matter what I do is enough .
My son is autistic so I am very torn . I can't always take him to Ireland as he hates change (and angry sis thinks he is very badly behaved ) I feel guilty for not going more often and guilty when I leave my son.
That's a lot of guilty for a ex catholic 😄

Why dont they get some professional carers in to help lighten the load, what do they want you to do. Can you do much from a distance, online stuff, food ordering that sort of thing.

She wants me to come over more often. I go every school holiday and half term .
I don't know what she wants really, I think she's frustrated and resentful that I live away and can't realistically do much .
She says my son is spoilt and bad mannered and that my daughter is s princess . They don't like her at all !
My other sister is fine but finds the same sister very difficult but never challenges her which is part of the problem.
I think we will have very little contact with her after mum dies.

The reality is that your doing your best to go back to Ireland when your not working to give both your sisters a brake. My feeling is that your sister is fed up of minding your mother and it's easy to lash out at you.

I know a little about the health care service in Ireland for the elderly. Does your mother need help with dressing, washing herself ect? If she needs help in this regard your sister should contact your mother gp and he/she can put her in contact with her local public health nurse. They can see what your mother needs and work from their to get your mother some extra care/help.

If it is the case that your mother does not like been on her own his your sister looked into a local day care centre? Your mother could get transport to and from the local day care centre where activities are available for her to do, she would also meet up with people of her own age so it a good from a social point of view. It also gets your mother away from your sister for a few hours a day.

Also in Ireland there are a number of active retirement groups that meet up regularly, go on days outings that suit older people and even go away for 1 or 2 night to other parts of the country.

If your mother needs more care their are a number of agencies in Ireland that can be paid for to mind your mother for a few hours or a day. Your mother s gp would be able to advise your sister further on these.
Would you be in a position to give your sister some money towards paying for a career or for a cleaner if mother has a lot of washing?

The next time your sister rings talk to her about the suggestion s I have made here. She may not be aware of what maybe available in her local area.
I know it's not easy minding an elderly mother but it unfair of your sister taking her bad form out on you and your other sister. Ring your other sister instead about your mother. At this stage both you and your non bossy sister need to tell her you not taking any more verbal abuse from her.

What do you think your mum would want? I know that I would never want my children to be in that position, and nor would my mum. I echo the pp who asked about private carers? Or a care home? You do what you can, this is not a tenable situation. For anyone.

Thanks ilady.
They have a carer coming in twice a day , paid by mum (money is not an issue).
However, she refuses to go to any activities available for the elderly in the area and is fully dependant on my sisters for company, which I think is why my sister is so fed up and therefore lashing out at me because I get to go back home (although balancing my job and my son's issues is challenging)
My mother is not easy to be with. She can be rude and cutting and has no interest in us and our families.
She pays both sisters monthly for her keep as at she has some awareness of the cost of things.
But she firmly believes it's the family's duty to look after her and my suggestion of s care home was met with outrage by both sisters !
She only sees things from her perspective.