How to persuade parent to move into care?

[user1494670108]

My dad is 83. Fiercely independent, not very sociable and has dementia.
We have carers twice per day and a visit from a family member everyday but this is becoming not enough.
He has lost track of day and night, is often not sleeping in his bed and is up and down all night when he does. He is also becoming increasingly incontinent (mainly urinary).
If he needed help in the night he wouldn't be able to summon it, won't wear an alarm and can no longer use the phone - that's many many hours where he could be in trouble.
We've found a lovely care home but he doesn't accept that he needs to move, has always wanted to stay in his own home. He is physically mobile and active and I suspect he'd be one of those residents always trying to escape or asking when he can go home.
I've thought of telling him a white lie to try care "carers on holiday/ heating needs repair" but does anyone else have any suggestions to help him accept a move please?

Does he have a social worker? I know that where I live if you are diagnosed with dementia you automatically get a social worker. He certainly needs an assessment by social work as it sounds as if he's not safe in his house.

Carers twice a day for someone with dementia and living alone does not seem nearly enough.

Could you try him there for a couple of weeks respite to see how he gets on? He may settle and make friends. You won't know if you don't try so it might be worth a shot if this home allow it. Otherwise would a sheltered housing flat be the way to go? That worked very well for my mum.

I second seeing a social worker. If you contact his gp, they should be able to but you in touch with you local community care team made up of district nurses, physios and they generally have a social worker attached to the team. They will be able to look at mental capacity and his current care package

Get in touch with your local adult services. There is an amazing multitude of technology these days that may help out. Mats that identify if he has got up in the night but not gone back to bed, door alarms, etc etc. Standard is generally up to 4 care visits a day before moving to a care home so it may be possible to up the visits in the short term.

Obviously all this is just putting a likely inevitable move to care but as he struggles more he may become more amenable to the move. Respite is also a good idea if he would go for that. He may even find he enjoys the company.

You could ask his doctor to carry out a capacity assessment, do you have power of attorney for his health and welfare. Like others have said you could call adult social services and request a review if his care package.

Be aware of his mental health as well as his physical. If he's fiercely independent he may prefer to take the risk to his physical health.

As helpfulperson says, there is a lot more technology around now to help keep an eye on him, to alert people if he hasn't moved in a certain length of time, to give him automatic voice alarms to eg take medicine or lock the door.

Do you have power of attourney in place? Might be worth looking at if it’s not too late.
Would live in care be an option?

I thought I'd just come back to update. We persuaded dad into the care home for "a holiday", "to give you and everyone else a little rest" and it's gone brilliantly. It was planned as two weeks respite and four weeks on he's happy, enjoying greater stimulation and company and is positively thriving. He doesn't seem to realise it's a care home, and doesn't ask about his own home.
What a relief.

That's great news. Must be a huge relief.

That’s great news. I’ve arranged for my mum to go in tomorrow to a nursing home. She doesn’t have dementia but is very muddled and was always very resistant to leaving home (has lived in that property for 60 years). I have had some issues over the last few months persuading her, but I had one lined up and a couple of weeks ago she took a turn for the worse and luckily they had space.

I was going to try the “just for a little break” card but she’s accepted going straight in. Sad that it’s come to this but it’s the right thing for her and will be such a relief

Thanks for sharing. My dad may have to move somewhere soon and its really helped reading about your postive experience.

Thanks for letting us know and I'm glad it's going well. A tip just in case he does start talking about going home etc we found my Dad settled when we used the term convalescent home as this was something he was familiar with people being in from his childhood and was happy to be there but he felt it wasn't permanent even though it is.

What a lovely update OP!

You need to take the decision away from him and you - talk to adult social services for an assessment and also his gp. If you haven't already seek power of attorney