My life is wasting away

[Viciouszebra]

I’m going to sound like the nastiest person in the world here, but I can’t stand any longer helping to care for my MIL. She’s 70 and widowed a few years ago, and since FIL died seems incapable of doing anything for herself. She has no health issues and is fully mobile, but still insists on my DH driving her around, taking her shopping, paying her bills, etc. I feel like she wants the luxury of being cared for like an elderly person but she doesn’t actually NEED the help. She insists on phoning DH 2-3 times a day even if he’s busy, insists on coming to our flat for dinner (even if we say we’re busy as we have a baby), and won’t take no for an answer (she acts frail when we say no and cries about how lonely she is). I understand that life is hard for her now, and I have no issue with her visiting a couple of times a week which I think is perfectly reasonable, but some weeks it’s EVERY SINGLE DAY. DH is very soft when it comes to his DM and won’t say no to her, even if it causes and argument between us. I feel completely trapped like my life is being wasted, as if MIL is with us she says she can’t walk far which means we can’t leave the house. Sometimes I go out with the baby on my own just to get space, but then she complains to DH that I don’t like her and don’t want to spend time with her. I can’t win.

I just feel like my life is being wasted. There are so many things I want to do and see but I feel held back by a needy MIL. DH earns a good wage and we both love to travel, but she complains and cries every time we leave the country so DH won’t do it anymore. He says that we can travel again when his DM is no longer with us, but that seems so unfair. Surely there must be a compromise here? I just feel so stressed by the situation that I can’t see a solution.

You have a DH problem. That's the one to sort out.

She is only 70 and still independent, she may live for another 20 or 25 years. Your dh needs to stop letting her rule your life, maybe she feels lonely, would he suggest she speak to her doctor about being a bit more independent, maybe she feels a bit depressed. If he doesn't change the situation then I would be very tempted to take a few days away with my own parents or friends.

Do you have your own parents nearby? Could your mother have a word with her. Sometimes they are more willing to listen to their own peer group.

You need to get your DH to understand that although you are happy to see her a few times a week, anything more is just too much. Try to make him understand that her loneliness cannot be 'fixed' by just being with you guys all the time, she needs companionship from her own age group. If you can get her involved in lunch groups, walks, craft activities, it may lessen the pressure on you and your DH. And not travelling til she's gone is stupid, realistically she could live until 90.

Does your DH have siblings that could help out?

DH is an only child so no help from siblings. MIL has few friends, and refuses to get involved with anything locally to make friends. I don’t have a good relationship with my own parents and rarely see them so they can’t help at all. I’ve spoken to her gently about her loneliness but I can’t get through to her. She’s too stubborn and seems to think that DH is all she needs, which is wrong.

I just want to spend time with my DH and baby on our own, but she’s always there. DH refuses to see the situation through my eyes, and it feels as though he’s putting his DMs needs/wants above mine. We’ve had many arguments about it, but the situation never gets resolved. DHs attitude is that she won’t be around forever, but like HoleyCoMoley said she could live for many years yet. My life just feels like it’s on hold whilst we wait for MIL to pass away, which is a horrible feeling.

I can’t leave DH because of this, him and DS are my world and I love him very much. He’s a good man, but this is the one issue that we can’t find a resolution to.

This is awful

Where are your friends? I would vote with your feet and spend more days out of the house roaming with dd. If you have a busy schedule of baby groups and activities, coffee dates, gym, walks, rhymetime at the library, ANYTHING, then you might feel less trapped at home. Tell dh you are going to be out more because it's unbearable and unreasonable to be your MIL's security blanket at the age of 70, and that he's welcome to join you. Book two holidays next year even if they have to be long weekends in a Travelodge - one where you invite her and one where you go as a family. Let her cry, sympathise, but go.

I'm a new widow. It's not great. But your dh is doing your dm no favours allowing her to behave like this YEARS into widowhood. She has potentially many years of good life ahead.

I wonder if this is a cultural thing, is MIL from a culture where she expects to move in with her son's family and be cared for?

Sounds appalling I'dbe tearing my hair out 🤯

No, it’s not a cultural thing, she’s just mollycoddled DH his whole life and now makes him feel as though he has to repay her. I’m scared to have another 20+ years of this.

I miss my DH. He’s my best friend and I love spending time with him, but it’s non existent now. He recognises this and says he is sad too, but there’s nothing he can do. The guilt and pressure his DM puts on him has trapped him. I can’t get him to understand that she’s being unfair to him, and in turn the situation is unfair on me and our child.

Ok, if it is unlikely that dh is going to help you find a solution then you have to look after your own mental health and well being. Find activities to do outside of the home when she is over or ask a sympathetic friend whether they can let you use a spare room just to escape. These are not ideal solutions but something just to keep your sanity until your dh comes to his senses

Clearly she sees DH as a substitute for your late FIL and unfortunately DH is enabling her

I lived through this exact situation and know from experience that the feeling of DH being "a best friend who you love to be with" can fade all too quickly when they refuse to compromise, the rest of the family suffers and resentment starts to build. So while you're still communicating well I'd calmly put all this to him, in the hope he'll stop dismissing you with "nothing I can do" and start thinking of ways to make this work for ALL of you

If he refuses, certainly you could build a separate life for yourself and the DCS - but if you don't regard such an approach as much of a marriage it might be that, sooner or later, you find yourself with a difficult decision to make

I really sympathise as I'm an only child with parents of 79 & 80 and mum is a bit like this even though she still has my Dad. She's not as bad on a day to day basis as I'm divorced and work ft so she knows I am literally unable to dance attendance, but does seem to increasingly be thinking that she should be my No1 priority 24/7 during the holidays.

DD and I are away on a city break in Europe atm and I had several days of tears, tantrums, unpleasant messages and general emotional blackmail when I told her (I also had the 'we've only got a few more years, you can have holidays then' spiel). Tbh your DH really needs to man up.

I miss my DH. He’s my best friend and I love spending time with him tell him this, and remind him that your son also needs his dad's full presence and attention more than he's getting at the moment. Sit down with DH and map out a plan for supporting MIL that also minimises the impact on your lives.

If she is healthy and able it is not your DH's responsibility if she refuses to participate in activities and make new friends. She is making that choice in the full knowledge that it enables her to manipulate her son. I'd also recommend your DH gets some counselling - I did transactional analysis with a therapist a few years ago which helped my put my mum's foibles into perspective.

Finally if your DH won't engage with this, you should make it clear to him that you will not put your life on hold for the next however many years, and if that means going on holidays with friends and having adventures with your own son without him, that he will have to accept that.

What would MIL do if you didn’t live close by ? I would suggest you and your husband go out at least once a week to eat or find local social club or pub. I don’t see why you can’t have a holiday or weekend or other random days away. Will he have day at seaside, day at farm, day to visit other relatives or friends ? Why do you need to loose your freedom/independence ?

Luv

Can I make a suggestion?

You say there are many things you want to do. So do them. Even if in a small way. Take time for you.

You need to put your boundaries back in place and remind your husband of his other responsibilities.

MIL could live another 30 years. You have to start doing more for yourself and your child. Does she have a bus pass ? Can you all go on a cruise holiday, atleast there would be other people there and entertainment. Can you join WI, knit and natter, drama or some other clubs together or alone ?

Yes, absolutely need to put boundaries in place and STICK to them.

She is only 70 and in good health, no reason to be made to feel guilty.

I would hate my children to feel they owed me anything later on, for me that’s not what parenting is about.

I knew someone with a mother like this, OP. The mother lived to be 101. My friend was 75 by then, and her own DH only lived for 12 months afterwards.

Sorry I can't offer any useful advice here. Tough times ahead I fear. 

I'd be brutally up front with my husband. I married him, not him+mil. I'm not interested in this life - I want xyz and right now his decisions are preventing that.

I'm also in a situation that in last 12m two friends have died in their 30s leaving young children behind. They're too stressed & busy looking after the children left behind to deal with the needs of their in-laws. If DH were to pass away unexpectedly then mil would be on her own - I won't be pandering to her. So in DH position he should be building up MIL resilience.

We none of us know how much time we have left on this planet. He's fallen into the habit of doing whatever his mother wants. He's sacrificing his marriage and his child's stable family life for her sake. Because of his choices. "Nothing he can do" my arse.

Golly I wouldn't dream of putting that responsibility on family, I can (at 70) sort myself!

I'm not quite 70 but already the world is a more scary space than it used to be. I don't quite know how it happened, but technology has moved on. I haven't been on a train for 2 years, and I'm going to have to find out how to buy a ticket - it's no longer "just walk up to the window and ask". So I can understand how a 70 year-old in good health who's lost her partner would be leaning on her children. But she needs to widen her support network (and not use up all your goodwill while she's still got other options).

If DH were to pass away unexpectedly then mil would be on her own - I won't be pandering to her. How far would you take that? Refusing to be her "best friend" and insisting she creates her own social circle is one thing, but what about when she's very old and frail, can't understand what people are badgering her to do, needing medical care but can't make her needs understood, can't stand up for herself and in danger of being bundled into a care home against her will?

Key word in that sentence is pandering. FYI.

No, I wouldn't turn my back on my MIL (I actually adore my MIL) but I wouldn't be pandering to anyone. Especially if they were perfectly capable of looking after them self but just could t be bothered.

OK, ThinkOfAWittyNameLater, I think I understand you now. Don't underestimate how much your confidence can drop as you get older, and how apparently trivial decisions can become sources of great worry even though on the outside you look fit and healthy and in full control of your wits.

I've learnt that what my DF needs is not shopping, or housecleaning, or cooking (even though from the outside he looks totally incapable of any of these), what he needs is to talk through decisions with me, because he is now seeing complications and worries wherever he looks. Drives me potty!

I do sort of sympathise with your MIL in that the world suddenly slips away from you and you feel less capable of dealing with day to day life. If you come from a generation used to personal service (bank managers, family doctors, ticket offices etc) you are used to a certain amount of help doing things and a world full of web based self service transactions is very alien. My DM just couldn’t cope with anything “automatic” and refused to have even a debit card.

However the solution isn’t to lean increasingly on your DH. He would be a better help to her by getting her involved in groups aimed at her age group, lunch clubs, U3A, library, etc. She might need him, or you, to go along with her to start with, until she finds her feet.

Loneliness is awful, OP, so bear with her until she finds an alternative social life. But I agree, your own life is as important as hers and your DH needs to work out a balance that suits everybody.