I was raised by my father's mother and she sadly passed in 1987 I adored her and was happy with my idyllic small town and life (I was just about 16yrs old) . My father thought it best I move to stay with my mother as he remarried and i felt he didnt really want me to stay with him so moving to a large city with no friends was my only option along with suffering greatly from the loss of my nana. I had very little contact with mother over the years i stayed with my Nana she kept letting me down continually holidays etc just not turning up and making excuse after excuse. she was in a same sex relationship in which her partner was abusive and controlling (no violence toward me just emotional abuse). I never really came to terms with the loss of my nana and struggled settling in living with my mum, due to jealousy of my mum's partner i was walking on egg shells never knowing her mood and the very mention of my father would cause issues and violence, my mum and partner made my write to my dad saying I wished no further contact a letter as I remember very cutting, I thought this would help and beaten into submission (although not happy doing it) i believed writing the letter would help to reduce the violence and tension in the house.....it didnt. 30 years has passed and I'm a parent myself now and no idea why I am thinking about getting in contact to write and explain why I wrote the letter all those years ago. To be fair my father made no attempt to get in contact and due to the time passed I just felt it had been too long and his life will have moved on and not sure he would have even missed me and the fear of being rejected weighed heavy on my mind . I don't want or need anything from my father but would like to make contact and still not sure why. Should I leave it as is or should I write that letter?