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Elderly parents

MiL with cognitive deterioration

8 replies

Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 13:58

I'm not quite sure if this should be here or in Relationships.

My in-laws have moved a fair distance away, which is fine but is making difficult conversations harder. MiL has been having memory issues for several years now. I noticed and mentioned it to DH and BiL but it's not until it was very noticeable that BiL has agreed with us.

We have talked to FiL and gently tried discussing it with Mil, when she's brought the subject up but it's all very difficult as they have exceptionally firm boundaries as a couple and can be difficult/firm if you cross them. DH and BiL are very conditioned to the boundaries, I'm struggling as I'm from a shouty family, that don't sweep things under a carpet for years at a time.

Anyway, as part of moving, FiL promised he'd do something to address the issue as part of the new GP onboarding process. PiL have just been down at BiL and so I asked if he knew what the current situation is, as a couple of months have passed. Needed to chase for an answer and he said he's giving them a break as FiL know what's needing doing.

So frustrated, so sent him a ranty email, tho I did explain it's not really my place. However, we're visiting next month and I'll end up having the conversations they avoid. I understand about capacity and that it's up to them, etc but they live a long way away and FiL still seems to think MiL can manage "if she concentrates" and could live on her own. That ship has sailed...

Really, just so frustrated, advice welcome.

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Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 14:00

She's always been very looked after (doesn't manage any of her own affairs) but he's now ill with various complaints, hence our worrying about the move, tho if it makes them happy, we can't really complain.

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thesandwich · 16/09/2018 15:03

It is very hard in these situations and especially when relationships are tricky. Bitter experience as many on this board will confirm says that confrontation does not work..... and causes very damaging rifts.
Especially in laws..... you can only help if it is accepted and welcomed. Sometimes all you can do is wait for the crisis armed with information. And things like poa are really important.

HoleyCoMoley · 16/09/2018 15:18

What are your main worries about them.

Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 15:40

Got the LPA back in force now they've moved. FiL is uber-organised, which is one of the reasons I find this difficult. I can't see (happy to be told why) how he doesn't see how much she needs to be assessed.

I think I'm saying this here because I am trying not to be over-invested/under-concerned and I don't know where the line is. Hard when you don't know the people to comment but writing this down is helping me, so thank you.

I also find negotiating the massive elephant in the room awkward. Plus I have them all complaining at me about the repetition of ideas, etc. I think everyone is a bit scared of MiL as she is more than able to tell one to go away, issues or no issues! I do love her actually!

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Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 15:41

Plus I sort of expect when there is a crisis, it'll be me away from home, picking up the pieces, which I find difficult these days due to my own issues.

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Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 19:40

DH has now raised this again with Fil & he says she is seeing the GP soon.

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auntyflonono · 16/09/2018 19:53

Have they sorted out power of attorney?

Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 20:20

Yep, years ago. Fil is very organised.

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