Elderly mum with dementia and smoking

[Piglet208]

This is so difficult. My mum has recently returned from a long stint in hospital and rehabilitation unit after a terrible fall. Her mobility is poor and she has dementia (not yet diagnosed, she is under the memory clinic) and she now has carers visiting 4 times a day. Having always smoked she didn't mention it whilst away but after a few days of being home she found some tobacco and tried smoking. It was a disaster. The carers discovers candles left burning, she couldn't use a lighter so she went through two boxes of matches and finally she left a burning cigarette in her bin. There were burns on her electric hob. She had been out knocking on doors asking for matches and had risked a fall using stairs as the lift was broken. The carers suggested we remove everything, hoping she would forget about it, to avoid the fire risk. The things is, a week later and she is not forgetting. She phones daily or more begging for tobacco. She gets quite abusive if I try to explain as she has forgotten the problems. I do her shopping on a Saturday and she keeps phoning to say I need to bring tobacco or she will go out walking on her own. It is obviously causing her distress but she lives in retirement flats so I feel a duty of care to the other residents too. Has anyone else got experience of this?

No. However would nicotine patches help?

Thank you for replying. I'm not sure if she is having physical cravings as she went for two months without smoking. It seems to be more of a mental fixation. She was a very light smoker, maybe 5 a day. Although if she smoked now she would forget she had just and one and would probably be on many more.

This is a fire risk to herself and others, you can't buy her cigarettes, matches or a lighter and yes they need to be removed and the neighbours asked not to give her anything. I know that's not much help, can you speak to her g.p.

My mum did go through a period of going to the shops twice a day for cigarettes forgetting she'd already been. By the time she went in to a care home they would only let her smoke supervised. She eventually forgot she ever smoked but by that time it didn't really matter, she was long gone 😟

Thank you all for replying. I know that I (and the carers) are right that it is too dangerous. I just wish she could understand and not be so angry with me. It's heartbreaking. Honestly she forgets just about everything except the fact that she wants to smoke. I will mention it at the next GP appointment. I keep hoping she will forget again that she smoked but I think I might just have to suck up the fact that I have to take the abuse until then. Wish me luck for today's visit.

Can you buy her an e-cigarette or one of those nicotine things that looks like a cigarette but you don’t light it?

@Haggishaggispudding I thought about that but my son reckons she won't cope with the refilling. Maybe I should investigate more.

Get her one of those e cigarette things. Maybe she won't even need to fill it. Maybe having it to draw on will be enough.

I am investigating the disposable ones. Might be more expensive but certainly easier to use. It might satisfy her compulsions.

Maybe one of the newer pod style ecigs would do the job? www.electrictobacconist.co.uk/pod-mods-c91 , they are either refillable or the pods are disposable and not too pricey.

Anger seems to be inevitable with dementia. As are obsessions.

My advice would be to think of an alternative dialogue.

My mother was furious when I took away her cheque book. I had to because she was giving our bank details to dodgy cold callers. She went on and on about me stealing etc and gained a fair amount of sympathy within the family, whilst I had to deal with sorting out the financial mess.

So it was the bank who asked that her account be closed. No, she still had lots of money, I gave her a list of her assets, plus sufficient pocket money that she could actually see it.

How about a dialogue which has her deciding to give up smoking because the doctor suggested it. That she has done very well. (I was sort of cruel, in that my mother hated admitting she had forgotten anything, so I would provide a logical argument that I would claim she had agreed to, and then congratulate her on her common sense.) That she was using vapes or something as an alternative.

This might divert her from a difficut "I want - you wont allow" conversation. Once you find the divert that works, keep using it and she may find something else.

Thank you for the refillable suggestion. @Needmoresleep your advice seems perfect. Distraction can work and blindsiding, using her forgetfulness in my favour might just convince her.