My DH, an only child, was neglected by his single parent mother when he grew up in the USA. She put work before him and he was left for hours on his own at home with no food. She borrowed his college fund money, promising she would pay it back and when he was college age and asked for it told him he should be independent and that she didn’t have it to give him.
She is terrible with money and has always struggled with debt even when she has had extremely well paid jobs.
She didn’t wash his clothes and by age 10 he had to figure out how to do it for himself because his teacher told him he was smelly.
Despite DH being in the U.K. for over 10 years (to be with me) MIL has never visited even though DH has told her it would mean so much to him. Her health means that now she would not be able to fly although there is talk now of her maybe getting a boat over and her sister is encouraging her to move over to live with us?! Not sure that can happen as immigration laws very tough.
MIL is morbidly obese and sadly does nothing to help herself. She is intelligent so it’s not down to ignorance. Her health is deteriorating and she takes
no responsibility for her own health or wellbeing.
She never buys him birthday presents or even a card but has sometimes hinted that she expects a very expensive birthday present (hundred of pounds). She seems to sulk at most gifts we have sent her even though we have spent a lot of time and effort even when we haven’t been able to afford much. A few years ago it was no card as usual but she did send an email on his birthday requesting some money as she hadn’t saved for her taxes that year. We didn’t have spare funds and he managed to avoid giving a straight answer and eventually she apparently found a way to pay it.
We are not wealthy at all. We work very hard and make sacrifices to ensure our three kids (who DH is step parent to) have some good experiences and some financial support from us. 2 are now Uni age.
MIL has no pension or healthcare provisions (vital in the US) and is hoping for a chunk of money from her mother when she dies to bail her out. We fear that this is a pipe dream and that there is hardly any money to be inherited and what little there is will be distributed between six siblings. When MIL dies she will be leaving nothing but debts.
The dilemma is, we are worried that she has an expectation that we will bail her out when it comes to the time that she can no longer work given her sense of entitlement. This might be quite soon given her immobility due to being overweight. She can no longer do grocery shopping and struggles to reach the mail box. She works from home but has cut down to part time as she struggles even with sitting at her computer.
Due to being financially stretched for years and putting my kids first I have only just started saving into a pension at age 46 and am worried about funding for my own old age. I do not expect or want my kids to bail me out so will be focusing on saving as much as I can in order to be self sufficient so as soon as the kids have all left home I will increase my payments.
Neither of us feel like bailing MIL out when she refuses to take any responsibility for setting aside contingency money or even thinking about a pension even though she is in her early 60’s. Given her lack of interest in him for his entire life and her lack of support of any description we don’t know if it’s appropriate to jeopardise our financial security. I’m petrified she might expect to be able to move in with us and support her physically and financially for the rest of her life. She is difficult to be in a room with for half a day let alone indefinitely.
I don’t know if I come across as being a totally selfish b*t#h or not though...my own mother abandoned me and DH’s was absent so we haven’t had much luck with parents. My Dad, for his faults, has been financially supportive to us at times and does not have expectations or any sense of entitlement thankfully!
Is it expected that we care for parents who barely cared for us?
Soz for essay...