Do you reap what you sow?

[Snog]

FIL is nearly 80 and lives independently across town from us. MIL died 10 months ago.

In laws have not been helpful or supportive whilst our dd was growing up. Neither was a good parent to DH either in my opinion. FIL is generally quite affable although also quite racist.

Neither DH nor I are offering any help to FIL and don't visit him regularly. We don't have much capacity to help him anyway as I have a chronic illness and DP works long hours. I feel like I should be helping and/or visiting FIL although he hasn't asked for any help.
But I also feel like he doesn't deserve our help due to his treatment of our family thus far. Can anyone relate?

Yes, you do reap what you sow. One of my friends spent years trying to do what her mother wanted but nothing was ever good enough. She promised her daughter various things including money but has given her very little money. My friend then found out her mother sorted out a lump-sum of money to be given to one sibling for a house and other siblings where helped out also. My friend also found out her mother gets a good pension every week and has a large lump sum in the bank. My friend said well the ones she looked after over the past few years can mind her because I am not doing this.
I have another friend who's child has special needs. Her mother has never once minded her child to even give her a few hours of a brake. Her mother and father are not short of money but even when my friends husband was out of work they never offered her money when they knew she was struggling. A few things happen recently and my friend finally had enough. She has told her mother I won't be minding you later. This lady has 2 daughters and she will do anything for the other daughter, mind her child, give her money ect. This daughter will do things only if they suit her so minding her mother in time will never be part of her plans.

My parents never helped me when my children were small.
I have an autistic son whom my mother asks me not to take along when I visit her and yet my sisters expect me to visit her and do my share of the care when I live abroad.
My Dad was lovely to be around and great company but , unfortunately, my self obsessed mother is still alive and causing major problems between the siblings.
She was not the best mother to me. She preferred my sisters .
Yes you do reap what you sow .
I try and help out but don't feel sorry for her at all.

I think you definitely real what you sow however some people are guilt tripped into looking after DPs. I have a DF who does much more than she should for her abusive, alcoholic Mother.

My “D”M was angry and never missed an opportunity to put me down. I never felt wanted by her. I have come to realise as I’ve got older that she had a very traumatic birth which can affect your relationship to the baby, and possibly had PND and me and my DSister think there may be other things going on like ASD/ADHD. That doesn’t excuse her treatment of us though. She’s never recognised her depression or sought help. She prefers to be miserable and quite nasty at times.

My DF did most of the Parenting. When he was unwell DSister and I couldn’t do enough for him. I’m not sure “D”M will get the same treatment when she comes to the end of her life.

V similar situation here too. PIL have always been quite cold and distant where me and our dc are concerned. Neither dh or I have any inclination to help out now they're elderly and in some difficult circumstances.

Fortunately they favoured their other sons who seem to be picking up the slack so

Yes. My DM is on her own. 3 hr drive away. She's been a shit mum for a variety of reasons but even now is selfish and lacks awareness.

MIL and FIL on the other hand have been brilliant. DH has always said he can't fault them as parents. They are such a big help to us as well. I have chronic illness and feel very limited in what I can do. DM is independent right now, she will have to go in to a home when the time comes. She made no sacrifices for me.

Russell I think the “lacks awareness” thing really gets to me too.

My mother's inability to see situations from anyone's perspective but her own is what makes being with her so difficult.
We don't actually like each other and yet , to do my duty and help my sisters , I have to spend time with her .
When I stay with her the hours drag on . She will not converse on any level other than herself , hair and GP appointments being of equal importance to her . If I try and introduce a topic she sighs and shuts down or orders me to do a chore .
She is incredibly intitled and firmly believes it's the child's duty to look after the parent while never having helped me with anything in my life .... never once looked after my children .
Amazing how high her expectations of me are !
(sorry for rant , this thread is very helpful)

There is a bit of me that thinks reap what you sow goes further than applying it just in response to your parents relationship with you. I think children learn from example and that all of us as parents will need forgiveness and understanding from our children at some stage.

I think our children will learn their compassion and kindness from our example not from how we treat them but from how they see us treating others

It's easy to think we are doing a good job as parents but we are comparing it by today's standards. What we consider acceptable parenting now may turn out to be less than acceptable when our children are adults and so I try to practice the relationship I would like with my children with my parents even though I have felt let down by them many many times.

My mother has never shown any love towards me, it’s a toxic family full of abuse and favouritism. She wasn’t there when I was in a refuge, in fact she would go to my ex partner’s house for a coffee and chat!

She never texted me to ask how I and her grandchildren were doing, not a single call during my years at University as a mature student and not once she offered any help or support. She doesn’t even know if I’ve graduated or how my new job is going.

Now, she has MS. Her last boyfriend died of a heroin overdose in 1997 after being visciously cruel to us. She’s living alone now.

Her toxic behaviour has trickled all the way down to my sisters’ whom have issues. Now I’m being made to feel guilty for never visiting her. I’ve no interest.

I do believe you reap what you sow. My mother never took an interest in me and not much in my children. She has never done anything to help me in my life. Now i find i am the one who will have to be there for her. She has always favoured my siblings, who are selfish and don't put themselves out. I am torn between thinking 'why should I?' and feelings of responsibility and guilt. It's hard to know what to do.

MysweetAudrina Spot on. I agree there are abusive parents and I'm not talking about that. But expectations of what makes a good parent have changed.

Owlshooting, why do you feel you will have to be the one to look after her ?

I remember a few weeks back that someone posted in a similar situation saying they hated caring for their dad. Wonder how that ended

This thread certainly resonates with me. My DF always favoured my 2 sisters who grew up to think that the world owed them a living. They also think that they are above helping our father now that he needs us. I have been lumbered with visiting him and caring for him as he ages.

It is all duty with me, I cant muster up many feelings towards him at all, other than a grim feeling of 'it serves you right' when his favored daughters fail to visit him.

On a happier note, some family friends were told they'd regret not having children when they were elderly (born 1907-1920s). Partly because they were lovely people, their friends and children-of-friends all chipped in to help out and assist - one lady would be phoned at 9am every morning to check she was OK and eventually helped to get a live-in carer, and she would call through her address book to ensure someone came for dinner every night - and eventually you'd be asked to bring dinner with you! Another chap is 90 now and after falls has been welcomed into the home of a couple younger friends (50s and 60s) with others like my parents helping sort out adaptations etc. If he needs a nursing home he'll have as many visitors as he can cope with!

Roisin, because I have moved back to live nearer here. One sibling can't be bothered to even visit her, and the other at the other end of the country with family and work responsibilities .

Owl, have you discussed her care with your siblings yet ?
Would it be possible to arrange a meeting where you could let them know how much you are prepared to do and , if they are not going to share the burden, what they can arrange, etc

Sheldonstwin, even though it 'serves him right ' if his favoured child won't visit him, it's you having to do it and therefore, he is still being looked after which is actually fine for him but totally unfair on you !
Have you discussed his care with your siblings yet ?

The state has the duty of care, not family. And if people have capacity to make poor decisions and refuse help, even from stretched social services, they should live with the consequences
We should all remember this

Roisin - my sister seems to think she can have my mother to live with her, but its obviously completely not practical for a number of reasons. She also can't really face up to what is happening to my mother now. My brother doesn't respond to messages and doesn't go to see her unless he wants something. My sister lives at the other end of the country. i have an Aunt who has power of attorney, but she doesn't like my mother ! My mother's brother is very close to her and knows most about it all, but he also lives at the other end of the country and he doesn't have any contact with me. It's a mess.

I relate to what you say. DPs were spectacularly unhelpful when my DC were tiny, even though we lived nearby. Their self-absorbtion put me off being hte hands-on duaghter I'd instinctively have been if they'd been less elfish and more involved in our lives when we needed them most.

My dad expects the world to wait on him hand and foot. I don;t and won;t. It infuriates him. I see them twice a month (it's a four hour round trip so I think that's plenty) but I'm always being nagged at by them, and by elderly relatives to spend more time with them, do more for them, take weeks off work to care for them. I won't. They never cared much for me as a child, or for DC and that has cooled my heart. My only misgiving is that I don't like DC to see how little I want to care for them, as DC have been very carefully and loving nurtured by DH and me, and I want that to continue reciprocally for the rest of our lives. That said, I want to die before DC ever have to deal with the kind of madness that my DPs inflcit on us. I won;t ruin my DC's midlives with my senility.