DM's loneliness/depression seems to be worsening - any advice?

[MaitreKarlsson]

Hope you don't mind me posting here but I think you'll all have better advice than the mental health forums...
My lovely DM (73) has been on her own since divorcing my dad 30 years ago. Short version; all was fine until her retirement about ten years ago. Overnight she lost a lot of her dynamism and energy. Although she did join some clubs and start to go to church more, she has gradually lost interest in those things. I'm aware she has been lonely for a long time. She lives in the SW of the country (we're in London). She'd really like to meet someone, but in the country it is not so easy. I've dragged her on to the internet to do some dating but she hates it - private by nature and doesn't enjoy it unless I can be there with her looking over her shoulder to make it more enjoyable. Which I get, but she's becoming more isolated and unwilling to go out.
Recently she's become particularly negative and 'flat' and I'm really concerned but not sure what to do next. Unforunately she and my DH don't get along well. So her coming up to us doesn't work as well as it has done in the past. Christmas was really difficult - she had the kids, DH and I were staying elswehere to make it easier and we'd booked a Christmas meal out. She didnt seem to enjoy it in the least. I'm not sure she cracked a smile all day. Even me going down to her is less pleasant than it was - I try to make her cheerful but she shrugs and turns away from me.
She isn't the easiest to get along with and over the years has had rows or disagreements even with close friends, some of which have gone for good. She can be fairly self-centred and is absolutely rigid in terms of rules and loyalty; if she feels people have betrayed her she will never speak to them agian. One example; she had a very nice partner years ago, but they broke up. Unbeknownst to me he got back in touch with her many years ago and asked if they could try again. She refused because 'he had his chance' even though she really really liked him and has always regretted the break up.
There are lots of bright spots. She is in pretty good health and fairly fit (was a dance teacher) and comfortably off. She has some good friends locally. She can afford to go on holidays. She recently went back to the country she used to live in, which she loves and prefers to the UK. She could even morve there without loss of benefits etc and has good friends there. I suggested she look into it but the response was along the lines of 'when I get there they will all get fed up of me'.
I'm sure I'm not alone in having a parent like this. Could anyone share anything that has worked in similar circumstances? I've discussed getting a dog with her but she's not interested as it would cut down any travel opportunities, she thinks.
All advice welcomed and thanks for reading.

You can only do so much.if you think she is depressed, perhaps a trip to the gp might help- but otherwise it is down to her. Borrow my doggy or cinnamon trust might be an idea to have some doggy company. But the rigidity is very common in elderlies sadly.

Thanks sandwich.
Any other thoughts anyone?

Sounds like depression.

She is your mother but she needs to take responsibility for her life. If she can't pick herself up to get out and meet people then she needs to go and see the GP.

She will drag you down if you're not careful.

It could well be clinical depression. However, she must agree to see her GP to discuss her symptoms and agree to a trial of anti-depressants if her GP thinks appropriate. Do you think she would be amenable?

My late father was started on anti-d's quite late in life and there was a massive difference in his presentation and general demeanour.

Worth a conversation but as said previously, your mum must take responsibility for her own life if she is in good health and solvent.

Thanks for the suggestions, Riding thay gives me a ray of hope! Will wrestle her back to the GP.

My father was like this. He reminded me of Eeyore from Winnie the Poo! I think he had severe clinical depression but he would not make any effort to help himself.
He lived near to us and we all saw him regularly. I tried loads of luncheon clubs, hobby clubs to get him interested in. Took him out regularly. Got him meals on wheels and as many visitors as poss. Local church, charities and befriending groups. He would not engage and had no enthusiasm even for his grand kids and newly arrived great granddaughter. My husband and I were dragged down by it as he was like a black hole of need. He never initiated any conversation with us,was such hard work.
However, the bugger was chatty and bright with all external visitors when we weren't there. As soon as he saw me it was back to the poor me routine. A nurse when he was in hospital pointed it out to me I couldn't believe it.
God knows why he did it. I spotted him at the local shops one morning bright as a button chatting to shoppers and local aquintances. He was like a different man.
He never changed and I think he did it for attention and it got into a bad habit.
He had severe health anxiety and had us taking him to hospital regularly with chest pain which was diagnosed as pulled muscles from his badly behaved dog pulling on the lead. He still called ambulances tho and had us back and forth to the hospital.
Not sure if this is any help but shows your not alone. We worried about him too much and my poor kids got let down a few times as a result.

Cheers frippit, I think you may have something there. Definite Eeyore tendencies