Continence and Mum’s refusal to accept reality

[Ginger153]

I’d really appreciate a bit of help.

I’ve been looking after my mum one way or other for the past 13 years. She’s had a horrific time - cancer, broken bones, all sorts. She’s got a complex cocktail of drugs and home care four times a day. Her mobility has declined significantly this year and she’s getting physio, has all the necessary kit at home to manage, red button etc. She also has a live lodger/housekeeper. It’s a weird one, but they’re fiercely loyal to each other and have lived together for many many years.

Anyway, things have deteriorated and she’s frequently not making it to the loo on time. The GP is reviewing all her medication.

I’m just home from helping to clear up after she didn’t make it this morning. Poo everywhere.

I’ve asked her to consider continent pants but she’s refusing. She says she can’t pull them down when she goes by herself, which is true. She also says she is a risk of infection if she wears them. The four home visits a day means she would be regularly changed.

However, we can’t continue as is. It’s unhygienic and frankly I don’t know how long I can cope and she deserves some dignity. Our relationship is fragile at best so it could descend into a battle.

Can anyone offer some words of wisdom please? Thanks all.

Ps I wouldn’t even know what to buy so thoughts welcome on that too if I can get through to her.

All that sounds very hard OP, you're obviously being incredibly patient and supportive, and it sounds like your Mum has good further support. I don't have direct experience of being involved in their care but I have an elderly relative who isn't totally continent. She is very proud and can be extremely set in her ways (I think due to losing independence and wanting to retain what control she can) but she has moved to Tena Lady pants which seem to work ok. Also have you tried a commode? Not ideal but better than messing elsewhere. Anyway, hopefully my reply will bump your post and you get some proper advice!

Also if you haven't already try speaking to the home caters who come during the day, see if they can offer practical advice for her situation?

There should be a continence nurse in your area that would come to the home and talk to her and discuss her options.
I'm a community carer and see this so often.
If there is a certain time that's worse then a commode can be effective, if it's just night time for instance having one in the bedroom can help.
There are a few different types of pads and pull up type pants.

Your mums GP should absolutely refer her to the continence nurses. They are the experts in dealing with this.
I second the commode a PP mentioned whilst your waiting fir the referral. If it's that she's not making it to the toilet, the commode can be next to her so she might have more of a chance of not having an accident.
My mum is not elderly, but is severely disabled, so I've had to become a but of an expert in continence issues, but you have my sympathy because it is very wearing and unpleasant to have to deal with.

Thanks all. She has a commode in her room.m which is fine for nights but mobility is the problem during the day. She doesn’t always get enough warning and can’t always get up quickly enough. The GP is reviewing medication because she’s struggling with dodgy bowels just now. Her friend is selling a brand new riser chair which we’re going to buy which has taken some persuasion as she wants her home to be as normal as possible and not like a hospital room. Hopefully that will help with the getting up.

I didn’t know about continence service. I’ll ask for a referral as I’m not sure the GP knows that she’s not just struggling with her bowels but it to bathroom/commode in time.

It’s all very difficult and I’m worn out. My father had dementia so I’ve been through the process of decline before but I’m very different circumstances. I appreciate your kind words. Thank you.