struggling to cope

[grg01]

Hope ive posted in correct place.
Really dont know where to go from here. My mum has been diagnosed with dementia and is getting gradually worse. She doesnt know me anymore really but loves my wife and daughter and sees them as friendly. She always carrys a bag with her now and always wants to leave the house shes in.My dad is getting very angry stressed and depressed because he cant help anymore.But he still is angry with her because he cant make her understand and always pushes her to remember people which she cant. She does say she doesnt like the angry man and wants him to go . This frustrates my dad even more.He wont listen to us and justs keeps on at her to do stuff.They dont eat properly anymore so go out everynight and try to get to peoples houses for dinner.He says i have to get her out of house as she needs to be with company,real reason my dad wants the company not mum My wife and i believe he is making her worse.He refuses to get help but wants us there all time for moral support all the time. Both myself and wife work full time and have a daughter who is 16.It is getting so draining on us and feel selfishly our lives are also on hold . We tell dad to go to drs and tell them shes getting worse but he wont. My dad is 82 and mum is 80 next. My dad is difficult to talk to because he just says "oh my fault is it,tell me off you try living with it" My mum is really bad at times but my wife always calms her just by being patient and caring.Something my dad doesnt do . My dad always been in charge always his way very regimental. My dad takes everything my mum says to heart,we keep telling him mum is ill. He just wont listen and is doing this his way and basically getting everyones backs up in way hes handling things. So basically dont know how to handle situation really.My dad is harder to look after than mum. Apologise for rambling on sorry.

Hi this is the right place- hopefully some experts will pop in- but sounds like contacting the gp might be useful to flag your concerns.and a call to social services for advice. Good luck- but you cannot put your lives on hold.

It's very difficult as your dad won't acknowledge that help is needed. It might be worth you contacting your mum's GP and explaining how worried you are about her deterioration, but that your dad refuses to bring her to the surgery.

Also ask at the surgery if they can put you in touch with Adult Services at your local authority - there might be some day centres or other groups she could attend to get her out of the house and give your dad a break, which might help him. However, as LAs are having to cut funding to the bone this might not be an option, but worth an ask.

Is your dad claiming attendance allowance/carer's allowance?

Hard as it, you must not feel guilted into taking on more than you can cope with. There are plenty of options available for your dad but he is refusing to even consider any options, as he is obviously wanting and expecting you are and your family to fill the gap.

You will need to be very clear to him just how much you are prepared to go, and keep repeating that there is help available and if he refuses to accept help then you CANNOT fill the gap.