Parents retired together an hate each other:-(

[Gohackyourself]

I’m not sure whether it’s advice or a rant I need!

My father retired 3 years ago an my step mother last month. They are both young for retirement really.
For 27 years they have been together, they worked shift work in same very demanding operational front line job. Very demanding.but have been ships in night through married life
They had my sister too later in life she’s only mid 20s and very different, rich upbringing to my brother an I.

But the upshot is... they shouldn’t be together... they shouldn’t have stayed together.. but my dad got left by my mother An is terrified of being on own, splitting assets.... so just walks around constantly moaning about his wife, now she has retired.
Their two very different ppl, she’s quite lazy and doesn’t leave home, my dad likes to potter.

In all of this though, they are making us siblings miserable. Their miserable to be around, constantly moaning an snipping at each other in company.
Tonight we had family game night, they arrived late, both in foul mood barely speaking, don’t engage properly with any of us. It’s awful.

How do I/we cope with this as siblings, as individuals? It’s draining.
Anyone had similar ?

Are you all still living at home? How many of you are there?

No not at all!! I left home at 18 - I’m now 43!!
We re a close family , but being close tends to come with own issues as everyone always chatting etc
My dad is permanently letting off steam about her to my brother an I- we listen, try to advise and he does nothing about it.
My brother seems to be able to switch off to it but I struggle.
I guess being the oldest I’ve listened to him moaning about my mum An he splitting up, now 27 years my step mum an him- I’m sick of him moaning.
They have a comfortable bank balance, a good home, but just seem to bloody hate each other An it’s driving me mad.... just be happy... there’s no hope for the rest of us if you have all that you wanted to achieve at retirement but your bloody miserable :-(

Stop taking in on board Gohack!
Tell you Df that you don't want to hear any more moaning as it's getting you down and any advice you give him is ignored.
And stop inviting them to "family times" if they're making the rest of you miserable. If they ask why, just tell them that the constant carping at each other spoils it for everyone.
If it's advise that you want, then that is what I would do.

Just s ayyou're tired and bored with all the moaning and petty gripes, if they don't like each other maybe they should separate.

Anyone got this type of situation or just me?

Could they live separately? Or could they find a way to mimic their life when they were ships in the night?

I had this in reverse. My DM hated my step-father and I became her marriage counsellor from the age of 11 which continued for 30 years until he died. It's destroyed our relationship, TBH.

It's easy to say your parents happiness is not your problem but he is making it your problem. It's a hard one. If you say anything to him, you run the risk of alienating it. I'm going to watch with interest to see what everyone else says.

and 🍫

I suspect this is quite common. I don’t think you can really give them marriage advice but maybe keep a little more distance

My ex inlaws were like this.
Constant bitching and one upmanship. He wanted a divorce...she didn't. So they were miserable for years till one of them died.
We saw them once a year.

I think I'd put him on the spot, if it were me. Next time he moans about his wife I'd say 'So what are you going to do about it? You moan about her all the time and you clearly have little in common, so come on - tell me what you're going to do about it. Because I really don't think I can listen to the same story every week until one of you drops dead. Life is short, if she's so impossible then one of you is going to have to have the balls to end it'. And see what he says.

Juneau- been there , said that.
I lost the plot with him back in April after 2 days of half hourly phone calls of him in frantic state because she had gone awol.
When he came to conclusion ( as we had been telling him) that he needed to put up an shut up, he did for a while, but it’s started again!! It literally is 3/4 monthly it blows up. They have a holiday of some kind every 5-6 months An are fine on holiday. My step mother is fixated by travel an the next holiday etc but dad is a stay home, potter type.
But I advised him if he’s staying together than create own life An meet in evening but he can’t seem to - he’s very dependant on her when she’s not on him An he doesn’t like it.
Dentistwimp- I feel exactly the same, I’ve been my dads life An marriage counsellor since my mum left him when I was 7.
Then when I was 11/12 he met my stepmom but they have never been happy really, all the family agree .
I’m getting to my wits end because it won’t end nicely when it blows up.
I’ve actually said to my brother , I’ll be glad when he goes because it will free us up, liberation from an overbearing father.then I feel bad because I know that I’ll be terribly sad An it sounds so cruel a statement

In that case I'd say 'Dad, we keep going over and over the same old ground and I can't keep listening to the same old story over and over again. Either you do something to change your life for the better or you need to stop moaning, because I'm sick of hearing about it'. And I would cut back on the time you spend with him. I couldn't listen to the moaning every single week. His marital woes are his to deal with, not yours. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to marry this unsuitable woman, so it's up to him. TBH, he sounds spineless and co-dependent.

Ah! Gohack I got a different "feel* from your last post!
Have you ever spoken to you Stepmum about any of this?
Because reading between the lines of what you've just written, I get the feeling that your Dd could be a big part of the problem.
He wants to potter and basically wait to die, she wants holidays and to be out and about and to put it plainly "to live".
She's probably thoroughly sick of him and the reason she took off is because she couldn't stand it any more.
I feel sorry for her now!

Honkywonkwoman- most definitely , I feel sorry for her too. She is quite lazy /slovenly by nature ( which is polar opposite to dad) quite laid back An is happy to sit on bum watching tv all day until holidays what she loves.shes happy in own company - but I think my dads made her that way with his controlling behaviour, if she goes out ( once/twice a year) he wants to know who with, when , where how An always looking for holes in her story so I think she doesn’t bother any more.
He shot her down last night over a question to a board game answer, coz she answered cocky An he was pissed off at her before walking in to my brothers house, it caused a real silence an I actually wanted to leave because I just don’t find it acceptable anymore, yet I would then be shouted down as the bad guy?!?
I know her feelings on him as when he out room she moans about him- they’ve turned into a throughly horrible couple to be around!
My brother permanently says don’t let it get to you but I think that’s because he’s got enough issues in own life.
Just for background , I’ve been cheated on twice, had to bring up kids etc etc far more in a sense than my dads ever had to cope with in his life, an I dunno if that makes me see what a coward he really is by not sorting his life out.
It just seems to fall on deaf ears my talking to him an asking to sort out, or he turns it an sulks/tantrums throwing it back in face about “ how I have listened to your troubles “ - part of me thinks yes, you have, but your the parent an you want to know everything and control us so it’s your job. You at 67 yrs old should still not be having relationship trouble -
God just writing this upsets me, it’s like there’s no way out is there

You don’t have to put up with it.

Why not say to him that you don’t like his constant moaning and snapping and that if that happens on another occasion you will be leaving.

Then do it.

He doesn’t have a gun at your head: you don’t have to suffer it.

In all of this though, they are making us siblings miserable. Their miserable to be around, constantly moaning an snipping at each other in company

My parents were like this, they split eventually. I just didn't take it all on board, I have a life relationship DCs I don't have time to put others' life load on my back.

I had a word with them both re if they couldn't be civil to each other in our presence then they weren't welcome at my home, to drag everyone else around into a gloomy atmosphere. So I mostly visited them but if they started the sniping then I'd wander off home

They still moan about each other even tho they're separated but honestly, not my circus not my monkeys. .

So your Dd controls Dsm by questioning her any time she's wanted to go out and now she's sort of given up on it. Perhaps she's slovenly and sits in front of the tv because she's feeling "down" about her life.

Then you say that he controls you and wants to know everything about your life.
I think the finger is pointing squarely at the person who is the problem.
Not sure what you can do about it though!
You can't force either of them to behave differently and I don't think that you can stop him moaning or their bad behaviour when in your company.
So.......
All you can do is change your reaction to their behaviour. Just let any moaning drift through your brain and out again, while making Mmmmmm!
sounds!
Keep contact with them as little as you possibly can.

Socialise with them separately. Get DB to socialise a bit more with DF- make them go out together. You socialise a bit more with DSM. Get them used to going out separately. He'll learn to back off when she has plans and be less dependent on and controlling of her.

If they get on ok on holiday, then they can get on at home as long as they change the habit of how they relate to each other.

Picklemepopcorn- I think it’s def how they relate to each other in the home.
Dad thinks women should be good cleaners an cooks , she is definitely not that, but nor was she when they met!!!
But it’s always bothered him hugely- yet he never complained when she was able to decorate an fix a car!! Whilst he was washing up

Gohack, no advice but , my parents lived like that for years. Mum continues to whinge 15 years after my Dad died, ruined just about every Christmas as I felt that I had to invite them both. Take my advice and let them know that you have had enough already while they are relatively young enough to sort themselves out

I thought about everyone’s advice.

What I did do since posting this message is cut him off for the week- and when I did text I didn’t do the normal question “ how are you?”- I asked what he had been up to instead, slightly showing I wasn’t interested in hearing his moans an rants , An it worked , he replied with what he had been doing.

He also asked what we were all doing this weekend, we ( my brother, his gf, my dp and I ) that we were all busy with various things , nobody giving him the chance to organise something .

I decided I was going to talk to him this week An really lie it on line to him about how he’s affecting my mental health, but as with a truly narcissistic father, he’d go into attack/victim mode.would he also change his behaviour ?........ no he wouldn’t is the answer.
So I’ve decided to wait it out, cut down the opputinities for it to happen in my presence and when it does happen, I’m going to make my stand then, whether it means walking out of the room, stating it at time an going home , whatever form it takes, because I know everyone else knows I’ve had enough so couldn’t really be offended.

He’s a good man, the trouble is he’s growing into a huge man child as he’s getting older, he’s always been a narcissistic parent , but truly getting worse the older an more unhappy he is in his relationship .But in my mind , no matter how old you are, if you have the money an health to split with someone you truly detest, you would ( I’ve been through divorce) it’s never easy but you do it. If he can’t do it now, then he must enjoy being there

Sounds like a plan! Well done. Train him up!

Tell him to stop telling you Miami game, as he starts just say - stop there I don’t want to know as enough is enough. Get your brother to do the same