How to keep my patience and be kind

[robynadair]

How do you all do it! Tips and advice greatly appreciated. My mum is in her early 80s and was widowed several years ago. She had various long term conditions which are well managed but will and are deteriorating as she ages. She has a good social network, rarely has a day where she sees no one, I phone daily and take her out for the day once a week. This will involve me collecting her and dropping her back home, planning the day, lunch etc. She also stays over at ours for a couple of days a month. I take her to her various hospital appts. I love my mum and am more than happy to do all this. However in the last few months she has become increasingly querulous, won't make decisions but isn't always happy with what we suggest, difficult to please, repetitive and every little thing is a drama. I don't think she's getting dementia as she's find re time and place etc. However I'm beginning to lose my patience and would be grateful for any tips. For example, she was with us all day Mon, Tues, I spoke to her twice on Weds and last night. There was a minor minor issue with her gas bill (actually her fault as she transposed two figures on the reading) which we easily rectified for her. The company suggested a different tariff as part of the call. Lots of discussion from her between mon and Weds, decided to take it on weds. Changed her mind on Thursday, the difference in the tariff is small so it doesn't really matter. Just phoned me about this again, I'm in a queue in the bank, long queue so listen, gently say I don't think it really matters what tariff she's on, that I'm in a queue and will call back later. I get a very snappy response of 'oh well if you don't want to talk to me' and she hangs up. This is happening all the time at present. I know her health is deteriorating and she's worried etc and maybe not the best example but there's at least one episode of this most days now.

I feel for you - been there. This sort of thing happens. Just remember it won't last forever and be kind (which you are by sound of it) - but firm.

Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it and do have mum-free days.

@Rebecca36
Thank youI think Mum free days are impt so will try to have one a week. It's good just to know that others are dealing with this as well. Just about to phone her now I'm back at hone. Hopefully she'll have calmed down by now!

Feel for you. Dm moved here in her early 80s and has become increasingly dependent..... now mid 90s.
Advice is...... protect yourself with Mum free time. Treats and time for you is vital otherwise your relationship will deteriorate- she will become more needy, that is a given, so plan now how to manage this.
Introducing support- cleaner/ gardener etc is good as this overcomes the stranger resistance earlier on. Also, would she like you to take on bill paying etc? Also, do you have power of attourney in place for when it is needed? It is inevitable that your dm will become more demanding so think about what works for you- are the overnights too draining? This is a marathon, so put things in place now to protect you. You have a right to a life. Loads of wisdom on the main board, and recognition of the challenges elderlies present.

@thesandwich thank you very helpful advice. As you say, it's a marathon and I've just started.

I had brilliant advice from a friend who has been through this and also works with elderlies. you are her daughter, not her carer. Facilitate, support but careful what you take on. And do your research ready for when you need to put more support in.

I too find difficulty in keeping patience. I am very short tempered.

Yep get that too. "Can you sort this out for me?". No problem Dad.
It can be something minor that needs to be done for a months time. Next day - so did you sort it out yet?

Then again he used to have his gas bill, be down the post office paying in cash literally 30 mins after it landed on the mat "just in case they cut me off".

Paulfoel yes! I think this must date from the days where you got a bill and the amount was due in cash instantly. My dad will receive a car bill invoice in the post, immediately write a cheque and then drive it to the garage to deliver it personally.

Watched my mum deal with her dad who was like this, she’d sometimes cry a lot because of how he spoke to her and he rest of the family. Do you have any other siblings that can help?
My grandad started getting horrible when the dementia started kicking in, although he still knew who was who and what was what he was just sometimes bitterly nasty.
Just be prepared that this is the start so like another person said, YOU TIME is a must, you need space sometimes and a good network to support you.