Parents and ILs falling apart just as DH and I are starting a family

[PirateWeasel]

We always knew this was a risk, as by an ironic twist of fate both DH's and my parents were in their 40s/50s when we were born, so are now 70s/80s and all of them rapidly declining in health. DH is an only child and I have one brother. Up to now the three of us have managed to cover all the parents stuff between us (ferrying them to appointments, helping out round the house after ops etc.) but with a baby on the way DH and I won't be able to do anything like as much as we have been. My brother is amazing about it and says not to worry, he'll do whatever needs doing for our parents for as long as necessary (he's a lot older than me and his kids have already flown the nest). But DH has no-one else to share the burden with. I'm so anxious about the future. It's hard enough to see our friends getting support from their parents with their newborns and knowing we won't be getting any, but harder still knowing that there is going to be pressure on us to BE the support right at the time when we're most in need of it ourselves! Has anyone else ever been in the same boat? How did you manage??

No - but I'm feeling the same a bit now and I have youngish kids. Selfish though it sounds, I think you need to put your child first. Do they have a reasonable amount of money? If so, then many of these things can be sorted by them for themselves. They need to go to an appointment? They can book a taxi. They need a carer/cleaner? They can get a paid one. A lot of those practical things can be dealt with that way.

I think you might be over thinking this. The rest of the world doesn't stop when you have a baby. Yes, it may take you a few weeks to recover and you may be sleep deprived for months years but they are pretty portable for the first few months and even once mobile can usually be contained & distracted. Yes, it will be trickier but it won't be impossible.
Your parents and PIL will also have to do what people do when they either don't have children or their children aren't on hand to help them - taxis, carers, favours from friends & neighbours. Again, trickier but do-able.
What sort of house do they live in? If you haven't had the discussion already, is it time to have the downsizing/sheltered accommodation conversation?

I'm so sorry. It must really be putting a damper on your happiness in starting a family.

I think you're going to have to be realistic. With a young family, you CAN'T do everything for either set of parents. You will burn yourself out trying, and neither set of parents will get the level of care that they need.

It is time for them to seriously consider their options. It will be emotionally less disruptive for them to move into a retirement village which has facilities for different levels of care now, while they are mentally cognizant. So they move into an apartment which is fairly autonomous to start with, and then can move over to rooms which provide higher care when needed. This gives them the ability to form friendships in the village while they are still active, and they can join in on the trips, activities, meals etc.

They have the luxury of time now, that they (and you) won't in the future to do their research, visit places etc.

Thank you so much for all your replies! It's doing me good just typing my feelings out. My parents are very reasonable - i.e. they don't expect anything as a right and are very grateful for our help when we can give it, and they wouldn't be against paying for cleaners, taxis etc. if it came to the crunch. DH's on the other hand are in total denial about everything and would expect to come first even after the baby is here.

I suppose with my parents I'm more anxious about the emotional toll - worrying about them while trying to handle a newborn, and spending precious energy trying to encourage my mum who is also a big worrier, and potentially ending up with PND as a result of being spread so thin. But with DH's parents there's a very real risk it will turn nasty, with them guilt-tripping him, him disappearing for days on end to sort them out, leading to resentment between us etc, etc... Hmm yes @donkeys you could be right, I'm probably projecting too many anxieties against things that may never become as bad as I imagine. I guess I'm trying to get my head around how best to cope in the worst case scenario while I still have enough operating brain cells to make a plan! It sounds selfish, but it really sucks that we have to be thinking about this right now, when we should be focusing on the baby!

On the main elderlies thread there is lots of good advice about getting things in place to help ie power of attourney, getting info re support services/ adaptations for home such as grab rails etc and also getting them to accept cleaner etc early on to set a precedent for paid carers later. And gather local info of support available- ie age uk.