When the hospital phone to say he's gone. What then?

[Chocolategirl79]

We are waiting for FIL to pass away. His treatment has been withdrawn and so now we are just waiting for the inevitable. Although we are spending a lot of time in the hospital with him, we can't be there 24 hrs a day. So we are trying to prepare ourselves for probably not being with him at the end.

So when they phone. What happens next? Do we rush over there? If so what do we do?

Sorry if this is too blunt but you have all been so hugely helpful throughout his deterioration over the last 10 months.

When Mum died in hospital we (Dsis and i) were asked if other family members wished to see Mum. We said no. , for whatever reason. I hope you get the same chance.

For what it's worth, we went back into her room five or so minutes after she died (they wanted to remove the equipment and, I suspect, to clean her up) and her body was no longer my Mum, so I'm glad my nephew and niece didn't come to see her. It was no longer my Mum.

I'm sorry you are facing this

I have lost 4 elderly relatives in 2 years. In each case we got a call to say that they did not have long. In all but one case we were told on arrival that they had just died.

I suspect that they don’t want to give you the news over the phone and also give you the opportunity to spend some time with the dead person before they take them to the morgue. In one case we did not go to the hospital.as I had sat for serveral weeks with the person and said my goodbyes. Hope this helps

That was not very clear. I suspect the person had already died when the phone call was made.

When we got the news my grandad had died, early one morning we travelled straight to the hospital which was close by and saw him about 20 minutes after he had passed. They told us that he had died over the phone which in hindsight was a blessing as it meant we could scream and sob for a few moments before composing ourselves for the hospital.
When we got there they had cleaned him and removed the equipment from the room and I spent a lot of time holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. The nurses let us have as long with him as we needed before taking his body away. We had the option of calling additional family members too at this point. They also asked us if we wanted a lock of his hair, or fingerprints to be taken which I wasn't expecting as that hadn't been offered when my Nan passed but both things were done gently and respectfully. It might be worth thinking of this as a option, My son wears a tag with his great grandads fingerprint on now and it is means a lot to him to have that.
I certainly didn't think I would have wanted that time at the hospital with him but I did, it helped massively to see his body at peace but his spirit gone.

I am so sorry you are facing this.

My Mum died a couple of days ago and although she wasn’t in hospital the process is very much the same. I received a phone call from her nurse saying Mum had passed away a couple of minutes ago. The nurse asked if I wanted to come and see Mum and name of the funeral director we would use. I stayed with Mum for an hour and a half before they came and took her away. It was a beautiful and very peaceful time. I kissed her goodbye and told her we loved her very much. I presume it will be the same in hospital as in they will contact you and give you the opportunity to stay with your FIL before taking him away.

Thanks everyone for your lovely and very helpful replies.
It's a weird one as I just don't know how DH or I will feel but when we aren't at the hospital we are a bit on tenterhooks.
It's been a long hard deterioration and at this stage I think I will feel relief that it's over and he's not in pain any more. I don't think that I will want to see him after (and certainly not taking the kids) but DH might and I would go to support him more than for me.

It's good to know what to expect (for me it really helps me cope).

I was worried to see Mum after she died as I had been told she may look different but as soon as I walked in the room, she was my Mum and looked exactly the same. Very peaceful and looking like she does when she was asleep. I truly expected a snore from her. My DH came with me for support and I cannot thank him enough for being with me.
Mum’s passing was a long road and it was a relief when she went. We all managed to say goodbye to her the night before she died.
Sorry I seem to have taken over your thread. Sorry

Thanks bedofwool, it's good to talk about these things. Until you face it, you don't know what you don't know. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you had some time of peace with your mum.

Thank you Chocolategirl79. I am sorry that your DH and you are having to face this as well.