What to do about parents in a terrible situation? (crosspost)

[lucysnowe]

Hi, I originally posted in WWYD and got some good advice, including a suggestion I post here with the experts in this kind of thing!

This is a bit long and complicated, so I'll try and keep it short. Basically mum - bad arthritis, takes no medication, has been housebound for years. Dad - 15 years older, getting exponentially more decrepit and emotionally unstable, forgetting things, etc. Their relationship is terrible - they barely talk to one another, he shouts at her, she moans at him, it's horrible for both of them. They moan to me, I suggest things and offer to help etc, they ignore me, it goes on and on.

Recently mum has been unable to use stairlift to go upstairs so is in bed downstairs. There is a toilet downstairs but no shower/bath. She wees into a jug (!) and pretty much is stuck in bed all day. She says she is looking into getting a carer in (but not to tell Dad). Dad says he is also looking into carers, but for some reason has had no luck (oh and 'don't tell your mother'). Mum needs lots of help getting food, tidying up etc. Dad thinks that she should get help for her arthritis and does everything under duress. I'm not sure if she's getting enough food from him? Meantime the house is getting dirtier and dirtier. I haven't visited for a while (very bad I know) because they put me off, and because it is v. tricky at the moment with the kids (ASD daughter very unsettled right now) but I'm planning to go soon.

Meantime, what can I do? I phoned social services but they need either mum or dad to arrange a referral. I wondered if I could report my mum as a vulnerable person? The thing is, I don't want to dob my dad in. He IS abusive to her but that's because he's 87 and -well - losing it a bit. mumsnet WWYD? Any advice appreciated.

Don't know if this helps but I've had to call social services for a home care assessment as my mum has dementia and Alzheimer's and mobility issues she is Unable to get up / down stairs/ cannot get into bath. No facilities down stairs. It was fine that I made a referral. If they both want some help- but don't want to tell each other can you not encourage either of them or both of them to call social services. Perhaps when you visit next be with them when they make the call.

I would find out from the social services exactly what they need and can accept - e.g. a letter, but what wording? What identity documents? Or a phone call where they actually speak to one of your parents? Then prepare the letter and take it to them to sign, or make the call and hand the phone to them for them to confirm they want the referral (and then take it back again...)

In the meantime I would call Adult Safeguarding and report that your mother is at risk due to carer breakdown. This is the truth.

I would also start the Lasting Power of Attorney process for both health+welfare and for finances, for both of them. It's not taking over but it means you can do sstuff for them if they want you to. At least print off the forms and go with as much pre-filled as you can.

Basically attack on all fronts.

I managed to get a social services referral for my Mom by letting them know my concerns following an incident (early stages of dementia). Mom's GP told me to raise concerns with SS to get an assessment. They did do the assessment but they couldn't support Mom but did give me enough information to sort out carers myself. Can your Mum's GP help with the referral?

If they're not claiming already, they should be entitled to attendance allowance to help towards care for your Mum.

hi guys, thanks again for your responses, super helpful. Well I rang social services, who said that the referral would have to come from mum and/or dad, so I emailed dad the phone number and asked him to ring it (knowing that mum can't access the internet right now). But then I think he must have told her, and shouted at her again, because she rang me and told me to stop asking dad to do stuff - that she has got it all under control! The thing is... I don't know if she's lying or just really putting it off, but she ISN'T arranging stuff. They haven't had a cleaner since before Xmas. She hasn't properly washed herself for ages. SHE can't properly cook/clean etc, and neither can dad - but she says she doesn't need a carer, and when I suggested I help her look for one she got v. angry again and refused.

The thing is... when I try and help via Dad I think he shouts at her to get things moving, so she's afraid, and i don't want to make things worse. But she refuses my help too and nothing is happening!

Anyway I also rang adult services and their GP. GP were helpful, although they can't give me any medical info, and said that they would get in touch and maybe get care people involved. So I think GP can refer directly? I'm also going to visit, (probably) do a giant clean, and try and phone adult services while I'm there, and try and get Dad to talk to them. Aargh, such a flipping ordeal.

You need to contact social services again and say that it's a safeguarding issue in terms of self-neglect and that you wish it to be documented as such. Explain that you have concerns about personal care, risk of falls, appropriate medication, controlling behaviour from your father to mother. Advise that your father would never self-report self-neglect and you do wonder about his mental capacity to judge risk. Your mum is legally entitled to an assessment of care and support needs even if she doesn't take up a care package following this (Care Act 2014).

Contact their GP. Again, express safeguarding concerns re self-neglect and ask that this be recorded. Request he/she contact social services to ask an assessment be done. The duty to safeguard is also in the Care Act.

And I'd advise against doing a giant clean until after social services have been out

I'd second do not do any cleaning. Adult Social Services need to see the reality of their lives.

Have you got Power of Attorney for them? If not you need to start this process as a matter of urgency.

Thankyou both. I got a call from someone called a care navigator at the GPs who is happy to go visit but perhaps with me too? the issue of mum and dad's mental health is key I think. There is no diagnosis of anything but it's clear that something is going on with mum mentally.

minmooch i don't think I can do power of attorney without their permission?

AntiBi thanks, the key word is self-neglect I guess?

It is worth going along if you can. You can learn a lot from professionals, especially if you can get them to talk informally.

But more importantly you are there to correct falsehoods designed to fob any "authorities" off. Six years ago, when I really needed official confirmation that my mother could no longer cope, she happily made up all sorts of stuff at the memory clinic.. Grandchildren's names....no problem, except she just made them up on the spot!

She could present very well despite having no memory and living in a tip. I actually went out of my way before the appointment to upset her, knowing that if she were discombobulated she would not be able to keep up the act. Even so she only failed the memory test by one point.

If they are in denial, you wont be able to do much unless authorites decide they are vulnerable, so it is in your inerest to present them at their worst, and explain the problems to whoever is assessing/reviewing. At this point you might be able to suggest that the absense of a POA might mean SS take over. (Fibs are good). In reality SS might support you in starting a Court of Protection process, which can then take up to a year.

Six years on my mother is happier and cleaner and, despite further memory loss, in better health. The transition period where I needed to take control, but she was fighting for her "independence" like a wounded anomal, was awful, just awful. Good luck.

Yes, self-neglect and that it's becoming a safeguarding issue