Poisonous FIL but OH feels so sad about it all

[doesthisnamelookgoodonme]

My partner has never had the best relationship with his Dad (74) he has constantly put him down about a number of things (weight/life choices) and we can go and visit and he will come away in tears. Bit of background, FIL is disabled, has a work accident 30yrs ago and has numerous health conditions meaning he isn't able to look after himself. He had a partner of 38yrs who suddenly became ill in March and died in April. She cared for him so that he was able to stay at home. Before she passed, we rallied round, caring for him, making his meals, doing his errands, and we spoke about getting a care package in place if he wanted to remain at home. Every time I attempted to make the call to adult social care he would tell me he wasn't up to it, basically he just wanted us to run round after him. 3 weeks ago I went to his house as pre arranged to make this call. I found that he had taken a massive insulin overdose in order to end his life. I called my partner and an ambulance, he refused treatment for a long time but then allowed it. He's been in hospital ever since.

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel. The reason we didn't go is because I am pregnant and we had a scan so couldn't go. We would be at the hospital at 9pm and he will make demands for certain things he wants picking up, we go home and go to bed, OH gets up at 5am goes to work and goes straight to the hospital after work and FIL will go mad because he hasn't brought what he's asked for.

Wednesday last week, OH had a stomach bug and wasn't able to go to hospital so I went on my own. When I got there he told me the staff were all lying to him. He had been moved onto a general medical ward for older people and he was going absolutely mad shouting that he didn't belong with the rest of the geriatric idiots. I tried explaining that it was just. General medical ward for older people but he wasn't having any of it. I said give me 2mins and went and spoke to the staff. The nurse told me that earlier that day he had tried escaping the ward (he isn't allowed to leave) he attacked a member of staff and had to be restrained, and he was found to have a Swiss Army knife and a screw driver in his possession. I returned to his bed and very delicately explained what the nurse had said and he shouted and screamed at me that I was a liar and he didn't trust me and that I needed to leave before he got very angry with me.

I called my partner as the situation needed him, he told my partner to fuck off and lifted his walking stick at him and told him he was going to do him some damage. We left and spoke to a nurse and then heard a commotion. FIL was being restrained by 8 members of staff and was shouting and screaming at them some horrific stuff. They had to sedate him and he now has a security guard with him 24hrs a day.

We haven't been up since. I personally don't want to and my partner won't let me, I'm stressed enough as it is and nearly 7 months pregnant. But he is torn as all he's ever wanted is a dad, but he is also thinking of cutting all ties. His minister has been to see him and he ha told him that all we want is his money, I have access to all his accounts and if I wanted his money I could easily take it. He offered to buy me a new car 10 tomes and I refused, and he offered us £9000 to get married before baby arrives and we said no. But he keeps repeating these vile lies to people.

I don't know where to turn, I'm happy to walk away but my partner is so sad about the way he's treating him :(

FIL is upset, resentful about his health situation, and possibly it is also affecting his MH. Try not to take all this too personally, neither you nor DP have done anything wrong, but maybe it's time now for you both to take a step back. Take a break and make sure you look after yourselves as well.

@Singlenotsingle

The thing is, suicide aside, his mental health is fine. We understand why he wants to end his life because of his health issues, but the vile behaviour has been for the whole of OH's 42yrs on this earth. He has told people he resents our baby because he is going to take our time away from him.

He is a horrible manipulative man. Raging at the inevitable vulnerability of old age.
He has lost his partner and wants to exploit and dominate you in the way he probably treated her.
At least the staff are under no illusions and are unlikely to suggest he comes to live with you!

@mayhew this is honestly the way I see it all, we are being exploited. I actually have 2 father in law's, my partners step father lives with us. Partner and step after lived together before we got together and it seemed natural to get a big house and live together. But FIL has mentioned numerous times wanting to live with us and we have said categorically no.

He said last week "well when I'm home I'll need you even more" I said how can you have us more than what you have now? Our home life is suffering. Our 10yr old has been passed from pillar to post so we can visit him and run round after him. We don't have time to cook because we are running round after him so our health is deteriorating as we are eating convenience food. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and still suffering from extreme sickness, we have a 10yr old, partner works full time and I have a business to run but none of that matters to him :(

I just wish I could make my partner feel better about it all. We've agreed that the only way forward here is to speak to FIL and say whilst he thinks we don't care, we are the only ones who do, no one else bothers, and if he carries on treating us the way he is then he will go into residential care and have no one. I'm sick of treading carefully in case we upset him when he doesn't care who he upsets x

He sounds very difficult, I wouldn't be surprised if he was referred to the mental health team about his behaviour and you may find that they don't feel he is safe to be at home .it must be very upsetting for you and your dh, you must look after yourself and try not to let him dominate your lives if you can. I would ask to speak to his doctor and a social worker and explain that you just cannot carry on like this, he must either go I to care or have carers at his own home.

@HeGotManFlu the hospital have said that he won't be released home until care is in place, but that they won't arrange care until he's been in the mental health unit as they don't know when he will be going home. I hope that they will deem him unsafe in his home and put him into residential care x

Honestly? I’d go NC.

Some people are just nasty. Even old people. Even people with MH issues. He’s a nasty man and your dh should have cut ties years ago for his own well-being.

@JuicySwan this is what we are heading for but OH will feel guilty forever. I've said though that whilst we let this carry on, OH is still going to be made to feel like shit so if we walk away, he will still feel guilty but won't have FIL there making him feel worse

OH suffers from depression and anxiety and it's affecting him :(

I know you say he's nasty but is it dementia? Some forms can make people violent and they genuinely believe the constructs they have made. To him these may not be 'lies'. I know that dosnt help you and how u feel, but could explain the random violent outbursts.
I think talk to his doctors, it's unlikely he will be allowed to go home tbh.
Could you set contact days eg every second day or something? Or your partner visit Monday we'd and Saturday and you visit one day? That would give him structure and you both a break.

I agree with JuicySwan, is also be going NC.

Get your husband a copy of the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. It will help him cut through the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and see a way to cutting this miserable man out of your life. Yes it's sad, but considering the way he treats people it's pretty inevitable.

I'm absolutely furious, his minister has been to see him and he said to his minister "they've got my bank cards and everything"

We have one card which he gave us because he kept asking us to order/buy things and that is it. So we are meeting the minister at the hospital on Wednesday and getting him to witness us handing belongings/cards/keys to his house over and we are walking away. I hope OH is strong enough to do it

He really is horrible. You can't improve him and it's unlikely reasoning will get you anywhere. He wants to control you but his grip is slipping.
It's your partner that needs the input. A counsellor to help him assert himself in this impossible situation.

BIL has been to see him tonight (he doesn't have anything to do with him really) and apparently FIL wants to see OH. Not sure how I feel about this, we will be back in the same situation in a few weeks time

I would seriously check it isn't dementia or some other mental health condition before cutting contact. I've had relatives whose personality changed overnight and they behaved similarly. It's not excusing his behaviour but he genuinely may not be able to help it if he's unwell.
I hope it works out for you as it's a very difficult situation.

Hospital are satisfied it's not dementia or anything like that. He's displayed these sorts of behaviour throughout his life. He kicked off in the hospital because he was throwing his toys out of the pram as he wants to leave and isn't able to. This behaviour has been my partners whole lifetime

Ahhh okay. I'm sorry then OP.
Hope you and partner sort it. It's a shame that's he's a bitter man but your partner shouldn't put up with that behaviour.

Get a bit of paper and write down a list of life's priorities eg ... each other, your 10 year old, your eagerly anticipated baby, maintaining your business so you can pay your bills and have a roof over your head.

Tough as it might sound, it's your time and your partner's time to make a life without him at the centre. At 74 your father in law needs to sort himself out with the social work team in his area. Put you and the health of your immediate family first

He has had us running around after him, and I don't mean just normal errands, if we don't go to the hospital every day he will tell us how awful it made him feel.

Your partner is suffering from FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Read up about it and try joining the Stately Homes threads for lots of support.

Your FIL can only have you running around after him if you agree. If he says how awful it makes him feel that you can't do more, then that's his right. But it doesn't mean that you have to dance to his tune and do everything he says.

Ask your DP to sit down and think what support he can realistically offer his Dad. An hour a week twice a week to visit? Even that sounds generous based on how his DF is treating him. If your FIL wants something collecting, then it can be delivered at the next visit. You cannot live your lives at his beck and call. As you say, you have a 10 year old, and whilst it's OK to be flexible and more responsive when there is a crisis this is now normality. You need to get firm boundaries in place which protect your mental health and your family.

Do make sure that the hospital and any social workers are aware that your fil cannot come and live with you. He may tell them he can, and they will support him, if released in doing that, unless you tell them, very simply that that is not possible. You already house your stepFIL and will have 2 children by then. You do not have to give more reasons. Simply make sure that they know that your home is not your FiLs home. They will then take that into account when considering his ongoing needs.

Best of luck. Nothing prepares you for something like this, but MN has loads of good advice and experience, so keep on posting.

Thank you I really appreciate all the advice. You are definitely right. Yesterday we found out that one of my work contracts is ending and it's a drop of £700 a month nearly. I'm concentrating all my time and efforts on getting more contracts in asap as we can't manage financially now. We've needed to do this for months but our lives have been consumed by doing for others.

Tension in our house is high, OH is so stressed out and whilst he's so lovely, the tension is making me feel awful and I just keep crying.

Not helped today in that I have tickets to see a certain girl band next month, told my friend about it in January and offered her a ticket to come along, today she texted and said something has come up. I'm feeling very alone and that all we do is things for others but nobody ever puts themselves out for me.

Boundaries definitely need to be set with FIL. I said to OH I almost hope that when he goes to see him tomorrow that he's horrible to OH because then OH won't feel guilty for walking away but going forwards it's going to be maybe 2 visits a week and all care arrangements can be made by adult social care and the hospital. We don't want anything to do with it.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, I just feel so alone right now

Good luck for tomorrow OP - stay strong. I wouldn’t commit to 2 visits a week after you’ve walked away; I suggest you start with one or two visits a month to start with - much easier to add visits if your FIL gets the message than to take them away if he doesn’t.

It's rough right now but good things are around your corner. You just need space in your head to think of the lovely bits coming in the future. As others have said just go for the absolute minimum with FIL. Try to rest.

Good luck tomorrow OP. It sounds like FIL resents step-FIL living with you and not him.

Thanks everyone, I'll update you on how tomorrow goes, I'm not going, OH is going with the minister x

We went to see FIL last night.

He has said to numerous people “they have got my bank cards and car” his car he asked me to drive so that it keeps it running and it’s safe with us and he gave us his post office card to draw his pension for the things he was asking us to buy for him. We spoke to his Minister who he’s close to and he made the suggestion that we put everything in an envelope, take it to the hospital and seal it in front of him and FIL and we will all sign it to say we’ve handed it all over as we decided we didn’t want to be in a position where we could be accused of anything.

So we went to the hospital, FIL acted as if last week didn’t ever happen. Demanded shopping picking up for him, handed me a letter and told me I’d need to cancel his appointment, and handed us a water bill and told us we would need to get it paid. We were pleasant and civil. OH handed FIL the envelope and explained that his cards/keys were in there and we very nicely explained that we just didn’t want to leave ourselves in that sort of position. FIL immediately got angry and had to e told to calm down by the Minister. The Minister then said I’m sorry I had no idea this was going to happen (it was his suggestion) but we decided not to say that in front of FIL because it would have caused chaos. FIL said he felt hurt and abandoned, we said we certainly aren’t abandoning you, but things have changed and we just don’t want to be put in a position where we can be made to feel the way we have. Minister tried convincing us to keep hold of FIL cards and money and carry on drawing money for him but we said we had made our decision and that was final and that it didn’t mean we wouldn’t be going to the hospital but it meant we wouldn’t be going every day as we had been. He was very rude to OH and we nearly left twice. He denied he mentioned the cards and car, we told him he had mentioned them on 4 separate occasions, he said he doesn’t remember so we are wrong. The only time he mentioned what happened last week was when he said well this is just sour grapes because of what happened last week.

We’ve come away yet again feeling shit. We feel like we were thrown under the bus by the Minister. I want to walk away but I know it’s not that easy for OH.

No wonder you're feeling upset, what a horrible thing to experience. The minister certainly doesn't seem to be the honest, thoughtful type that you need in this situation.

Well it's done now, well done on seeing it through. And whatever anyone else says or thinks, you know the truth.