Not prepared

[goose1964]

My in-laws are in their mid 80s and over the last few months it has become clear to us that my mils memory has been deteriorating. Now it's got to the stage that even my fil has noticed.

My dad is a lot younger but we've already had the discussion on what would happen if he became unable to manage by himself (he's a widower)

I've been pushing both DH and ILs to have this discussion for years but they've always put it off. Unfortunately they are of the generation where the woman does all the cooking so fil is unable to take over.

I know we need to make a decision soon .DD has experience of caring for people with Alzheimer's but she says she has none of the other symptoms, Gran had vascular dementia and this is presenting the same way (including the falls).

What do we need to consider when we make the decision with my in-laws?

Maybe the first thing would be to see if your mil will see her g,p for a memory test, a capacity assessment and general health check. What decisions do you feel you need to make. If she has dementia it is worth getting a formal diagnosis and the gp may well refer her to the memory cinic. It could be worth discussing power of attorney with your dh while both his parents are able to make decisions around their finances and health. If your mil poor memory is making it unsafe to be at home then I would suggest you ask for a social services care assessment, it might be that they would benefit from a home safety check, like removing a gas cooker, installing hand rails, putting up reminder stickers around the house. How do they manage day to day at the moment with things like shopping, cooking, housework, personal care, paying bills.

I think fil is going to take her to the doctors. Fil pays all the bills. DH has financial power of attorney but not medical. ATM Fil is still mentally strong but has always been dependent on mil for cooking, doing the washing etc Fil can put the hoover round though.

I was wondering if we need to move in with them or get them to move in with us. She's not bad enough to need to move into a home but it's getting to the stage that it would be dangerous to leave her on her own.

NHS Choices website offer a lot of helpful advice about the practicalities of caring for elderly relatives, would you like them to move In with you or do you want to move In with them, it does give peace of mind but it has to suit everyone and be what everyone wants. Would she still be on her own at times, if she is not safe there are alarms you can get, social services will be able to help.

1. Get POA for medical as well as financial - while she still has capacity to grant you this. If you wait until she needs it you may well be too late (there is an alternative route, but it's far more expensive, slow and difficult as it involves a legal court).
2. Ask Social Services to carry out an assessment in her home, to see if she needs help, or if there are aids they can supply (possibly free of charge) to make life easier for them. Grab rails, adjustable stools for the kitchen etc.
3. Her GP may refer her to a psychiatrist if she seems to have memory issues. My MIL was seen by a psychiatrist several times, over several months (maybe even a year) before he was confident that she had dementia.
4. The only "win" with a Dementia diagnosis is that the sufferer is exempt from paying council tax.