Supporting relative who is usually independent?

[goldenlilliesdaffodillies]

My MIL is a very independent, clever, generally healthy lady, who has never needed help. She is used to being in charge. Unfortunately a couple of weeks ago she injured herself (don't know how) and now cannot walk or do anything for herself at all.

She is in agony and was offered a hospital bed but turned it down without her pain management being sorted out. MIL is refusing to go to hospital under any circumstances and "would rather die". Her home is totally unsuitable so she can't stay there at the moment. Ours is unsuitable and we have young children. Her retired children aren't able to help so it is falling on DH and myself.

After much research and visiting various places, I have found a good nursing home 5 minutes from our house. I was asked to do this by her family but feel so incredibly guilty. If she dislikes it, it will be my fault. She isn't my Mum and I feel so responsible. She is hating being cared for by nursing staff having been so independent and won't mix with anyone else in the nursing home. I have tried to make her room homely and we are visiting her everyday. What else can we do?

Is she in the nursing home now and do they know why she is in agony and can no longer walk.

Golden there is very little you can do... apart from try and explore if going home is possible via social services assessment/ care package/ ot help. It is really hard but the nursing home will be used to it, so you have done all you can.
Is her health likely to improve? Could you arrange physio to get her moving? Give her something to work towards. Dm went into a home to get over a fractured leg “ until she was better” which she hated but it worked. And don’t wear yourselves out- you will need some energy in reserve.

I think it's important to find out why she cannot walk any more, she may have broken something which could be operated on then perhaps she could get home again. Could her own Home be made suitable, have a bed downstairs, commode, carers coming in. I would ask the nursing home to ask for a social services care assessment, in the UK she is entitled to this, how is she paying for her care. Do you know if she has had a capacity assessment to see if she can make her own decisions and has anyone got power of attorney for her health and finances. In the short term all you can do is keep on visiting, bring her favourite things in, encourage her to join in any activities, it might be a good idea for the doctor to check her over.

Thanks for your replies.

X-ray showed crumbling bones due to old age which should start to settle in 8 weeks. Pain relief much better (on morphine) but she is completely out of it. It is utterly heart-breaking. She doesn't want visitors and not up to joining in any of the activities in the nursing home.

Home can eventually be adapted, but not suitable at the moment. She doesn't want stair lifts or any obvious aids. However if she is up to going home in the future we will have to convince her. Thanks for all the advice. I will look into this.

If she was in good health before and gets good food and care she may well improve considerably. Morphine is good for pain relief but does have side effects. She may well rally. Look after yourself too.

Thank you for your replies. Thesandwich- you are quite right- exactly that has happened! After a roller coaster few weeks she has made an amazing recovery and been declared medically fit. She is planning on going home. She wants to rush ahead and not wait for a social services assessment of her home. Her sons want to start adapting her home without proper advice. I am not sure this is wise, but not really up to me.
I do worry that once she goes back home, she will be very vulnerable. DH and I have been popping into the care home every day but won't be able to do this once she moves back home an hour away.

That’s great news, but brings new worries. Do try and get an ot to assess her home- there are so many things that can help keep her safely at home.
Keysafe, emergency alarm etc..... hope it all goes well.

Will she accept help (see suggestions from thesandwich) if it means less worry for your DH / you / her other children? Even if she "doesn't need it" for herself?

Try to get the others to pause and not go rushing in spending money. It's surprising what can be provided, sometimes free of charge (depends on local arrangements) - but she has to be assessed first of course.

My MIL is now back home which has presented new challenges. DH spent a huge amount of time setting up carers and support for her so people are regularly checking on her as we can't go there every day as it is too far. After 2 visits she has declined all the help (except a cleaner every week) and won't have them back.

She has lost an enormous amount of weight and looks skeletal. However she has convinced her sons she is fine (and they believe her). She clearly isn't fine but with a family of my own and working, there is only so much I can do.

Despite being in a huge amount of pain and unable to walk without aids, she is driving again. It isn't just round the corner but round windy, narrow country lanes. Her car failed its MOT so instead of her sons using this as an excuse not to drive, they got it fixed!

I just feel so cross as we have tried to do everything possible to help, but she doesn't want help (unless it is us going there). One of her sons (who doesn't help at all), even phoned my up last night to tell me to back off, which was quite upsetting.

Oh golden that sounds so tough. If she wont accept the help there is very little you can do.
Keep maintaining your boundaries and look after dh. It is awful but you have done what you can. And wait sadly for the next crisis to happen. Good luck and join us to vent on the main board if it helps!

For some people 'being a burden' and out of control is so bad they will put up with almost anything else. Maybe I will be the same myself [writes impassioned letter to self to be opened on my 80th birthday] You have done what you can and she has made it very clear that she doesn't want support in that way. You have done more than many would - be comforted. Would she enjoy short light chats on the phone?

Thanks for your replies. Yes I can't do any more. The timing is awful as we are supposed to be off on a much needed holiday ourselves. BIL has also decided to go away that week too!I wish she had at least have kept the help lined up until we came back.
She is happy for us to help her and her neighbour and regularly sends me lists of things to do or get. She just doesn't want outside help.

Could you use tha5 as a way in “ we and Xx are away from y to z so i’ve Arranged for w to come and do your shopping etc..... did you say she has a cleaner? Could you ask her to do a bit more while you are away?
But go away- you have done all you could.

Oh god the prohibition on outside help and the refusal to let anyone become known and therefore possibly inside!

golden this sounds hard for you, my worry for you would be that you end up being the go to girl for everything and you end up exhausted if she does fall or injure herself again like Annandale above says re the refusal for outside help.