How to help mum live independently and protect her savings

[GreenDot]

My head is a bit of a jumble and I know this will be a rambling post, am not sure quite what to do ...

Mother is 82 and lives nearly 3 hours away from me and I am an only child. She lives independently in her own flat and is fairly mobile. Drops off asleep at various times of the day and hoards a bit especially old magazines, articles, watches alot of TV etc, but seems mostly comfortable and content. However I can see her slowing down both physically and mentally, especially during my last visit. For example, she is struggling to make appointments to get things fixed in her flat, and so things are just often "left".

I think she needs more help. In terms of time I am able to help her more. But the problem is me living 3 hours away. I am now thinking perhaps I should travel to visit more regularly - say twice a month and stay overnight - instead of once a month as now. I should add I live in a tiny flat and have my own health problems though and am limited to how much I can travel because it really takes it out of me.

The other alternative is for her to move closer to me and rent somewhere reasonably close by - that way I can help her on a more regular basis and keep an eye on things generally. Retirement flats look a possibility but I've read all kinds of bad press. Maybe a normal property/flat would be better. I'm not sure if she would move, but I think she would eventually if she felt unable to cope on her own.

A second issue is about her savings. She has probably £200,000 savings but is a little bit chaotic with money. I went out with her the other day and she had 4 bank/credit cards in her coat pocket WITH ALL THE PIN NUMBERS ATTACHED! This alarmed me for some reason as it seemed also to symbolise that she is not being fully self-responsible IYKWIM and is not like her old self. She was contrite and she said she would change it as she knew this was irresponsible, but I know that she won't - its hard for her to find the energy and effort to change things. I am also worried about scammers of course. I have financial and health Power of Attorney by the way.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I think its the first time its occurred to me that I might need to help her and I'm not sure where to start. We have had a mixed relationship during my life including some bad times, but recently seem to have moved into a much better place. I think the reality has suddenly hit me ... is there anyone I should speak to? Obviously I will speak to her - what she would like to do. I suppose I should go slowly but start preparing?

I think you have recognised in time that your Mum might need a bit more support. Would your Mum be willing to move nearer? I'd perhaps suggest to her it would be better to do that in a planned way so she has more choice and influence rather than in response to a crisis. It would be nice for you to spend more time together and less travelling.

If she is already in a flat why would you look to move her to another flat?

What help does she think she needs?

You could see if she would agree to a referral to social services but based on your description I doubt she would meet the criteria for services at this point.

The cards thing isn't great. Could she be encouraged to only take one card out at a time and change all the PIN numbers to the same one and something very memorable for her?

Sorry missed the bit where the flat move would be to be closer to you and thought you meant just a different flat to where she is now.

Still, your post reads like you feel you need to make the decisions. What does she think/want?

Thanks Beamur for responding. That all sounds reasonable and sensible and hopeful. I think I'm just in a bit of a tizz because its all suddenly hit me. I probably need to calm down and try to slowly plan things with her, as you say.

Yes Hat, we had the conversation about the card thing, a long one, but I know she won't change. I could do it for her but I have so many things to do when I visit as it is I struggle.

I don't feel I need will be making my mum's decisions, however I am just suddenly aware that most of her future options are going to probably mean a lot more involvement and help from me than I had ever considered before - e.g. like her moving to be near to me.

Talk to her, she sounds as if she is mentally quite capable. She may welcome being nearer - she may not. It sounds like she needs someone trustworthy to sort out these tasks around the house - would a local Age Concern maybe be able to recommend someone?
I think suggesting she uses just one card and keeps the rest safely at home would be wise. My Mum got confused about her accounts and poor with money and spent all her savings before I realised what was happening. But, in hindsight, she enjoyed the money! Mostly in the form of nice snacks, wine and sweets!

I think what I was trying to say is that she may well have very clear ideas about what she intends to happen and until you ask her there is no point getting too worked up about it.

If she is pretty independent still at 82 then she may still be fairly independent at 90. It isn't a given that she will suddenly need huge levels of support, but at the same time you are right that it would be sensible to have those kind of conversations as early as possible.

When she gave you POA did it not come up then?

Yes Beamur the home help route might be a good start, thank you for your AgeConcern recommendation.

I think we will have a long talk about it over the Summer at some point, just to put out a few feelers about some possible future plans perhaps. I am sure she has contemplated it, but has said very little, maybe a few light comments I had never seen the significance of at the time. Also my mother has always made her decisions very slowly in life, and I'm rather the opposite .

I think you need to have a discussion with her about the support she feels she needs/wants/may need in the future. One thing I would recommend is getting power of attorney sorted out for finance and health and welfare so that if the time comes you will be able to deal with your mothers affairs on her behalf.

It sounds like she is vulnerable and open to abuse with the card and PIN number issue and this needs to be sorted out quickly. You may need to support her with this if you feel she may not do it herself.

There is lots of advice and support you can access on age concern, the local council website, local charities and health organisations.

No, there were no conversations around the time we did the POA about a year ago. I think both our view was that anything can happen at that age suddenly, so it was best to be prepared that was all.

If you are able to visit more often that would be helpful. I visit mine once a fortnight but I am fortunate to have a brother who does the weekends I don't go, so she sees one of us every weekend.

I did discuss with her about moving into a sheltered flat near me but she thought that she'd probably have to move into a care home eventually and didn't want to move twice so will stick it out at home for as long as she is able.

She has a cleaner once a week, gardener once a week through the summer, volunteer from the doctor's surgery who delivers her prescription, hairdresser and chiropodist visit her at home approx monthly, Tesco delivery once a week, Wiltshire Farm Foods microwave meal delivery also weekly and a library volunteer brings books approx fortnightly and stays for a chat and cup of tea, milkman three times a week, so she is getting plenty of visitors who can alert me if there's a problem. She also has an emergency button on a wristband in case she falls.

Could you take over all the making appointments to get things fixed? This is something that you could do from home with minimal physical effort.

She has the PIN numbers attached to the cards because she can't remember them. This is normal. My mum has written hers disguised as a phone number on a piece of paper she keeps in her purse. However, using Tesco online, supplemented by me taking her out for a top up shop and cash point visit when I'm with her, has stopped her needing to shop by herself. My brother set up the Tesco online for her and will do it over Skype or phone with her if she gets stuck.

The switch in relationship to when a child starts to care for their parents is so hard.

OP, a couple of questions from me to try to think what might work. You’ve talked about your mum but not so much yourself or anyone else. Do you have a partner or dc who either need your support or can support you if you need to do more for your Mum? What commitments or responsibilities do you have that might influence the amount if time you have to spend with your Mum, and do you have any siblings or extended family with whom to share the load?

Your comment about the travelling etc and your own health concerns are red flags for me. Please think hard about your own needs and what you can do whilst protecting yourself. Don’t overcommit your time.
Brilliant ideas on here on getting help in... can you see that as your role to facilitate and arrange rather than do?
Has your dm got attendance allowance? It might be of use if she needs help and is not means tested- but seek advice from age uk etc before submitting.

If you set up the financial POA so as not to require lack of competency, would she accept you managing her savings accounts while leaving her a small account which she could spend as she wished without any fear of losing all her savings?

Look at the support she needs, buy in what you can, and only take on the things that can't be bought in. It will only get worse, so don't over-commit. You're no use to your mother if you've worn yourself out, or if you come to resent her.

thanks for your posts, sorry haven't been back.

Sandwich yes I have to be careful and travelling re. my own health; thank you for being understanding. I can facilitate to an extent, but some things I really have to be closer to her e.g. DM was struggling today with her new cooker, I have to be there really to help her, I am her only child and no partner, there's no-one else. But its given me some thoughts about possible help that might be possible to arrange in the future.

Mere never heard of POA not to require lack of competency. Might be worth bearing in mind at some point, though I'm not sure she would agree to that. Your last paragraph Look at the support she needs, buy in what you can, and only take on the things that can't be bought in. It will only get worse, so don't over-commit really helped clarify things. For the next couple of months life very hectic for me, but hopefully after that I can go and visit and help her a bit more, and then keep an eye on things after that.

Seeing how she goes generally, we might have a conversation in the future, as I said earlier in thread, but it will have to be a rather delicate / gentle one I think as of course its a sensitive issue and there are still many unknowns (for both of us).

Thanks again.

I think when your parent can't do things they've always managed - or understand things in the way they used to - its tricky on the phone and you feel a bit frustrated/rattled/helpless to do anything. But DM is also comfortable in many ways, so hope this continues.