how to help DM 'testing' retirement home

[IamAporcupine]

My mother is 86, lives alone (abroad), still works a few hours a week, had a few scares last year (fractures and a TEP) but is overall in relatively good health for her age. Of course, she is getting more frail and tired but that is affecting her more emotionally than physically.

Last year she found out about some retirement flats, she went to visit them and really liked them so she put her name down for the waiting list. We all thought it would be a very good option for her as she could still live independently but would be more looked after (they have nurses 24hs etc).

Now that a flat has become available and she has been called to have a 'test run' for a couple of weeks she is having second thoughts. I can tell she is very anxious and even scared about it. I have death anxiety myself so I think I can understand how she must feel.

If you have been in a similar situation with your parents - what did you do to help them? Maybe I am overthinking this and a more pragmatical approach is needed?

I'd be emphasising the temporary nature of the arrangement - if she doesn't like it, she can always leave again - like a holiday with extension options if she wants them

Thanks @AvocadosBeforeMortgages

Sorry I realise I was not clear and left some important info out!

Yes, this is a test run, but it is very likely she will have to move relatively soon. Her landlord has said they need her current flat within a year. She is aware it would not make sense to move to another flat on her own where she has no support, etc.

If this didn't work out, what's the Plan B?

How often do places become available? My Grandmother moved into and then out of retirement homes on at least 4 different occasions until she decided she was ready to settle down in one. Her favourite home was more than happy for her to leave once she'd realised she'd taken the leap too soon and put her back on the waiting list so she could come back at a later date. When she reached the top of the list again she still wasn't ready so simply requested to go back to the bottom of the list again.

Is there another similarly suitable facility she could move to if she tries this one and finds it's not the right fit for her? The prospect of having to move into supported living because it "makes sense" can be really quite horrid. But having the choice to leave and go elsewhere, even if not back to your previous home or to fully independent living, can sometimes help relieve that.

Is there anyone that can go with her and help her settle in? Spend a week in the area while she settles? Help put her at ease? It would be a shame if she put herself off something that could be really good for her.

I think being relentlessly upbeat is the way to go, and emphasise that she is under control of the whole thing and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to stay. But the point is that this isn't moving into a home, its moving somewhere that will keep her out of a home/hospital, and allow her to be a lady of leisure with all mod cons around her.
Are you able to visit her a lot while she has the test run to support her? Don't forget to take lots of photos, nice bedding, cushions etc for her flat so it looks like hers from the start. Maybe send some flowers as well, so that it is all totally lovely

thank you very much for the comments

@AvocadosBeforeMortgages we haven't thought of plan B...

@LtheWife We do not know how often the places become available, but that is a good point. I am sure if she knew that she could wait a bit longer she would feel better.

@honeyroar my brother lives in the same city so I am hoping he'll help her settle in, but I would not put money on it.

@CMOTDibbler You are right in that she needs to feel in control

Unfortunately I will not be able to travel when she first moves in, but depending on how long she will stay I should be able to go and visit her there.

I keep telling her she needs to take things with her so that she feels at home, but she says it is not necessary. As honeyroar said, I am worried she will put herself off.
Flowers is a great idea, I will do that!

Another thought - could you ring the wardens and tell them your worries that she's very nervous and unsettled - I bet they see that all the time, if they could be extra welcoming and sensitive it might sway her the right way..

thanks @honeyroar, yes I too wondered if that would be possible. I would need to get the number/details from her.

I could also take the opportunity to ask how often places become available, and how long the test run is for, etc etc, I do not think she is asking enough questions

I talked to her last night - she says she wants to stay from Wed to Mon.
I would have thought she'd stay for a week at least??

It's still six days, it's a good period of time... I'd do your very best to google the place and try and chat to them.

Have you told her that you worry about her sometimes and would feel so much happier if she had someone nearby to check on her if she fell or something?

Brief update for those who gave advice.

She moved in yesterday and will stay for 5 days. She said she felt somehow more vulnerable (not sure how that works...!) but was happy to give it a try.
She felt better today. My nephew was visiting her and I asked him to bring some flowers from me. Oh, and she is playing dominos tonight!

Fingers crossed for you. I remember the holding my breath period while my mil settled into her home.

Thanks Honeyroar
Seems to be going well so far!