Advice needed - family rift brewing!

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Okay. My PIL are in their mid eighties. MIL has dementia- not that advanced but she is at the stage where she can't be left alone for longer than about an hour. Since she was diagnosed a few years ago FIL has been her carer.

Last week FIL fell ill and is currently in hospital. It was very serious but luckily he is recovering, but will be in hospital for at least a week more.

They have three children- my DH and his two older sisters. When he was taken into hospital the sister who lives closest (let's call her Jane) took MIL in. She has a spare room and her children are grown up. She works FT though but is having a week's compassionate leave. We can't have MIL to stay as we have three children still at home and no spare room, and we both work. Since this happened we have been juggling sitting with MIL and visiting FIL in hospital between me and DH and Jane. The other sister (Clare) has just got back from holiday a few days ago. She and her DH are retired and have spare room, kids moved out.

Jane is feeling the pressure of having MIL staying, and asked Clare if she could have her to stay for a few days. Clare refused. She has now also declined to visit FIL tomorrow to take him clothes etc, so DH is taking the day off work.

She clearly doesn't want to get involved- as is her right of course- but where does that leave the two siblings who ARE trying to step up? Clare doesn't want to see her mum go into a home, but neither does she want to help look after her. She seems content to leave that to the other two.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking really. Ugh. It's such a difficult situation. Dementia is horrible. Any sage advice welcome.

The siblings all need to meet up and have an honest conversation - how does the sister who does not work expect the other two to fit in looking after MIL around full time jobs?
I can understand she too doesn't want to shoulder the responsibility alone, but it's also unfair of her to totally opt out.
And fwiw, I think that what anyone thinks that the partners of the siblings should or should not do should be kept out of the conversation - that's another whole argument waiting to blow up.

Thankyou mine I agree- I'm keeping my opinions well out of it!

I fear that a meeting between the three of them would descend into a row straight away as Jane is already feeling very angry with Clare. But I have suggested that DH speak to Clare about it all and explain that it's too much for Jane having MIL to stay and see what she suggests. But they're all under strain and he can't face having the conversation.

It seems Clare is clear about what she doesn't want for her parents but isn't trying to find a solution. I agree with PP that the three siblings have to meet and find a way forward.
I would just present the options, employ carers, find a a care home or family ALL chip in. Keep it factual and try to keep emotions out of it. Just tell her that current position is unsustainable so together the three siblings must find a solution.
I suspect she wants your DH and his sister to make all the difficult decisions. So ALL three must come to an agreement.

Yes, I agree, thanks.

I would also suggest Jane does not confront Clare at the meeting, it would play into Clares hands. She could easily storm off leaving DH and Jane to have to make difficult decisions on their own. Clare could then play the martyr saying she was kept out of the decision making and didn't agree with the outcome.
As difficult as it will be Jane must grit her teeth and the three must jointly agree a plan

Dont underestimate people's ability to go into denial. If there is not a problem, help is not needed, and unwelcome solutions like a home are unnecessary. Trouble is that trying to change attitudes and behaviors wont work and will use up lots of emotional energy that you dont have right now.

Dont meet the second sister. Instead talk to the first sister about how to get through the crisis (short term respite care in a nice home?) and longer term options. Do you have POA, sheltered housing, etc.

Once you have decided on a way forward, speak to the other sister about what she is willing to do. Accept whatever contribution is proferred. Beyond that dont push. Some people just dont rise to the challenge. Presumably karma gets them in the end.

And if there is rainy day money, use it. If it is going to be a long haul, buy in whatever support that reduces the burden, particularly on the first sister.

Good advice- thankyou all