Advice on how to cope with my elderly terminally ill mum please?

[ilovewelshrarebit123]

I'm sorry if this is long, but I'm feeling a bit fragile and need to vent!

My mum has a terminal lung condition. She is 75 and has various other health conditions as well. She has deteriorated rapidly over the last 8 months and is now housebound (unless I take her out), on permanent oxygen and barely gets about the house. Life expectancy for this condition is 2 years, so things are pretty grim.

She lives with my dad who is emotionally and verbally abusive to her. He provides the minimum care, ie cooks one hot meal a day for her and takes her to hospital appointments. Everything else she has to do herself or I have to do it for her. My dad doesn't speak to me and hasn't for over 8 months, this isn't going to change as he refuses to repair our relationship. He also doesn't communicate with mum and she lives a dogs life with him.

Mum hates living with him but won't and can't leave him as she can't live on her own. She also can't live with me as I have a rented house (she needs a bungalow), I can't rent a bungalow as I can't afford it, and as awful as this sounds, when she's gone, I'll be left with a house I can't afford. She will not get carers or any form of help in (even though she can easily afford it), and gets angry when this is suggested.

I'm a single mum who works 30 hours a week. I do as much as I can for her, but this is never enough. I have a brother who lives the same distance from their home as me yet he rarely goes to see her. He offers no help at all, when he does afford her a 30 minute visit he sits and drinks coffee playing on his phone. She makes excuses for him all the time mostly that he and his wife work full time, he has his own life to lead, his kids are doing activities, men don't do housework, I'm her daughter so it's my duty to do as she asks. She won't ask him to take her out anywhere, and on the rare occasion he says he will, his wife ends up doing it instead.

My daughter does an activity she loves several times a week and I do a lot of running around for her. I still see my mum three times a week and do lots of jobs etc for her on a Saturday. I also do all her ironing, change beds, clean etc.

Still this isn't enough and she is vile to me. Tonight I've walked out of the house in tears as I just can't believe some of the things she says to me, I'm in my late 40's and she makes me feel like shit.

She said I don't care, I don't do enough, I'm just like my father (this hurts as he is utterly vile to her), I have a chip on my shoulder, I need to lose weight, I'm letting myself go etc etc. The one thing that really got to me was about DD, she wants me to stop her doing her activity so I can take her out on Saturdays. I said no way, it's her life and my brothers kids get to do their activities so why should she stop.

I'm eaten away with resentment, I go to the house feeling hostile, I feel on edge because of my dad and I never know what my mum is going to be like with me. I understand she's angry that this illness is going to beat her, but she takes it all out on me.

I know you might suggest speaking to my brother to get him to do more, but this won't happen. He is hot headed and it will end up in an argument and my parents will take his side, as I'm always the bad guy.

I feel my health is suffering to, I'm snappy with my sweet little girl. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm anxious and I feel very tearful and fed up a lot of the time. I'm also comfort eating so overweight which just fuels the fire for more digs off my mum.

So I need advice of how to handle this situation and my truly dysfunctional family. Is it my duty to be there for her and do stuff for her, as she looked after me as a child and has helped me a lot since I got divorced. Every time we have words I go home and then either end up in tears or feeling guilty for days, as she really does have a miserable life.

I'm seriously considering not going there on Saturday and just leaving her to it. If I do go it's like she's never said horrible things, then something will trigger her and off she goes again. But is it cruel to not go?

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Sorry no advice as such but sending you hugs ...difficult situation ....good luck

It sounds very difficult and stressful for everyone, would her GP visit her for a chat, it might help if she had an outsider to speak to, someone like the Macmillan nurses. You don't have to visit, especially if this is affecting your own health and relationships and neither does your brother. You don't have a duty to look after her, I think you should also speak to your own GP about the stress this is causing you.

I would go tomorrow but fly in and out and do the absolute minimum.
Go with the knowledge that you will definitely NOT go the following Saturday. This gives you head space to plan a proper and exclusive day relaxing next Saturday for you and and your daughter.
From now on cut back the time you go there by 50% but offer no reason or excuses. Make yourself scarcer and do the minimum. Wormery is right.

What a situation you're in. It would be difficult enough with only one of those things going on.

It will sound very harsh but I think you need to put your daughter first. She only has you and needs you to be happy and well.

To do this I think you need to scale back your face-to-face involvement with your Mum. Could you organise online shopping for her, a meal delivery service or carers? What about adult social care?

If she won't accept this help then you will have done all you can. You shouldn't face abuse from her/your Dad regardless of any health situation they may have.

As others have said, you should chat this through with your GP who will have ideas on how both you and your Mum could be helped and supported.

I wish I could make you a cuppa and give you a hug.