At a loss what to do?

[HC4U]

At a complete loss to know what to do with my parents. Dad early dementia - aged 70 looks 50 and has very good days and then bad days and nights. Mum 12 years younger and has just announced she cannot care for him and doesn't want to care for him and wants to put him in a nursing home. I am completely shocked and despite understanding she is tired of the around the clock care/being on alert I don't know how to help? She refuses completely to get care into the home and taking all the emotion out of it and sadness as a family I am at a real loss where to turn or what to do. I have spoken to my Dad who agrees she needs help and he will do what she wants. I have offered to take my Dad three days a week and pay for round the clock care, although he doesn't need that yet. But nothing is right for her bar the idea of a nursing home. Do you interfere or just accept it as is? Really am at a loss. Please know I live four hours away and I have had my husband parents live with me for the past two years and both have Alzhemiers and we care for them with support of outside care. I visit my own Mum every weekend and even try an odd middle of the week visit. I am so confused why she would go straight from o to 100 without the care in home as stepping stone or accept any help. Why put him out of his home without exploring other avenues. Thanks

Sounds terrible OP.

Firstly do they have lots of money because it's not as simple as just going into a care home if you're not self funding.

If they don't have the money to fund this themselves then social services have to do a care needs assessment to see what his needs are. It doesn't sound as though they'll decide he needs that level of care at this stage and therefore wouldn't fund it anyway, though they may fund some care coming to the home.

If they have the money does your mum realise the true cost of a home? The money would go down really quickly and then if it ran out and social services don't think he's bad enough to be in the home they may not fund it and then what would happen?

If they own a home together there could be implications there.

Whereabouts do they live? Look up the local carers organisation for support and request a carers assessment for your mum. That might get her some support. Also request a care needs assessment for your dad.

Hi I am back again with this. Over the past few months my Mum has placed my Dad in respite nursing home care for a week at a time over a period of 4 months. Last week he was there I visited him and he looked so sad and alone in his room. Fully aware of where he was and fully knew who I was etc. He has mild dementia really and he does need some care definitely in terms of daily needs. But he is no way ready for full time care. As mentioned I do have experience with elderly parents and in need of full time round the clock care. My Mum is refusing point blank to get more care into the house and is continuously telling me he needs to go into a home. Of course the whole thing is emotive. My Dad gave us money a while back and my Mum is insisting that we use that money to pay for nursing home care. Without hesitation I would pay for care for my Dad. But I just know its not the right time for him now to go into a home without exhausting other care helps. But how do you by past a mother who wont accept her grown up kids opinions, help, etc.

Its a mess.

Has your dad had a care assessment? He must qualify for respite care or else he wouldn't be going.

Maybe your mum is exhausted looking after him. Has he been violent? Could you speak to your mum's GOP and ask them to talk to your mum about her reasons behuind wnting nyour dad to move into a home?

And how does she plan to fund it?

How much money did your dad give you? Can you give it back to fund his care?

Thanks. My Mum has lots of issues and unfortunately my Dad is a product of some of them. Lots of history. But no my Dad has never been violent and I do think there is no doubt my Mum is finding it hard. Plus being 12 years younger her freedom is gone per se. She is not being honest either with us and I find that hard. Plus she has family myself included who have given her lots of help and options not to mention the money is there for full time care. So its a difficult one. I think though the GP is the next step. Thank you!

If your dad has capacity he can choose not to go into respite. Are social services involved?

Surely your dad can say no, he doesn't want to go into a care home? She can't make him. She could leave and live somewhere else if she doesn't want to be with him (just like any other couple) then he will be entitled to visits from carers.

Thanks all. Its a very emotive situation but there is a practical side to this and you are right with regards to whether my Dad can make decisions or not. I feel he still can, she doesn't. I have made an appointment to visit their GP. So thanks that may help.

That’s true - you can’t make anyone do anything until you have a diagnosis of some kind of dementia. Why is your dad agreeing to respite care?

I think truthfully he felt he had no choice. My Mum is very negative around him and when he started to lose his memory it was very much exagarated by her saying oh your always forgetting things, you cannot remember anything. She wouldn't think twice of embrassing him in front of people telling us that he did this that and the other................. I hate to say it but she really hasn't either the patience for someone ill or empathy for him. Really sad to see but not living beside them its difficult to be there everyday.Its got to the stage now where she won't ring us but we have to be always ringing her. I just find the whole thing so sad and I want to help. I honestly feel I just have to have courage to by pass her and help my Dad enjoy the last few years of his life. Hope that makes sense without dramatics. Thank you!

I am trying to help my mum at the moment with ill health and I would advise the first thing to do is get a letter from your dad authorising you to talk to his GP and access his medical records. Without this the GP might listen to you but will not be able to discuss your dads care with you. It really has made my life so much easier being able to go online to check consultant letters, etc and when speaking to her GP over the phone.

Thank you for your message Lallybroch. I met with GP last week and as I suspected he couldn't say how my Dad was etc but in a round about way he did say that if we could get more care into the house it would be better than a home just yet. I just feel like I am a young kid as far as my Mum is concerned and that in a way feel bullied by her. Her way or no way. I just feel I should have confidence to really stand up to her in an adult way without emotion and see what is the plan. Thank you again!

Hi all I just wanted to let you know that I took courage ( awful to say that at +40 years of age ) but visited my parents this week and told my Mum that I have offered to help, take my Dad, stay in their home and if she continued not to accept the help I would no longer be giving it. I had taken a day off last week work telling her I would and I would take my Dad for the day to give her a break. I called the night before to sort out time I would be there for her to tell me she had a carer booked already for the day and I wasn't needed. So it may seem hard but I am so frustrated with her lies, her lack of empathy for my Dad or her kids ( some of them, sis is always in the good books!) and although it breaks my heart my Dad seems content with her and although she is moaning away about it and still on about a nursing home, she is still not prepared to let her family help. So taking a break from the conversations with her for a while.

I really wish I could let go and just let be............. Thanks all

Its hard being the daughter trying to help and feeling unappreciated and that all your suggestions fall on deaf ears. I think you are right to step back for a bit and see how that pans out.

I also feel sorry for your mother. 58 is young to have to face all this. Definitely not how she probably saw this time of her life. She really needs help but maybe feels all of her independence slipping away especially when you go home and the door shuts and she's left alone.

No easy answers op. You are doing your best and will probably have to wait until your mother sees that it would be a good idea to accept outside help in the home. You can always remind her that if she tries help in the home and it doesn't work she can still try other options then.

Thank you so much shingstar2 for lovely message. Apologies I noticed that I had 70 down instead of 80 as my Dads age. My Mum your right is still young and I think that too is one of the issues. But she is her own worst enemy. My brothers have no time for her behaviour at all and I feel guilty if I don't try to make effort with her. My sister has a very different relationship with her and in turn then makes me feel like a kid again when I speak to them both. Terrible how we react as a result of others behaviours. Today I do feel a bit stronger having made the decision to step away for a little while. I of course will be there at the drop of a hat if something urgent turns up but this weekend (small steps) I want to concentrate on my own kids and not let my Mum or sister influence my behaviour. My brother keeps telling me lower your expectations and I think he is right. Thank you for listening virtually!! The ironic thing is that her extended family and friends etc have absolutely no idea of the damage that my Mum has done to our family and she really can put on a performance when required.Thats why I just feel I should be there for my Dad. Again thank you and it really does help to get perspective from others who have some experience or interest in this area. Have a good afternoon!

Sorry to raise this again. But I could do with nonemotive thinking around this current situation. It has come to my attention that my Dad is in respite care for week and although I knew it may happen my brothers didn't until I mentioned it in passing to both of them today. I just happened to be talking to them about other stuff. My brothers live a few hours away too but were very annoyed with our Mum for her not telling them as both of them would have made arrangements to visit this week. As it is now they cannot for one reason or another. I was sent a text by my Mum to tell me he was in the home. Why couldn;t she tell them at the same time? Also to put a real twist to it, my brothers were actually visiting them this weekend and she never mentioned it. Despite both of them offering to take time off and take my Dad and to give her a break. Its not the actual going into the home that bothers them, its her lack of telling them.

1. I feel she is playing me to see if I tell them as she knows I am very close to them and they not so to her , but they are still good people and would do anything to help her and my Dad.
2. She is not being fair and kind with all her kids
3. I honestly feel for my brothers who are hurt
4. TOO sensitive family.
5. Do I actually question her and ask why or mind my own business.
6. I do think she is unwell and this just adds to it.

Thank you