Bereavement and respite care

[maddywest]

Sorry this is probably a bit rambly and muddled.

My Dad died suddenly nearly a week ago. He was carer for our Mum. Mum has arthritis and bad mobility and balance problems, falls and is scared of falling so doesn't go out on her own. She has long-term depression and anxiety (largely caused by the above plus a fractious to say the least relationship with Dad). She also gets confused and muddled, although not showing signs of dementia and is at other times pretty sharp. Needs help with bathing, picking up full saucepans etc.

Dad obviously looked out for her and helped more than we ever realised, and I think more than she realises. She sleeps badly and wakes with anxiety (about falling in the night amongst other things) and is very anxious and muddled in the mornings until she is up and about (which takes ages, and if she is having an 'off day' doesn't happen at all) and has had lots of reassurance and chat. Obviously this is even worse at the moment because Dad has just died, but she has been this way for months now. She has had lots of input from various NHS agencies, has aids, grab rails, rollators etc. Also seen lots of different people over the years about the falling, no particular reason ever found, it keeps happening.

Mum perks up throughout the day, at least when other people are around, and 'presents' well to authority figures

My brother and I both live 2.5 hours away, in different directions. We have been here all week of course since Dad died, and will overlap each other for the next week, but will soon have to go back to work properly. Funeral will be 'early March'.

A lovely social worker came round yesterday to have a chat and assess Mum's needs. The focus was on helping Mum to live in her own home, but a period of respite in a care home was also discussed, and in fact Mum had already suggested this herself even before Dad died, she wanted a break from looking after herself and him (although as I say, he was looking after her to a great extent).

Has anyone got experience of respite care so soon after bereavement? Should we try and get her a place immediately after the funeral, - I really don't think she would be ok on her own in the house at all at the moment. Of course I have a voice in my head saying 'you can't just put your Mum in a home so soon after Dad has died', but I work full time and my house isn't safe for her at the moment. Eventually I would like her to move close to me so I can see lots of her and take her out, but it's way too early for her to think about that.

What am I asking? Any experiences with respite and bereavement I suppose. Also - if she goes into a carehome for a few (how many?) weeks now, will she ever actually be able to come back and live independently? She/we could pay for a couple of years care, or a bit more probably.

Thank you, it's all so hard, and such early days

Sorry to hear about your dad. No experience of respite after bereavement but if your dm is ok with it it may give her chance to recharge if you sell it like that-=“ until she is feeling better”.
My dm had 3 week respite after breaking her ankle which worked well although she didnt enjoy it it gave her and me chance to get her mobile and carers in place. Please drop the guilt. It is early days- see how she gets on. She might like it. It will give you space too. 🌺🌺 good luck.

I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your dad. To be absolutely honest, if your mum is willing to try a stay in respite, then I'd grab the opportunity with both hands, esp if SS are on board too. She might find she likes it (my dad was/is absolutely against mum going into care, but on a respite stay she loved it and would have happily stayed) which would make her much safer.

Yes, give yourselves both a break but be mindful that she may become dependent if the home does everything for her, it's important not to lose the independent living skills she does have. But it can give time to get things set up for her at home. If there is a reablement service they can help people with independent living skills, some come to your house, some are residential for about 6 weeks so could loom at this post respite,also assistive technology - alarms/gadgets/reminders etc

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, this must be a really difficult time for you.
If your mum is wanting to go into respite there is no harm, please be aware there may well be a charge for this though. It may give her some confidence back, or it may well highlight some issues that were being covered whilst your dad was supporting her.

Did the social worker suggest respite care? Will they contribute?

Thanks for your replies. We found out yesterday that the funeral won't be until mid-March. I hadn't really thought about respite until after the funeral, but might have to now. I think I will phone a couple of places up today and see what the score is and how flexible they can be, if at all. I really dont want to disrupt her life any more than possible before the funeral, she is very muddled at the moment, understandably, and if me and my brother can be here it will give her more time to see if her thoughts becme clearer. The doctor gave her some Diazepan to help with the anxiety and get some sleep, and I think that has made her even vaguer (but she did just say she got some sleep last night which would be a godsend, she's exhausted poor thing)

ooof. And yes, we will have to pay, there is some money for that although not indefinitely.

thanks again

It's a tricky one this as it sounds like your mum and you would benefit from her having a period of short term care/respite for her but I think you are realistic about the fact that it's likely she will lose her independence quite quickly and it would then be difficult for her to live in her own home/sheltered accommodation again.

I'm actually quite surprised that the Social Worker suggested residential respite care for that reason. Based on how you have described your mum's needs she wouldn't meet the criteria for residential respite in my local authority. Although obviously there would be nothing to stop you funding it privately (I.e. with no social services involvement at all) which perhaps is what is being suggested? As you have identified though, this is likely to be counterproductive in the long term if the plan isn't for her to be in care other than for a short stay.

It might be worth asking the social worker instead if there is any possibility of your mum accessing something which is known as reablement (in a persons own home) or residential rehab (in a care home) the purpose of both of these is to try and increase a person's independence after a change in their circumstances. In most cases this is usually after a stay in hospital but there's no reason why your mum wouldn't fit this criteria too if you feel she still has some potential to live independently.