Need a guide through the maze that is Help For Elderly Infirm Parents

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

Add to the mix my siblings and I live nowhere near them .

DM and DDad are both 80. DM has Parkinsons and gets less mobile each time I see her.
DDad is her full time carer (as her spouse) but it's obviously difficult for him too. She finds it difficult to stand and get moving (due to the Parkinsons), stairs are a problem.
They have had assessments in the past for shower , stairlift etc but refused all help (though now DM is much worse)

I am visiting and have FINALLY convinced them to let me phone Social Services dept to get things rolling . One of the questions they asked of course was "Are your parents there/ consenting to this query"

DMum cannot safely get into the over shower bath , cannot get out and most likely not able to stand long.
She also cannot manage stairs well but if we (DDad or myself ) are behind her , she can manage slowly. It's like her legs refuse to move , difficult turning or stepping up stairs.
She had a fall last week and is still quite bruised and in pain which has slowed her. (She has had a god few falls so this is a huge worry in baths etc)
I am clearing out 'stuff' from the house (she is a hoarder ) which is difficult emotionally for her but has made it easier in her room to get about.

So - what happens now?
I'm waiting for SS to get back to me, but I don't know how much DParents will go along with them , DDad is agitated about having the bathroom done because it'll need decorated after (the decor is the least of the problems TBH) .

I think she would rather sleep upstairs , in her room than on the sofa in the back room (which is where she is tonight, the stairs defeated her)

Would they (SS) arrange a shower in place of the bath and a stairlift ?
They are in Scotland , I know that makes a difference WRT funding.

If you got this far - thank you .

Does your mum have a nurse specialist? If so, they might be able to refer to the local falls team - they may be more able to push adaptations than SS. Certainly for my parents its been the integrated care team OT (who are there to try and keep people out of hospital) that dealt with handrails, bed rails, toilet seat raiser, bath lift etc. And got those put in within a week.

But I have to say, this is when you have to have a really, really tough conversation with your parents along the lines of they have to accept help otherwise them staying at home is not going to be able to continue. And right now, they have a choice to move to a flat/bungalow/place with scalable care onsite and ideally nearer one of their dc - but later that choice might not be here.
This conversation is awful, but it has to be done and if they don't do things now, you'll be undoubtedly forced to make decisions in a crisis situation

Thanks CMOT (Terry Pratchett fan ?)
I asked DM if she had a Physio or OT assessment.
She saw her GP after her recent fall.

It is really hard to get any kind of information ( I think memory and the logistics of such rather than secrecy)

She had a fall at my house a couple of years ago, which ended up in an A&E visit. Tonight she said "That was caused by the tablets I was on" ...but she wasn't taking any. She had no tablets (she'd stopped herself) , I ended up getting an emergency prescription for her.

They will not consider moving, I honestly think it would see them off.

I need to gauge what they (SS or other depts) will do and the timeframe. It is hard because it'll all be done long distance (I'm 8+hours, DBro is 5 hours, DSis is abroad) away.

That's what I need to push with them both, keeping them at home not hospital. We need DDad to stay as fit as possible too , for her.

I don't know if ss will arrange for a shower and a stairlift to be put in, I've never heard of it in the UK, everyone I know has had to pay, I know you can get a grant for new bathrooms from the government. The ot supplied us with a perching stool to sit on at the sink, raised legs for an armchair which is easier to get in and out of, a bath seat which is basically a piece of plastic that you sit on across the bath. Could the bed be bought downstairs for her to sleep on, the ot might suggest they get you a hospital type bed which has controls to make the head end go and and down and a pressure mattress as she is at risk of before if she's not moving around much. If there's not a downstairs loo you could ask for a commode, it sounds worse than it is but you can create a sort of bedsit area. Her stiffness is the Parkinson's, the Parkinson's nurse should come and see her, they can make recommendations around help at home, review her medication and her walking. Would they consider having carers coming in, minimum twice a day to help her get up, washed, use the toilet and then back in the evening at bedtime. If they insist they want to both stay at home they really will need care at home.

Yes, a very long term TP fan!

Ask your parents if they'd agree to you getting written permission to talk to their GP directly? A friends parents GP had a standard form for her to fill in and them sign and its made it so much easier for her to get direct information rather than filtered, and she can tell them exactly what is going on.

My mum and dad have a bed downstairs so that when its too hard to get up the stairs they can sleep there (and nap in the day). Might be something to think about, esp if your dp have a downstairs loo.

If they are self funding, then a regular carer is a godsend. My parents carer rings me about stuff, keeps a general eye on them, badgers dad to get his hair cut, checks their clothes, is there for SS/OT visits, liases with the district nurses and so much more.

Would your mum consider going to a day centre a couple of days a week? It would give your dad a break, and she may be able to access a hairdresser/toenail cutting/ falls prevention/ accessible bath and other services there (certainly the one near my parents does this)

Thanks for replies.

The funding for care in Scotland is different, I will get them to look into things , but if they do need to self fund we (siblings and I) need to have close rein because they went into some IMO unneccesary work in their house which we knew nothing about. There are companies who will willingly take advantage of the elderly, so I'd need to know if they had anything done the company was ethical and reliable.

I know FIL had stairlift/shower room,/ hospital style bed and carers 3x daily all provided.

Last night she couldn't climb the stairs at all and slept downstairs ( sofa in back room) there is a loo downstairs too.
Its not ideal, none of us slept really.

Parkinsons is unpredictable day-to-day. It took her maybe 10 minutes to get downstairs with me coaching/nagging call it what you will.

The GP is arranging OT but don't know when.
I will get my DDad to give written consent to the GP from both of them to let me contact.

Carer might be a better option.
Day Centre probably wouldn't be an option for her.

If it is easier to get funded carers to deal with assisting her to bathe, get up, go up to bed etc, then maybe you could find someone who was a sort of home help - do a bit of cooking, bit of shopping, be company for your mum, keep an eye on things. Key thing is that it would be the same person, and you/your sibs could have a relationship with them too. Someone who can tell you that your dad is hoarding food, and your mum has managed to blow the microwave up (to name but a few examples) - or that they will go and be there when one of them is discharged from hospital - is just invaluable, and not something agency carers can do

70 - I really feel for you. It' not easy dealing with all this when you live away.

Do you have attendance allowance in Scotland? When my Mum had rehab after her fall one of the Age UK helpers filled in the paperwork for her and she now gets the payment. She wasn't sure what it was for, and was a bit worried she shouldn't have it but it's not means tested and "helps with extra costs if you have a disability severe enough that you need someone to help look after you". Mum doesn't need daily support so we use it to pay for 2 x 2 hours sessions a week with a fab carer who helps with housework, laundry, visits to Drs etc and we wouldn't be without her now. She is also my eyes and ears as I live away too.

My Mum is also a bit of a hoarder, but although she gets grumpy with me getting rid of things she is finding it easier having less stuff in the house to worry about. This had been a big barrier to her even contemplating moving if that was necessary in the future.

Good Luck!