Yesterday morning the hospital called to say my mother who was in for a chest infection had taken a sudden downturn and had most likely developed a clot on her lungs. As she was weak and frail there was nothing they could do for her and to come in to be with her. They said she would most likely pass away within 24 hours as she could not breathe unassisted and they would not intubate. It was a big shock and myself, my brothers and my dad stayed with her holding her hand and saying our goodbyes. My brother stayed through the night and i got a couple of hours rest having told her everything I wanted to say and being as prepared as could be for the phone call she had passed. The doctors words before I left last night were I think she's coming to the end of her life, I'm very sorry.
This morning I went back to the hospital drained and ready for the end hours as she had made it through the night. I was met by another consultant who said she is very ill, but he does not think it's a clot but a bad infection and she has improved slightly.
This afternoon that became she does not have a clot (and it was never confirmed she did) just a bad infection and she has improved a little more so there is hope. Now of course this is a good thing and i am happy but I feel utterly steamrollered. I feel like I started to grieving process and then it was stopped and now I'm in limbo. She is also a lot less peaceful and more aware than yesterday, she can't talk, she's moaning and crying in pain and not eating or drinking. It's so difficult to see her like that. I just feel numb and weary for the coming days.