Live in care for someone who doesn't want it

[milkmoustache]

My DM has got to a stage where we really need to consider live in care. She has the space, some money, and no nursing needs at the moment. It's going to be really hard persuading her to accept this, she is fiercely independent and quite difficult. I have wondered how easy it would be to get a live in carer who only worked p/t, maybe alongside studying or caring for someone else. F/t would eat up her savings fast, and mum would find it oppressive, but she might accept a few hours each day. Is this something anyone else has experience of?

To me as an adult social worker live in care is something people tend to have when they aren't safe left on their own at all. When families arrange this for their relatives there usually has to be at least two people available to provide care as carers still need holidays, rest breaks etc.

So to that extent part time live in care isn't really a thing, either someone needs someone there all the time or they don't? What you are suggesting sounds like a lodger or an adult aupair type arrangement where they provide background support on quite a flexible basis rather hands on care?

Do you mean she needs someone there overnight? Or meal times? Have you tried asking adult social care what they may be able to offer?

If she only needs someone a few hours a day then there are plenty of established care agencies with qualified staff who will be able you to provide you with carers fairly quickly and easily.

If you go via social services you may also get some of it funded and an assessment for possibly useful equipment thrown in as well.

If she retains capacity and she doesn’t want it you can’t force it upon her. The risks are hers to decide upon. To force her is to rob her of her independence. It’s amazing how much frail elderly people can adapt and modify their lives to control cope alone.

My 93 year old mother is very frail, blind and broke her hip last Christmas. She was adamant she would return home to live alone. She did. The house is grubby as she can’t see to clean and refuses a cleaner. She hobbles around to a local convenience store on her rollator for her shopping. We try to put support in place but she just won’t have it. She’s at risk of a fall but she says she’d rather fall and die than be dependent on anyone else or made to give up her privacy and self determination.

I am all too well aware I can't force this on her! She is blind, needs help cooking, has erratic bouts of incontinence which are horrible to clear up, she loses stuff, and most of all, really dislikes living alone. But she would totally hate a care home, and we are trying to find a way to keep her in her house and her local area. She can just about manage to get out by herself locally, and uses taxis to get to activities, so that element of independence is what we want to protect.
We have got her to accept paid care twice a week, but I think she is getting more vulnerable quite fast, and having someone responsible around would be such a relief for her family and neighbours, who see her struggling.

Did you post a similar thread last week

Yes I did, I am desperately trying to come up with some acceptable options. Her lodger is leaving imminently, DM reckons it will be a relief to have her gone (big personality clash), and has her head in the sand. I think she will put a brave face on it for a brief while, but then will get extremely depressed and lonely very rapidly, and I need to have something to offer at that point. She is too vulnerable alone with her sight as it is, and struggles with lots of tasks.

Would she have the carer coming in more often, I seem to remember you post ing that the kitchen got a bit messy. She sounded quite independent and was going to a club. Would she be happy to go to local lunch club, did she have a befriender coming in too. Would she consider just paying for someone to come in for 4 hours each day. You could try and find a companion to move in but like pp said they need time off, and they would need to be paid and be happy to take on any caring Tasks.

sadly OP sometimes people do have to hit rock bottom before they will accept help.

What you are wanting is the kind of support that would otherwise be provided by a family member, and its difficult to replicate that kind of support through paid provision.

If she is accepting paid carers already twice a week I would try and build on that in the meantime, and see if the local council could provide all the usual electronic assistance equipment such as lifeline buttons, falls sensors etc which are less intrusive than having a physical presence but provide some peace of mind. If you can find a local agency that could offer you one or two different people for your mum to try out and get to know better would she be more comfortable? She sounds quite physically vulnerable and I would be concerned about her being taken advantage of due to her sight problems by a lodger/ informal live in care type arrangement

There are also some private systems that you can use if you don't want to go via social services which basically monitor movement and text you if someone hasn't moved for some time - CanaryCare and Just Checking are two systems that I am aware of.

Thanks for your input. I agree that it might be possible to increase the carers' hours in the first place, she might accept that. We are going to try suggesting an alarm for round her neck, but I have this feeling that all of a sudden she will hit rock bottom and I need some other options. There is not a local lunch club which could deal with a completely blind person, that would help, but I think it's the evenings which are tough, or when she gets muddled or disoriented, it would be wonderful to have somebody under her roof.
No easy solutions, but I will investigate the adult au pair suggestion.

With a care alarm, neck or wrist, you are better off having a key safe so if there is an emergency someone can gain access, including paramedics. You will also need to find someone willing to be the responder to any alarm.

How about arranging for meals to be delivered daily and for a weekly cleaner to go round? That would take off cooking/cleaning pressure to allow her to stay in her own home. Then you could pay for a carer to go round for once or twice a day to check on her, help with washing/dressing etc.

Years ago there used to be a company who would respond if the resident pressed a panic alarm button to say they needed help. If such a thing still exists, you could get it installed in her house (making sure there is an available key in an external key safe) and set that up with a daily check in as extra peace of mind.