Getting worn dowm

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Caring for 93 year old DF with lung cancer. He is very breathless and weak. Every night when I take him up to bed I fear he will collapse on the stairs as he can barely breath or walk. Won't countenance a stairlift. Once in bed he can't turn over so I got an aid that fits under the mattress and provides a handle each side. It came yesterday and I went to get it out of the box tonight and was told to send it back as he doesn't want it. Apparently, he can manage. His default response to everything is an immediate no without giving the issue a moment's thought. These are just two examples of a repeated scenario and I am running out of patience. He seems to expect me to manhandle him around the house with no thought for my own health. I was so close to walking out of the house tonight and leaving him to it but then he'd spend all night in the armchair. I realise he's lost control and I've tried to involve him in decision making but I'm so sick of hearing 'no' before he's even heard what I'm saying. Sorry to ramble on but I'm at the end of my tether with this constant non- cooperation.

It's so hard when you are the default position, and end up doing more and more. It sounds like you are struggling and he doesn't appreciate that. Is there any way that you can get a care assessment done for him, or get carers to come in even once a day to give you a break?

I went through this with my DM saying no to everything. Then when she had a stroke I managed to use the 'hospital/Dr' says you have to do this angle. That generation tend to take that as gospel, rather than something that comes from us.

You need to find ways of only giving what you can give, otherwise you will buckle.

Would he consider having the bed downstairs or a recliner chair. One of you could get injured going upstairs, how does he get back down again.

have you got power of attorney or any access to his money?

for the sake of your safety as well as his, I'd get a stairlift fitted and also tell him that you're doing the care, therefore you make the decisions or he figures out something else.

I have elderly parents and had to put my foot down about a couple of things myself so I do get where you are coming from.