struggling to cope

[brizzledrizzle]

My elderly father is going from bad to worse, he has dementia.

We're now in a position where we are going against his wishes to stay at home and care for himself without carers going in and the medical staff are wanting us to take charge and get him into a home. However he is refusing and is involving an attorney to stop us from doing that and is now turning very nasty, through no fault of his own.

I am struggling to cope with this, I'm not one for crying but tonight I am nearly in tears and am struggling not to cry in front of my children.

There are no answers but I just needed to get it out there. I'm an only child so there are no siblings to discuss this with.

Oh brizzle I am so sorry. Sorry you have to find yourself here- your poor dad.
What an awful situation. Sounds like you need expert advice- could age uk offer any advice? Is he judged as having capacity? It is an awful disease. Do you have a decent social worker? Do you have power if attourney? Is there anyone he would listen to? My dm responds to men in uniforms... a vicar or friend?

He won't listen to anybody and is convinced that he can cope without any problems, he's so far in denial or perhaps unaware of what is happening. He's fighting the medical staff and me at every corner and wants to be left alone, he doesn't know who I am and is convinced that I'm against him so I'm powerless to act legally.

He only responds to people who do what he wants them to do and gets angry or violent otherwise.

Is he deemed to have capacity? Not an expert here, but I think his wishes can be overruled if not? Please speak to an expert. Do you have power of attourney in place?

We can't get power of attorney as he doesn't want us to have it, the medical staff do though. He doesn't have capacity, no. He's angry and violent to anybody opposing him.

you need a social worker to do a capacity assessment, if he doesnt have capacity you move on to a best interests decision when things can be done against his wishes if theyre in his best interests. And you can ask for a carers assessment to have your needs looked at.

When you say he is not coping what exactly is the issue? Is he not feeding himself, is he getting lost, is he hurting others? It is really really hard but perhaps he is coping, just not the way that you and others would like him too.

He's not taking his medication, he's living in a filthy house, he wants to keep his independence but he can't look after himself. He's refusing all help and now the authorities want him in sheltered housing but he is refusing to go and they can't make him.

The solicitor will need a capacity assessment, has his doctor seen him recently, although you can't make someone with capacity move into supported housing you can ask for a care assessment, capacity assessment and speak to the safeguarding team at his local social services. You can also ring age uk and the dementia support line. You won't get power of attorney if he has no capacity but he can be referred to the court of protection. Self neglect is a safeguarding issue. Does he live on his own. Is he at home at the moment.