Frustrated with elderly Mum

[skye33]

Just need to vent. My mum lives alone and has slight dementia taking medication for it last 8 years. She manages to get the bus every day into town and shop at supermarket ( although she does tend to buy the same things over and over when she forgets what she has ) She knows every ones names and who we are and is pretty okay considering. The problem is her financial affairs she doesn’t seem to realise that she has so much money sitting in her accounts she has £8kin her current account and £4 k in the other current account plus 10s if thousands in savings. She lives in a flat worth £500 k no mortgage but says to me that she doesn’t have any money anymore.

I am a single mum working part time and struggling to make ends meet at times. In the past she was always generous with gifts at bdays etc but seems now she has almost lost the value of things she occasionally gives my daughter a £5 or £10 as a gift and has helped me out recently with a car repair bill I had but then made a nasty comment like “ Well I paid off your debt didn’t I “ and didn’t stop mentioning that she had given me £200z I was very grateful as it really helped out but I hate taking money off her when it seems she doesn’t do it gracefully. I find it upsetting she feels that way .
The sad thing is she spends hardly anything day to day. She stays with me fairly regularly and I always pay for everything she rarely offers any contribution and when we stayed with her recently with my daughter I drove her to supermarket and she wouldn’t buy tomatoes or avacado as they were too expensive. And just bought what she wanted to eat for lunch ( tins of soup ) and that was it. She wears charity shop clothes now and it is just so sad as she has all this money that she won’t spend on herself or for treats for her grandkids etc. Guess I just have to accept that this is the illness taking hold. Just wondered if anyone had similar with their parents ? I don’t expect anything from her but her tightness drives me mad especially when I struggle so much and she just seems oblivious.

Money meant less and less to my mum as the dementia progressed. I think it's quite common. Mine had £19k in her current account at one point. If you don't have a power of attorney it would be a good idea to get one sorted sooner rather than later as you'll have to take over her finances at some point.

ask her gp to come and have a chat with her, see if she understands about the money, she may have no real insight in which case you may need to consider her getting help to manage her money. It is her money, she can do what she likes with it but having it just sitting in a bank does seem difficult especially if you are struggling. she may not realise just how much she has got or if she does then maybe she doesn't know about being able to gift some without any tax or penalties It's difficult I know but I doubt she is doing this deliberately.

Can you tackle it from a different angle?

Mum, I'm worried about how much money you've got in accounts that aren't earning decent interest. Shall we get a financial advisor round to suggest some safe investments, and maybe see if you can put some in trust for the DC. I'd hate for your hard earned £ to be sitting not earning you anything.

Yes we did set up POA so in the future when she gets worse at least that is in place. It wa hard work to do though as she is so defensive and absolutely doesn’t see that she has any type of issue.

I guess it’s just the illness and she doesn’t understand that it is an excessive amount of money to have in 2 current accounts. I also worry as she spends on a credit card so she can earn some £5 reward scheme (!) each month so has 4 diff accounts she uses and I’ve suggested streamlining her accounts to just one to keep it simple and she just gets angry and says “ I’m quite capable of managing thanks “ it is her money to do what she wants with your absolutely right problem s she does nothing with it it just sits growing each month earning no interest. Obviously it will all go on her care eventually so at least won’t have the worry of having to fund it myself as guess this way the money will allow her a good choice of care and hopefully she can stay living her flat and her care in without having to sell her home

I guess it’s just the illness and she doesn’t understand that it is an excessive amount of money to have in 2 current accounts. I also worry as she spends on a credit card so she can earn some £5 reward scheme (!) each month so has 4 diff accounts she uses and I’ve suggested streamlining her accounts to just one to keep it simple and she just gets angry and says “ I’m quite capable of managing thanks “ it is her money to do what she wants with your absolutely right problem s she does nothing with it it just sits growing each month earning no interest. Obviously it will all go on her care eventually so at least won’t have the worry of having to fund it myself as guess this way the money will allow her a good choice of care and hopefully she can stay living her flat and her care in without having to sell her home