Worried about Mother

[TheSacredCow]

Hello,
I am wondering if anyone could give me a bit of advice about my elderly mothers situation.
DM is 85, she lives in her own home with my dad who is 86. DDad is in pretty good health. However, 9 years ago, DM went to hospital for a routine heart stent operation. the op went wrong, she ended up in intensive care and never fully recovered, she has vascular dementia which is very slowly getting progressively worse, but in the last year the progress has accelerated.

DM has always been a rather weak and needy character, dominated by my father. I would say he is probably on the autistic spectrum, highly intelligent but no social skills. They have no friends, have never socialised but DM relies on the children and grandchildren for happiness and social interaction.

Since my father retired 27 years ago, he has spent his time reading books about nutrition and health. He spends a fortune on vitamins and supplements and is convinced that he can cure all diseases through diet and tablets. He believes that doctors are useless and make things worse so won’t visit them or let DM go. He makes my mother take handfuls of pills, vitamins and supplements, each day and has done for years.

DM also has osteoporosis and a dowagers hump. Her neck and back is deteriorating. For the last week she has suffered from severe neck pain, one of her hands became bruised for no reason, she says, and now does not work properly.

My sister and I both want her to visit the GP but my father will not allow her to go. He will not let her take any painkillers in case they do more damage to her. I have asked DM and she just repeats parrot fashion what he says, but did say today if the pain gets worse she will go. DM cannot get to the doctors on her own or make a phone call. Father will not take her. My sister also wants her to have a new assessment as her dementia is worse.

We don’t know what to do. My partner says to leave it alone as it is their life and decision, but it breaks my heart to see my mum suffering. I think my father loves her in his own way, he is unable to show any emotion. However, if my sister or I came to their house to fetch DM and take her to the doctors he would be very angry and we are worried that this would make the situation worse for my mother.

Does anyone know what we could do? Would the GP help if we called them or would they be bound to follow my mothers wishes? For example, if she was asked would she like to see a doctor she would say no in order to please my dad.

Thanks in advance.

What a difficult situation for you, Op
You could start by ringing Age Concern and asking advice. You could tell your DM's GP the situation and ask if they can approach DM, maybe for an 'Elderely Check' (for both of them) and see if the GP can get around your DF's objection to help. Sometimes an 'official approach' can work where a family approach doesn't. If push come to shove, then your local authority will have a Safegaurding Lead for Older People who can intervene where this sort of issue arises. However, it might well lead to your DF being angry with you, and attempting to isolate/interfere with your contact with your DM.

Oh dear what an awful situation for you
Without realising it your father is causeing your mother distress and pain.
I agree with FadedRed and the steps you should take.
When you were a child your parents would safeguard you from harm and now its your turn to safeguard them.

Take posters advice, your dad has no right to withhold painkillers, she may also be on post stent medication. This may be neglect and her health should come first, doctors and safeguarding teams handle these issues with sensitivity.

It will be hard but saying it's their life and their decision may not be the best course of action, if may not be your mums decision, if she has dementia and worsening health needs she really does need medical attention.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I have called Age Concern and will speak to an advisor tomorrow about Power of Attourney. There is one in place but cannot be activated whilst my father is fully capacitated. We are also contacting the GP to see what they can do, if anything. In the meantime, DM says she is much better today, but I am sure it is only a matter of time before this happens again.

I think you need to really be careful and forthright with your dad he is controlling your mum and that is not right. You and your sister need to stick together and take control of this situation and look after your mum and get her to see the doctor regardless of your father

I would ring the GP and ask for advice. This is potentially a safeguarding issue.

You can also make a referral to your local adult social services. This may harm your relationship with you parents but to be honest it sounds like that is a risk worth taking for your mothers sake.

Who do you have power of attorney for, mum or dad. Idmyour dad has pos over your mum's health and welfare this can be referred back to the office of the public guardian if anyone including you and your sister have concerns over his ability to safely care for your mum.

DSis is now saying that she does not want to contact the GP or do anything further, because she is afraid our father will stop our contact with DM. She phoned them yesterday to check that DM is feeling OK and asked whether she had had ibuprofen. DM then had to check with our father, who said tell her to lay off.

There is a backstory to this as you can imagine. DSis and I were terrified of our father when younger, but we had thought that he had mellowed in his old age. It appears that with the deterioriation of DM who is now totally reliant on him and unable to articulate, he is becoming more controlling.

DSis believes we should do nothing to antagonise him, but call in more often to keep an eye on DM (we both live nearby) and if she appears to be in pain or unwell we will call an ambulance. (sad)

Does your mum have a social worker - as a vulnerable adult with dementia she should have one to help 'co-ordinate her care'
I'm just navigating this nightmare with my mum who has Alzheimer's (she's 72) and my brother is very anti- traditional healthcare / social care but is the closest of her kids to her in terms of distance. I do most of the arranging of her care and am the only one of her kids that speaks to her everyday but as I'm at the other end of the country I find often my other siblings undermine care / arrangements / meds that has been put in place (I wouldn't mind so much if they actually wanted to help regularly but they just seem to want to interfere & disagree when it suits them and bugger off when they have something better to do) - I am hoping that the social worker will act as an advocate for my mums needs not her kids whims so will help her rather than get tangled up in the more complicated family relationship side. I've been told they will but haven't got there yet so can't confirm that yet.
It's not easy but my mum has gone down hill very fast and I'm worried about her well being so need to get something sorted. The social worker referral comes from the GP and I wrote to them directly and explained my concerns and what I thought needed to happen.

You can do a referral to social services yourself, it doesn't have to come from another professional.

My local authority has a special phone number you can ring to report adult safeguarding concerns. I did this when I was worried about my neighbour.

This is a safeguarding issue. Your father is abusing your mother by denying her access to appropriate medical care. You are just as able to report directly and anonymously to the adult safeguarding team as you are a child. Your GP, local council website or age concern should have numbers. What is going on is also Coercive Control which is a criminal offence now.

Do you think your mum would be better in residential care or are things not that bad?

Do they have any home help? How is their financial position? Could they afford someone to be a cleaner/ companion?
It doesn’t sound like your father would allow mum to go to a day centre

I would be inclined to ring social services and ask to speak to the duty social worker for elderly people. But I do understand that your father could make things more difficult.

At worst perhaps you could come up with a family rota so someone calls in every day.

I have had a parent with dementia and it’s an awful, awful thing to witness.

Please let us know how things progress. Good luck

Please read the action on elder abuse. Your dad is 86, what's the worse he can do, seriously, your mum is the one suffering here. I would be there every day and refuse to budge.