75 yo mum - am worried about her stilnox use

[Katyjane12]

Hi Mumnet, am just looking for a little advice or perpective. My mum and sister have been staying with me since Christmas and I have noticed a real deterioration in my DM since I last saw her a year ago (we live in different countries). She is walking very slowly and unsteadily and has had two falls since she has been here - not serious but resulting in a cut on her hand. She has blamed her eyesight and is due to have a cataract operation in February - but I have helped another elderly friend with both glaucoma and cataracts and not experienced my DM's lack of confidence and unsteadiness with my elderly friend. My DM has always had trouble sleeping and has taken Stilnox (Ambien) for years, as well as antidepressants. She has had a drinking problem in the past but has that under control now although still drinks one or two glasses of wine of an evening. I think she needs a scan but am suspicious that it's actually the stilnox that is causing the unsteadiness and falling - I believe she is addicted to them. She goes to bed extremely early and is fairly sedentary - my Dsis and I are both concerned for her future as she has really not been able to keep up at all on this visit and it's been a bit of a nightmare. Is this just old age? If my DM is an addict, how do I go about speaking to her - she is incredibly defensive and prone to depression and anxiety.

It's really hard when you don't see her everyday but it is also a bonus insofar as you can see things that are more subtle changes.
As with everyone it's a good idea to have a fairly regular reboot/rethink about what is working in your life and what isn't. For seniors this can get tied up with anxiety about Age and infirmity.
Depression and the crutches we rely on to fight that off/cope with it can make everything much harder.
My elderly mum flatly refused help and change of approach until she had no choice. I wish she had done it earlier but once she did we could tackle stuff much more "easily ".
It sounds like a word with a gp would be helpful but remember (gonna be brutal here), if you aren't there it's your sister that has to deal with it.
Sweeping in with suggested big changes and then sweeping out back to your life comes at a price for those left behind to pick up the pieces.
There is no "right" way but if you keep talking and make sure you keep an eye on how your sister is coping, you'll be doing ok.

Sounds like more.old age than the sleeping tablets.

She would need a CT brain to see if there have been any changes. She could have had several mini strokes for all you know.

Yes my first thought was a mini stroke - my best friend had a TIA before Christmas which was devasting in one so young (40's) but she seems ok now.

I am concerned that this will be my sisters responsibility as she is with her and not me. We have talked about it - we're both angry about the pill taking and sedentary-ness and DM also has form for stretching the truth. We both think a chat to her GP is a good idea - goodness knows how honest DM has been with him!

Oh Katy, I could have written your post!
My mother, now 87, has for the last twenty years taken Zolpidem (aka Stilnox) and drunk far too much alcohol in the evenings. She's fallen a few times in the past two years, during the night, and had no memory of falling.
The doctors have suggested various reasons for the fall.
I'm a retired doctor myself, and it's obvious that the falls and amnesia are due to a combination of Zolpidem and alcohol (drinking brandy in bed in the evening)
I think it's a common problem in the elderly, and lots of health care professionals don't realise that elderly people can have alcohol problems.
I've tried telling her to have either the sleeping tablets or the brandy but not both. But she is unbelievably pig headed and denies she has a problem. A few months ago I told her that if she fell and broke a bone, she wouldn't ever be quite the same again. Guess what! Four months ago she fell and broke two vertebrae, four weeks in hospital and she's just moved into a care home. Just went downhill after coming out of hospital. I found empty bottles all over the house. I looked at her Sainsbury's account to see how much she was ordering.
Despite me talking to her about it all, she denies everything and tells other people that I think she's not drinking too much. I'm not stupid!

I don't mind admitting that I'm angry with her for causing my sister and me four months of worry and great expense.....I'm funding the care home with my own savings until her house is sold. I have been driving 100 mile round trips for months, I had to ask a friend to have my dog for six weeks because the round trip to the hospital + 1 hour visit was too long to leave him in my house. All because she can't stop at one drink.
So 💐💐💐for all of us in this situation.

I forgot to say that even though you are abroad, your sister will really appreciate your support. My sister hasn't been able to help much on the practical side, but I have been glad of what she has been able to do, and in fact we have become a bit closer as a result. No reason for not being close before, just parallel lives really.

Thank so much Orchard - gosh what a nightmare for you! It’s exactly what my sister and I fear the future might hold. What makes me so angry is the lack of responsibility she is taking in her own health and future health - it feels so selfish. Old age is tough enough without the addition of an addiction especially when it affects the lives of the children - or am I being very unkind? I swing between ‘well it’s her life to live as she pleases’ to feeling so angry. I know, too, growing up with an addict for a parent has left me with residual anger.

I like that you’ve said it’s brought you and your sister closer - I feel the same for my sister and I (plus I am a year into therapy, hurrah!)

I say to myself, as a mantra, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it" .

But I still feel angry!