Dementia and aggression

[Motherdaughter]

Where to start....

DF was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago. He moved into residential care and has been doing fine. He lives just up the road and is free to come and go as he pleases.

Since Christmas - which we spent together and was fine - he has suddenly become incredibly aggressive towards me. I accidentally upset him yesterday by doing something he asked me to do but doing it too fast and he felt threatened. Whilst we resolved it all yesterday, he has remembered that he is upset at me but clearly can't remember why or that it was resolved.

Today he has come round again shouting and being rude because we bought him a Christmas present. We asked him to leave until he could come around in a more pleasant manner.

I'm finding it really hard not to take it personally and right now I have no wish to be verbally abused again. Whilst I don't really care if I don't see him again, I do feel responsible and I'm torn between daily visits to him until he forgets his upset (love bombing) or time to forget his upset.

Any idea how long it will be until he forgets feeling upset and we can carry on rubbing along as we used to do?

He's the kind of man who feels slighted very easily and has a memory like an elephant for negatives in his life whilst forgetting any positives.

Hello, this had brought back memories, Dad had dementia and i was a regular on these boards for about 3 years, he died last year.
Anyway, aggression was a big feature of his dementia. His desires got more and more urgent and unreasonable, and anyone who stood in his way got the brunt of it. For example, he'd help himself to other customers' food in a cafe, pocket things in shops and walk out, enter people's homes (and lots more). As he lived at home till 1 year before his death and was also very mobile, there were no end of incidents. His dementia seemed at me to be informed by his previous personality (restless/ sociable/ hated being at home all day/ quick to anger)but unfortunately with all the less good aspects ramped up. The only way I coped was by seeing him as a task and a responsibility I chose to take on, not as my father anymore. I must say he had professional carers at home, but I visited weekly at one point and always took him out as he was extremely restless- and the incidents invariably ensured.
I think you need to think of yourself and maybe take some time out, don't over expose yourself to his nastiness, don't try and love bomb, there's a real risk you'll burn out.

Hi, What. Thanks for your response. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your dad. I found your comments about exacerbating existing personality traits particularly interesting. Given how quickly things have changed I'm minded to get him seen by the GP and if this is the new normal then we'll find a way to work with it.

Yes, that’s my view, other people I’ve spoken to have found the same with their relatives. Dad was always impatient and liable to blow if he was feeling frustrated. Dementia goes in stages. In his last year dad was very placid, except for a few situations which would set him off eg personal care. It’s a good idea to take him to the GP, as long as the GP has experience of dementia care I guess. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Make sure to attend to your own needs too, dementia can make you forget about yourself as you deal with the latest crisis.

Is his residential home a dementia care home? It does sound as if he has got worse in his dementia and he is now experiencing what are called 'behavioural symptoms of dementia' - in his case expressing aggression.

The care home may be able to offer you guidance on how to mange this - my FIL's care home has posters up everywhere on how to communicate with someone with dementia which are fantastic.

Things like 'asking him to leave until he can be more pleasant' unfortunately aren't going to work for him. He doesn't have that level of control over his behaviour - he probably can't remember what he did or why he did it and at the time he was trying to tell you something about his upset but it was in no way personal. Love bombing probably won't work either - if something happened that alarmed him in his dementia world, the fact you have put all the love bombing work in would disappear in seconds.

I'll see if I can find something on google like they have in FIL's home, it's so helpful sadly MIL always does the complete opposite but nevermind

Have him checked to see if he has a UTI. They have an astonishing effect on the behaviour of people with dementia.

Lots of information here:

www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20064/symptoms/92/aggression

Things to think about would be whether he is medically unwell with something like a UTI to cause the change? If not then dementia is progressive so this something new is challenging his brain.

I am wondering if Christmas has been a change in his routine? Getting upset because you gave him a present suggests something freaked him out about it being different - maybe he didn't know what to do, or got overwhelmed? It would be helpful to know from staff if they are noticing any changes or is it all related to his visits to your house being too much for him?

A lot to think about.

Agree about getting him checked out for UTI. Also, does he have diabetes? Dad's aggression was markedly worse when his blood sugar levels were high.

GP going in today. He refused to come out with us yesterday and is being rude to staff at the home.
Also wondering if it's time to register the power if attorney. I'm hoping the GP can confirm how to assess capacity.

I'm the first if my friends to go through this and it's very lonely. I have friends 20 years older than me with two competent parents and I feel jealous. I want a grown up to come along and help me out.

Definitely go for power of attorney ASAP- before it's too late and you have to go for a deputyship, which is a lot more complicated and expensive. The GP can assess capacity and sign the form , if he/ she is confident your Dad definitely does have capacity.
I know what you mean about the jealousy. Not a week would go by when I didn't think "why me?" Seeing other people's parents caring for grandchildren, going on cruises, etc etc just seemed to rub it in.

Hiya - so sorry you are going through this. The only thing that helped my mum's aggression during her protracted dementia was medication prescribed by the mental health care team (psychiatrist). I think GPs won't have the relevant experience.

Your dad will also need some form of intervention to make sure he takes the medication as paranoia will probably also surface and the consequent mistrust of taking any medication.

GP has seen him. Urine and bloods requested plus referral back to the memory clinic who discharged him a couple of years ago. Hopefully that will get him access to the psychiatrist too. He's pretty good with meds, I think he likes feeling important and looked after.

Sorry you feel similar, What. Sucks, doesn't it! I have primary aged dcs and would love them to have proper, engaged grandparents like their friends do. We have lots of family friends who support them but it's not quite the same!