I'm struggling, can anyone advise me?

[takemycounty]

DPs live a 5 hour drive away, I have a brother who is nearer and does his very best but my parents seem to rely on me more which is fine.

Mum has dementia, it's never been labelled because she's denied all testing but she has memory loss, less and less time being lucid and 'fallings out' with friends which has never happened before.

Dad is frail and in poor physical health but until recently has been in good mental health. But I've noticed a deterioration in his memory and he's become very emotional recently.

My DB and I have both suggested they consider looking a Sheltered Housing nearer one of us but they don't want to leave their home. I can see a time soon that they won't be able to manage alone.

How can I find out about options? A live in carer would possibly be an idea but neither of them want to admit they aren't coping.
In the past I've done an online shop but DM says she doesn't like it, they've tried Wiltshire farm foods but DM days she hates the microwave but struggles to use the oven.

Dad won't ever disagree or challenge mum so I've got to somehow get her to accept help.

They're not super wealthy but do have enough money to pay for help.

Sorry for the ramblings, I'm feeling very stuck.

Sorry to hear this. Have they been assessessed by social services? Your il’s county council will have info on the website. There will be info about finding carers etc. Age uk can also be helpful accessing local services. There is a thread about live in care in this section which might be useful. Good luck.

Thanks for replying sandwich, there hasn't been an assessment because my mum denies they're not managing.
I don't want to force anything on them but would somehow like them to acknowledge that they need help.
I'll look at the websites, thanks.

Is there anyone they would listen to? Friend? Neighbour? Vicar? Gp? They might take more notice?

It's been said before UTI's can cause confusion and look like something else. Can you get them both to the doctors for a general MOT. Secondly, alot of people will not accept help until they reach crisis point, whereas their lives could have been alot more comfortable alot earlier. Can you get a cleaner in who is willing to do other things too eg shopping at least you would have someone more local who pops in regularly

I would be tempted to:

1. research various sheltered and very sheltered housing options near you. SS ought to have a list, or Google. Discuss them with your brother with your parents preferences in mind.

1. Have a meeting with your parents, where you are both kind but assertive. Things are OK now but what if...Sheltered would give the healthier partner supportive neighbours and a warden if the other became ill etc. Understand their concerns but be firm about your wider commitments and obligations.

1. Make sure POA and Will are sorted. Neither need a solicitor. Both obviously as "just in case".

I could not get DB to support me as he was in some sort of denial. In the event when the crisis came, we were just in time for a POA and I spent three full months (with school age children 2.5 hours away) sorting out my mums affairs. Luckily she had a fall not a stroke.

She is now in very sheltered housing, and has been for 5 years. Absolutely the best thing ever....

(Hers is run by a firm called Retirement Security Limited in case there is one near you. You have to purchase the flats so really only for those able to downsize, but so much cheaper and nicer than a home. However some housing associations offer rental. The night warden is important. Do not be seduced by the glossy adverts from people offering "retirement living".)

What Needmore and Sandwich said. Proper live in carers are very expensive, a bit of a last resort, and to be honest you need your parents close to you if you're going to be the primary sorter-outer over the coming years.

I got my mum to move closer to me by researching options, telling her I was taking her to the garden centre, then taking her to see a very local sheltered flat instead with costs etc. It tipped the balance, and thank goodness she's here near me now.

Check out if your local Age UK or Age Concern offer a Home Help service (domestic help rather than personal care - cleaning, shopping etc). It's often an acceptable start point for parents needing help for the first time. Also have a look at Attendance Allowance - you might not feel they qualify at the moment but ask CAB or Age UK for advice. Alzheimers society are great too, contact them if you think your mother has dementia but is in denial (very common).

Unfortunately with Refusenik parents what tends to happen is some kind of a crisis - one parent gets ill, or starts wandering - and then everything has to be done in a rush. Even if they won't accept any change now you can have some facts at your fingertips.

Name change but op here.

Thank you very much for the comments.
I've spent some time with them and tried to be assertive. They're adamant that they don't want to move nearer DB or me. Dad thinks that mum will be very disoriented if she leaves her familiar area and they very much like their neighbours. I've showed them brochures for assisted living but it's not going to happen.

We're in the process of getting POA arranged which they agree is a good idea.

I've arranged for a private carer to pop in once a day, she's a local lady that mum knows from church. ATM she's just 'keeping an eye' but would be available for more if needed,

That sounds like a really good first step- well done. You can only do what you can get their agreement to. This lady might help them see they need more help.

Thanks. I'm very conscious of the comments that if there's a crisis we'll all be in a mess.
I think I might get in touch with Alzheimers Society for some advice. Although DM hasn't been formally diagnosed she's definitely got some form of dementia.