To hate Christmas?

[Orchardgreen]

I'm 60. My mother is 87. She had a fall about three months ago and I have had a hell of a time since then. Paid £3000 for a live in carer, for a month, she hated her. (Carer was lovely)
I am single but retired. Before that I was a successful hospital doctor. I have spent every bloody Christmas at my parents house for the past 35 years, bloody hated it. All I want to do is spend the day in my my own house with my lovely dog and cats.
There is a history of domestic violence, although my father is now dead.
It's always assumed that I will spend the day at my mother's. I bloody hate it. We have to watch bloody Oliver every fucking year.
She eats about four mouthfuls of dinner but I am still expected to produce it.
At the moment I am surrounded by Christmas stuff in the shops. Food, gifts, music. I can't bear it. Cards that have arrived I have binned.
What is worse is people grinning at me " have a wonderful Christmas" well clearly they don't have a foul mouthed bad tempered mother who is the only company that day.
Please cheer me up!

I'm in the same boat, except my Dad's actually really nice - he has mixed dementia, prostate cancer, and is now bedbound after having his lower left leg amputated a couple of months ago. I am the live in carer, despite having a husband - who lives in Ireland (with our dogs and cats), as do I 'officially' - there's no one else to do it, so I'm also housebound now, 'cos he can't be left alone. Might get a couple of hours a week respite in the New Year, if I'm lucky!

I too shall be producing a full dinner on the day, and he is bound to proclaim the meat 'tough' and himself full after a few nibbles. Luckily, I have a friend and her Mum coming for Boxing day lunch, so there is something to look forward to :)

Personally, I intend to self medicate with wine and cocktails, eat my favourite food, stick a DVD on for Dad (have got him a couple for Xmas presents), then come and watch stuff I like on the computer. I'll have a chat with my husband via FB Messenger (he'll be alone on the day), I'll Mumsnet, and the time will pass. I'll probably end up putting carols on and having a bit of a cry after the wine does its thing, and then an early night.

Being housebound means I can largely ignore the trappings of the season - but gawd, am I bored! If you're around on the day and fancy a chat, feel free to PM me, we could attempt to keep each other sane :)

I have hosted Christmas for as long as we've been married (17yrs). Both sets of parents, various older relatives. It really wasn't fun, lots of cooking, meeting various food preferences, husband having to be taxi driver, deaf fil objecting to background music, having tv blaring, auntie in the huff at lunch over running & missing The Queen, no one wanting to actually do anything with the kids, help build Lego, let them put on new dvd etc etc. Every year I get asked what do you want for Christmas and every year I'd say just a happy family day, with no stress, arguments, just a fun day. Well last year, I realised I could make it happen, on Christmas Eve kids came down to breakfast to find I had written a poem saying it was no longer Christmas Eve because we were having 2 Christmas days. They got to open some presents, we stayed in pyjamas all day, played board games, charades, played cheesy music, had a rolling buffet of party food, went for a big walk with the dog. It was wonderful. Actual Christmas Day with the oldies was much more bearable because we'd already had the day we wanted.
Could you do the same? Have the perfect day you envisage on Christmas Eve then have the day with your mother? Or do you have other relatives or friends who could visit, even for an hour or two just to spread the burden a bit.
Or what about volunteering? I'm sure there are charities out there that would bite your hand off.

Aw, thanks! I could either go for the day, stay for a few hours then go home, but not drink, obvs. Or go and stay the night and neck it. She'll go to bed about 7pm so maybe that might be an option.

over the years there has been some domestic violence.....fortunately I am not fucked up about it, I just stay calm.
I went one Christmas to my parents, my father was unspeakably unpleasant to my mother......I said, if you don't stop this, I will go home to my house. He said to my mother, look what you have made her do with your behaviour. So I had to stay......

YANBU. I'm 45, ds is 11, and my parents are 80 and 76. Mum has dementia and has no idea who anyone is, dad is very frail and very grumpy and stressy.
For years we trailed up and down to them in a day to cook them lunch which meant 3 1/2 hours in the car, a rushed unenjoyable meal and usually one of them shouting at ds.
Now I have swallowed the guilt, they go to the same pub they go to every day for lunch (so mum is comfortable and not agitated), ds gets a christmas day doing things we like, and we see them for 2 hours on another day which is as much as they can cope with.

But I find christmas really hard - thinking of how mum always got me a really thoughtful present, how she looked forward to having a grandchild so much, and of course the comparison with other peoples christmases

Yes, it's the comparison with what other peeps are doing. Boxing Day is nice, I eat leftovers and do what I want. Furry your Christmas sounds so pants I shouldn't complain about mine. Hugs and handholds

Christmas is bit of a non event for us. Almost had to drop it altogether a few years back when DM was discharged on Christmas eve. This year there have already been a few dramas with DB deciding he was going to do a 'noble' flying visit which would have involved 5 hours travelling for half an hour. And likely leaving DM in a state and her then throwing some sort of tantrum which in the past has had her refuse to get up for Christmas lunch in her sheltered housing. (There are 364 other days he could visit...And perhaps find the time to actually take her out).

Dunno why people make such a big deal. We won't have a tree and turkey is about as big a nod as we will make to convention. But looking back DPs used to on a cruise at Christmas so even in my late teens I was expected to spend it on my own. Seems weird now but it means I am not obliged to worry.

(DPs once cancelled an invitation for us to spend Christmas with them on Christmas eve. Yes it was always weird.)

I've hosted my DM every xmas for the last 20 years since my dad died. Every year I hate it. She criticises everything and I get stressed and spend the day gritting my teeth until I can drive her home, and then come back and put my feet up and neck some Prosecco. I always text my brother saying 'your turn for mum next year?' and he replies ha ha.

The best xmases I have had were going abroad - If I don't die before my mum, that's how I intend to spend them in the future.

Oh God. Me too . Me too.
I have been doing the elderly Christmas thing for the last 30 years( parents v old when I came along) childhood christmases dreadful. No happy memories.
Hate and despise the whole thing, p,us the collective insanity that takes hold.
My mood is nose diving properly now.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on New Year's Eve.
Seeing if getting pissed tonight takes the edge off.

Mighty, I couldn't agree more. Why can't I just stay in my own home for Christmas? Roll on next Tuesday. Popped into Sainsbury's today for a few everyday groceries, I was in a different world to everyone else.

Oh orchard thinking of you and everyone else girding their loins for dreadful unappreciated days. Hope you can find some moments of joy soon.