I put him in a home

[GettingScaredNow]

I had to put my father in a home.
And I have no clue what I’m doing.
I feel like I’m wading through treacle.

He’s 67. Had a stroke that has rendered him physically incapable of anything more then scratching his own head and occasionally feeding himself a teaspoon at a time.

As time as gone on his mental state has declined. He is now confused more often then he’s not. Where as 3 months ago when he first stroked he was quite lucid.
Now he hardly speaks and is confused when he does.

I’m so confused about what I’m supposed to be doing. I know there were things he wanted - these things involve using his money (he has grandkids and he wanted to put X amount in savings for them) - am I supposed to keep doing that? Do I stop now?

I’m hurting so much. This was his fear.
I’m almost willing him to die. Cos he didn’t want this and it’s heart breaking to see.

How awful. I don't know if it helps to see it as a slow bereavement. Your sadness is probably as much mourning as guilt. And forget the guilt, we are all making decisions that we believe are teh best available. But we don't know.

On the practical front. Do you have a POA. Then effectively for gifts you are governed by three things:

1. Attorney guidelines. I am not sure if there is a clear set though you could try OPG, but you need to be careful about anything which is material, capital and/or not habitual. An Attorney who misuses money can be guilty of a criminal offense.

1. Deprivation of Asset rules. Google. These are important. Local Authorities don't want to be landed with care costs for impecunious elderly who have given away their money. They can and will pursue.

1. Inheritance Tax. Again look up IHT rules on gifts, but basically any gifts made within the seven years prior to death are potentially liable for IHT.

In short making gifts as an Attorney is very difficult. If there is a lot of money, so gifts won't trigger a risk of deprivation of assets, I would speak to a lawyer, as there is a bit of a sliding scale on IHT and a difference between capital and income. But this is probably millionaire plus territory. Again, if there is a lot of money and as Attorney you might need to sell property, especially if sold to a family member, you may need specialist lawyer help as the Land Registry seem to have become risk adverse and are wanting even pretty transparent transactions to have Court of Protection sign off.