Retirement Village move.

[RunningGirl69]

Hi, I have elderly parents - Dad is 80, very immobile, depressed (possible dementia although never diagnosed)and dependent on mum. Mum is 78 has arthritis and anxiety, cares for my Dad with the help of a carer once a day. They currently live in their own home but are finding life a little tough to say the least. I have secured them a new bungalow on a brand new retirement village just 2 minutes away from their current home. From my perspective it is the ideal solution for them- brand new, restaurant, hairdressers etc on site, mum can wander around without being too far from my dad....the housing trust will sell their own home for them and undertake the move. However, whilst my mum is 100% behind the move, my dad is not and is happy to take the care from my mum. He is very controlling and whenever she leaves the house he will call her mobile several times to ask her where she is. His only concern appears to be for his possessions if they move to a smaller property and he becomes aggressive whenever we mention moving and becomes tearful. Mum has admitted that she is trapped in her own home. To cut a long story short, after 18 months of organising the sale/purchase it has now come to a point where a decision has to be made as they have had a good offer on their own home. My dilemma is, do I dig my heels in and insist they move for my mum's sake or do I leave them where they are and risk one or both of them having to move into unattractive retirement homes when the time comes. To me it is a no brainer and very frustrating, I am simply trying to future proof them and this seems like the ideal opportunity. Any advice, please be honest I need both sides of the argument? x

My inlaws moved to one a year and a half ago.....there are pros and cons as I see it.

Firstly after they moved their FIL broke his hip, and never really got back to being well before he passed away. If this had happened in their previous home it would have been a nightmare. As it was he had care available, a much more accessible home to get about in, the work of downsizing etc had been done before they were too frail to participate etc. From that pov it was incredibly good.

However, their daughter did 90% of the work in selling/downsizing/ moving them, my DH (the son) didn't do much of the leg work as he had other things to contend with, so all the packing, arranging etc fell to her, and then MIL blamed her for moving them in a very unfair and unkind way. The upshot of this is that their relationship has now completely broken down and SIL is understandably incredibly hurt by this.

For this reason I would tread very carefully about moving them if they aren't both completely on board or you might well end up being the scapegoat too, however sensible it is to move practically.

Finally, financially these places are a nightmare. The worst property investment by far in the UK. Do your parents realise this and would they be happy for their estate to take that kind of financial hit in order to live there? (I was aware they have very high exit fees, when you sell one, but was not aware how massively poor the resale value of these properties are before the exit fees are even considered, until there was a programme on about it on radio 4 last week, I think it was on You and Yours, I tried to google it for you but couldn't find the programme, but did come across this article in doing so. Food for thought, and I'm not sure my PIL would have gone for it had they been aware of this factor.

The thing I have come to understand is some people have problems with mobility etc when they get older that need to be addressed, but some people have complex emotional and mental issues (even before they get old and frail) and this makes dealing with the problems of old age much, much harder for the family. It's not easy

Thanks for your honest opinion, it has certainly highlighted some of the fears and hopes I have. They would certainly benefit from the increased care and having a bungalow but I am certainly concerned about bearing the burden of moving them if things dont quite work out. The house will be shared ownership so I'm not too concerned about the financial side and know of the article you've mentioned on exit fees. It is certainly my dad's emotional and mental issues that are causing me to question the move even though physically they would both benefit. I just don't want to see either of them in a care home in a few years. Tough decision xx

It does sound tough....good luck